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Effective tools to reduce your anger and live a happier, more tranquil life.
Everyone gets angry at times. What varies from person to person is the intensity, duration, and frequency. Here are some simple tools to reduce your anger and live a happier, more tranquil life.
Seriously. Simply walking out of the room and through a door actually helps decrease anger.
Have you ever left a room to get something from another room only to discover that upon entering the second room you forgot what it was you needed? This is called “The Doorway Effect,” and yes, it’s a real thing.1
Studies have shown that walking through a doorway causes forgetfulness, particularly if we are distracted and thinking about something else as we do so. The reason for this is that doorways represent a boundary between two contexts. For example, once when I was working on an article, I needed to get a reference book from another room. I walked into the new room and completely forgot why I was there. The reason I forgot about the book once I entered the other room is that the reality of the book was connected to the room I was initially in. Once I walked into the study, that connection became disrupted, especially because I was thinking about what I wanted to write about.
You can use the doorway effect to your advantage when it comes to anger. By walking into another room, specifically through a doorway, you can “forget” what you’re angry about and create a new reaction in a fresh space. At the very least, walking away can decrease the intensity of your anger and give you some personal space to calm down.
When you’re angry, your sympathetic nervous system (aka fight or flight mode) kicks into gear. This causes the adrenal gland to pump adrenaline into our bloodstream, your heart rate to rise, and your body temperature to spike.
Cooling the body can activate our parasympathetic system, which helps tame your emotions. One study on anger discovered the positive effects of using cold water to calm the body down. Submerging our head in cold water can activate the parasympathetic system, calming you down. While the body adjusts to the cold temperature, the vagus nerve becomes activated, which causes a decline in sympathetic activity. Simultaneously, the parasympathetic activity increases.
This technique has roots in the Torah. When Joseph was reunited with his brothers, years after they sold him into slavery, he utilized great effort to control his emotions. The Torah states, “He washed his face.”
Shmuel ben Chofni, a 10th century Torah giant, says that Joseph was washing his face in order to calm down and shift his perspective. Washing his face was an external manifestation of removing an internal pain. This moment alone to cool down allowed him to continue the interaction with his siblings.
When you are overwhelmed by anger, the cold water technique can lower your blood pressure, body temperature, and heart rate and help you better cope with the upsetting circumstances.2
Other actions that can produce similar results are taking a cool shower, having a cold drink, or wiping your forehead or neck with a damp cloth. Even getting fresh air can be effective.
When you find yourself triggered, repeat a meaningful mantra to yourself.
Some examples are:
When you feel a burst of rage, fear, sadness, or any other negative emotion, it often presents like a wave, with a spike in intensity that then dissipates. Learning to bear momentary discomfort seems to be a lost art in our society but, with practice, you can become mentally and physically strong enough to hold your emotions, and then allow them to pass.
Waiting in line at the bank? Stuck in traffic with a crying toddler in the back seat? Well, the cure-all mantra is, This is why I am here.
There are infinite moments when our patience is tested, and frustration has the opportunity to build. But with a slight shift in perspective, these moments of annoyance can become spiritual opportunities. These difficult times are actually vehicles of growth, which allow us to become kind and selfless people; precisely why we have been put on Earth.
When you take a moment to recognize that God is in control, you can relax and give up the illusion of control.
My personal favorite mantra is one my father-in-law quotes in the name of Rabbi Paysach Krohn.
“Sw3/n” is a formula that stands for: Some will. Some won’t. So what? NEXT. It’s a great phrase to keep in mind when faced with rejection, difficult people, and a plethora of other challenging situations.
Everyone experiences anger differently. Somatic therapy involves noticing where the feeling of anger is manifesting in your body. Some people feel it in their throat, for others, it’s their ears, while still more feel it swelling in their chest. Wherever anger wells up, it’s hard to control. It has been known to take over one’s senses and ruin friendships, marriages, and work relationships.
When you are emotionally triggered, your body responds with tension in varying areas. Reflecting and noticing where you hold your anger has a calming effect. You can take stock of where you experience the anger, and then allow it to dissipate on its own. You don’t have to try to control or stop it. Notice where you feel it, and then decipher if it is trying to tell you something important about yourself.3 Learning this skill can help regulate many emotions.
When you feel triggered, ask God to help you in that moment. Prayer doesn’t have to be recited in a synagogue or from a prayer book. You can talk to God like a confidante, bringing Him into your everyday challenges. You can quietly ask God for help with anything at any time.
God is right there with you. Whether it involves a big issue or a small mundane occurrence, when praying in this way, a person hands over her burdens to God, giving up control. This release of control not only helps assuage anger, it builds a closer relationship with God.
