When Ms. Rachel "Likes" Antisemitism
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A brief guide on how to maintain mutual respect and positivity.
The mother-in-law/daughter-in-law dynamic is one of the most delicate relationships to navigate, but it’s crucial to learn to maneuver this relationship if you want to live harmoniously. Here are the top six rules that both need to follow to maintain mutual respect and positivity.
Congratulations! Your son is married. Now, it’s time to play fair. As awkward as it may feel at first, you need to treat your daughter-in-law like your own child. If you buy your children jewelry or take them shopping, do the same for your daughter-in-law. If you make purchases for your son, make similar ones for your daughter-in-law.
Treat your daughter-in-law like your own child.
One of my students shared that when her husband’s brother got engaged, her mother-in-law paid for all her daughters to get their makeup done—and didn’t even offer this courtesy to her daughter-in-law. She felt slighted that she wasn’t included in the family preparations.
Another student shared that her in-laws would buy all of their son’s clothing on their credit card, while her clothing was to be purchased from the couple’s joint budget.
In both of these scenarios, the solution is simple: Do for both or do for neither.
Moments like these are opportunities to create closeness and connection. If you fail to pursue them, you can create a chasm that is difficult to repair or bridge. Your daughter-in-law will remember these gestures for a long time to come—for better or for worse.
Playing fair is not exclusive to mothers-in-law. Daughters-in-law also have to follow this guideline. Treat your mother-in-law like your own mother. Call them both equally, and spend time with them equally if you live in the same city. Give your children the gift of both sets of grandparents, instead of favoring one set. Do your best to create an equal playing field, and include everyone as much as possible. Here’s the big secret: the more you include your in-laws in your life, the less they intrude. Whatever “extras” you do for your mother, do for your mother-in-law.
A student called me to complain about her fiancé’s parents. “I know they hate me! I went to their house for the first time, and they were so quiet. They didn’t even want to talk to me!”
I reminded her that perhaps their silence had nothing to do with her. Maybe they had just received bad news, or were nervous about making their own good first impression. Sometimes the lack of conversation is not about you.
We are too quick to assume others’ behaviors are about us. Most likely, they are entirely unrelated to us!
Sometimes a neutral action can be taken the wrong way.
A student once called to complain, “You won’t believe this! My mother-in-law made dinner for me and brought it over. Does she think I don’t know how to cook? Now I have all these leftovers that I don’t even need! I can’t stand her need to control everything!”
I tried to explain that this very scenario would be someone else’s dream come true!
Stop taking everything personally and let go of the burden of judgmental thought patterns.
Even if you find your mother-in-law overbearing, you can still find something to praise and thank her for. After all, she birthed and raised the man you found worthy of marrying.
And for mothers-in-laws, even if you think your daughter-in-law is not up to your standards, there’s always something genuine you can say to praise or compliment her. After all, your son did choose her!
Find something to sincerely compliment her with.
Lavish genuine praise and gratitude as much as possible. Find something to sincerely compliment her with. You can always thank her for working hard to take care of your son, herself, and your family.
As much as you may dislike one another, the family unit would be incomplete if one of you was missing.
Most mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law view themselves as generally helpful. So why does everyone tend to complain that the other is not helping?
Sometimes your definition of help may not be very helpful to your in-law.
For the sake of clarity, ask your in-law, “I’d like to help you in any way you need. What can I do that will actually be of help to you?”
Once you define help, do that as much as you can. Generally, well-received help includes watching their children, or paying for domestic help such as a baby nurse, cleaning service, or a handyman. You can also offer to cook for them, send gifts, and provide financial assistance if you are in the position to do so. The only caveat is that real giving requires no strings being attached. Don’t use your help as a means to control the other person or to clear your own conscience.
A phrase I love is, “Zip your lips closed and zip your wallet open.”
Help goes both ways—sometimes at different life stages, and at other times, simultaneously. As a daughter-in-law, you can and should be generous with your in-laws as well. Thoughtful gifts, flowers, and other personal, well-intentioned gestures can go a long way. Helping while visiting their home is a necessity. And make sure that you and your children respect their home and make the effort to keep it clean while there.
Control and connection are polar opposite forces in any relationship. The more we exert control, the less connection we will have.
The more we exert control, the less connection we will have.
One of my students shared that her mother-in-law insisted that she and her husband join them every Friday night for dinner.
“I do not want to go there every single Friday night! What if we want to join my parents, see friends, or be alone?”
Even if the couple goes because they are coerced, they will not enjoy the time or feel a connection. A better method is to give space to your in-law and allow them to join you at their discretion. They may not come as often, but when they do come, you will know that they actually want to be there.
