Your Words Shape Your Child’s Confidence

You probably do it, without even realizing it. You look at your child’s behavior and quietly (or not so quietly) label it: manipulative, selfish, rude, irresponsible.

Once those labels settle in, everything you see gets filtered through them. However, you can reframe those labels to something more positive.

Kids aren’t usually being bad; they’re just being human. What looks like manipulation is usually a child trying to get a need met. What looks like selfishness is often a child who hasn’t yet learned perspective. What looks like rudeness is a lack of social skills, not a lack of respect. What looks like irresponsibility may simply be confusion about expectations.

And very often they’re just physically exhausted or tired of being told what to do, not understanding the rules and trying to being a kid in an adult world.

Assigning negative motives to your children’s behavior, you unknowingly back them into a corner. Their only options become defend or attack. That’s where power struggles begin—and once they start, they’re hard to escape.

There’s another way. Instead of reacting to behavior, you can look for the positive intention underneath it. You can give your children the benefit of the doubt and the skills they’re trying to learn so they can be a responsible member of society.

Instead of assigning a negative motive:

“You can’t just walk away from the table. That’s rude and irresponsible. You need to help clean up.”

Try assigning positive intent and clarifying expectations:

“You thought it was okay to leave the table and that I’d call you when it was time to help. Next time, I’d like you to ask to be excused before you leave.”

Instead of accusing:

“You always cry when you don’t get your way. That’s selfish. You should know better.”

Try assigning positive intent and giving language:

“You’re really disappointed you can’t come with me. It feels so sad that it comes out as tears. Next time you can say, ‘Mommy, it makes me sad when I have to stay with the babysitter.’”

Assigning positive intent communicates that you believe in your children goodness even when their behavior does not reflect that.

That belief builds trust, reduces resistance, and allows you to guide your children kindly and firmly—without power struggles.

Effective Praise

The same principle applies to how you praise your children.

Not all praise builds self-esteem. In fact, the praise used most often – “Good job!” “You’re the best!” You’re so sweet!” – can leave children feeling unsure rather than secure. It’s vague and fleeting. It doesn’t give them anything solid to hold onto. It can turn them into people pleasers, or they end up chasing the next “good job” instead of building real inner confidence.

It is better if you use praise that describes what you see and what you appreciate:

When you name a child’s actions, using character traits helps them build a clear picture of who they are and what they’re capable of. That kind of praise sticks:

Here’s what that sounds like in real life:

“You waited for your turn on the computer and kept yourself busy drawing while you waited. You were patient.”

“I had a really nice day today. I noticed how much effort everyone made to speak kindly and work things out.”

“You hung up your coat and put your boots away. It feels so good to walk into an organized mudroom.”

“I saw you stop yourself before saying ‘shut up’ to your sister. That took real self-control.”

This kind of praise is specific, genuine and earned. It doesn’t inflate children from the outside—it builds them from the inside out.

When those moments are noticed, named and commended, they become part of how a child sees themselves: “I’m someone who can try and succeed.” “I know how to be kind and help people.”

And that is one of the major goals of raising kids – making sure that children don’t rely on others for approval but have a quiet confidence about them.