Jewish Artists, Abstract Expressionism, and the New York School
5 min read
4 min read
4 min read
A brief guide to self-love and compassion.
As a relationship coach, I've seen firsthand how even the strongest couples can fall into cycles of blame and criticism. These patterns often stem from deep-seated feelings of inadequacy and the fear of not being good enough.
Over the years, I’ve worked with many couples who love each other deeply but struggle to break free from these harmful dynamics. These challenging moments offer a powerful opportunity for growth and deeper self-understanding.
Defensive reactions can gradually erode the connection between partners. These behaviors often mask underlying fears of inadequacy. By understanding what drives these defensive habits, couples can transform their relationships, fostering deeper intimacy and resilience.
Here are five tips:
The trickiest part is that defensiveness happens so instinctively that we don't even know we’re being defensive until it’s too late. Spend at least a week simply observing your responses. Overcoming defensiveness is difficult and a journey that takes time. It can't be cured in a moment. What triggers you? Watch it as it happens without trying to change it. Observe what you say, how you respond to difficult moments, and try to tune in to what you were feeling in that moment.
If you notice that you just snapped back with a nasty comment after being offended, try to go back to the event in your mind and notice how you felt when you were offended. Did it make you feel rejected, unappreciated, or maybe it reminded you of a painful incident in the past?
The most common feeling is of being not good enough—the fear of rejection, or being unlovable. Sit with that feeling a little, feel it in your body, and offer yourself some love. After exploring this feeling, you gain a deeper understanding of where your reaction is coming from and can gently explore how to rise above it.
We are stronger and more resilient than we realize. Ask yourself, "If I did love myself fully, how would I respond differently?"
Don’t take revenge. Even if your partner said something that was not only triggering but, in your opinion, objectively wrong or mean, focus on being the bigger person. Tell yourself that you can rise above the situation and respond with understanding instead of reacting emotionally. You can judge them favorably. Do this for the sake of your marriage, which is your most important relationship.
Perhaps your partner is dealing with their own struggles (and they likely are—otherwise, they wouldn’t be doing or saying hurtful things, as they do not want to intentionally hurt you). Maybe you can try to reach out with understanding and love, being that helpmate—helping them with their issue instead of taking it personally. Approach the situation with empathy and understanding, offering support while maintaining healthy boundaries.
Setting boundaries comes from self-compassion. Recognize your feelings, slow down, and practice emotional regulation. Then, calmly express your needs by saying something like, "Can you rephrase that more gently?" or "That comment hurt me."
Simply describing how you feel using an “I” statement instead of one that may sound attacking can also help. Emotional regulation is a topic in itself, and it’s really important. When we learn how to feel, manage, and regulate our own emotional responses, we can choose and decide to respond in a way that is most conducive to the relationship. It’s about recognizing our ability to notice emotions while not letting them weigh us down, to sit with them and then propel ourselves forward.
With self-awareness, compassion, and clear boundaries, you can transform challenges into moments of growth. As you embrace self-love, your relationship will naturally deepen, bringing more harmony and fulfillment.
Great!