Daughters-in-law also need to remember the concept of avoiding controlling behavior. They will sometimes use their children to draw out certain behaviors from their in-laws. Purposely preventing your children from seeing their grandparents is manipulative, and must be avoided at all costs.
When we choose connection over control, we can start to move the relationship forward in a positive direction.
It is crucial for the mother of a married man to accept and respect that the relationship you once had with your son has now changed. It is not better or worse, just different. He now has to create and nurture his own nuclear family. You will still be an important part of his life, but you also need to trust in all you have taught him along the way to adulthood, and give him the space he needs to pass those lessons along to his children. Respect him enough to show you how you will now fit into his life, rather than forcing yourself in.
You may never officially “like” your mother-in-law or daughter-in-law, and that’s okay. You just need to accept the fact that you are part of the same family, and choose to respect each other, no matter what.
You don’t have to love your mother-in-law, but you do need to respect her.
Very often, mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law begin their new relationship with unrealistic expectations. They tend to seek love, appreciation, and recognition within the in-law relationship. Don’t look for that. Instead, just look for respect. If we drop expectations and choose respect over everything, then eventually even a sour relationship will turn sweet and fulfilling.
As a daughter-in-law, you don’t have to love your mother-in-law, but you do need to respect her. This is a requirement that falls under the category of honoring your parents.
As one wise woman shared, “Don’t try to change the other person. You will lose this game.” When faced with a difficult circumstance, I try to think, Stop worrying about who is right, and focus on what is right. Respect is correct.
At the end of the day, you have to look in the mirror and feel proud of who you see, and that feeling extends to one’s family. When you choose to respect your family, you simultaneously gain inward respect.
The in-law dynamic is a tough one to balance. You can use these skills to create and sustain the best possible relationship.
Watch Sarah Pachter's new Tedx talk on this subject.
Great article! It doesn’t apply to me though because i am a stepmother. Apparently, stepmothers don’t count because “we aren’t biologically related,” as my DIL has told me a couple of times. They left me out of wedding photos. They are rude to me. i bent over backwards to bond with my DIL but no more. i am so done.
My mother in law of 46 years passed away this week. Margot Anne Erlich .My life and the lives of my children were made richer by her very existence. She embodied acceptance and love. A true example of the traits you enumerated.
I've always had a hard time understanding why this DIL-MIL dynamic is so fraught. I am fortunate in having four married kids and my husband and I love our children-in-law truly as our own. True, we've been fortunate that our children have chosen well, but it was always clear to me as the MIL that once our kids were married, they were an independent unit and my job was to be supportive, complimentary, and helpful to the extent they wanted it. This isn't rocket science. Mothers don't own their daughters or sons ever and especially not once they are married adults.
I agree with many of these points, as when my daughter got engaged, I told her " Congratulations, now it's your job to make friends with your future MIL" I think she has done a great job & her MiL spends a lot of time @ their home for multiple reasons...1) she lives closer than I do; 2) she does not work & 3) she is much "needier" than I am...BUT, I also think many of these "rules" directed to Daughters-in-Law apply to Sons-in_Law as well. My SiL is much less respectful to me than he is to his mother & this has caused issues in my relationship with both of them
Great article!
don't EVER EVER say to your daughter in law "I'm more important because I'M THE MOTHER"
She will hate you forever. In Jewish law, the wife always has priority. SHE COMES BEFORE HIS MOTHER
my mother in law DID say that to me and I could not believe she had the gall to say that.
I've been a MIL for over 30 years. In early years, I helped whenever asked by my DIL.When the children came along, although I worked full-time, I rarely turned down a request for help with them. I thought we had a very good relationship. After the children were grown my son and her moved away and I see them only 3 times per year. Fortunately I am very healthy physically and mentally, live in my own home taking care of my affairs myself. When they do come home they spend most of the time visiting friends. I get rare phone calls now. Why has she seemed to drop me?
I take exception with the very first rule. Assuming one is an adult when you get married, your MIL doesn't need to treat you like a spoiled child who needs presents for no reason other than she bought one of her children a gift. Is there a need for the MIL to pander to her DIL? My MIL isn't my mother and I'm not her daughter. We're two adults who need to have an adult relationship which isn't based on phony beau gestes or her living in fear that I'll get her son and grandkids to turn against her. Act like adults! and put pettiness aside.
It can backfire when you want "adults" and no parental relationship. My DIL made it abundantly clear that she has a mother and any act of concern or friendship on my part was not needed, or wanted. Is that what you want? My son delivered that message for her, not even a personal request.
Excellent guide. But I have failed to build connection. I have a survival connection with my son by phone once a week for 20-30mins. When you fail with the daughter in law you have failed with the grandkids too. The grandkids only recognise those close to their mum and can’t go beyond. It’s unfortunate but reality.