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Top 10 Jewish Animal Jokes

June 28, 2018 | by Staff

With a few dog jokes slipped in for good measure.

It’s not just dogs that we Jews like to tell jokes about, the entire animal kingdom is up for grabs. Enjoy our top ten Jewish animal jokes with a few dog jokes slipped in for good measure:

1. Moishe the Talking Parrot

Aaron came back from the pet store elated at his new purchase -- a parrot. And this wasn't just any parrot, this one could talk.

Aaron stayed up all night teaching his new parrot, Moishe, Hebrew.

The next morning, while Aaron was putting on his tefillin, Moishe the parrot demanded to know what he was doing. When Aaron explained, the parrot wanted a pair too. Aaron went out and dutifully made a miniature set of tefillin for Moishe.

The parrot wanted to learn how to daven and Aaron taught him every prayer. He wanted to learn more about Judaism so Aaron spent months teaching him Torah. In time, Aaron came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and a fellow Jew.

One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Aaron rose and got dressed and was about to leave when Moishe demanded to go with him. Aaron explained that shul was not place for a bird but the parrot insisted and was carried to shul on Aaron's shoulder.

Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Aaron was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days but Aaron convinced them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven.

Wagers were made with Aaron. Thousands of dollars were bet (even odds) that the parrot could not daven, could not speak Hebrew and knew nothing about Judaism. All eyes were on the African Grey during services.

The parrot perched on Aaron's shoulder as one prayer and song passed -- Aaron heard not a peep from the bird.

He began to get annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath,

"Moishe! Daven!" Nothing. "Daven! Come on, everybody's looking at you!"

Nothing. After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Aaron found that he owed his shul buddies and the Rabbi over $4,000. He marched home, extremely angry, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the shul the bird began to sing "Avinu Malkeinu" at the top of his lungs.

Aaron stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over $4,000. Why? After I made your tefillin and taught you how to daven and learned Torah with you. Why did you do this to me?"

"Don't be silly," Moishe replied. "Think of the odds on Yom Kippur."

2. The Dog and the Bird

Old Mrs. Shpeilman lived alone except for her dog and her bird. One day, Mrs. Shpeilman’s dishwasher stopped working so she called a repairman. Since she had to spend the day at her daughter’s house the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.

"By the way, don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Shpeilman’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest-looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling and name calling. Finally, the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

3. The Dog Ate Moishie’s Homework

"Moishie, where's your homework?" Miss Feinman said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.

"My dog ate it," was his solemn response.

"Moishie, I've been a teacher in this Talmud Torah for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?"

"It's true, Miss Feinman, I promise" insisted the boy. "I had to force him, but he ate it!"

4. Dog Gone It

A man walks into shul with a dog. The shammas (ritual custodian) comes up to him and says, "Pardon me sir, but this is a House of Worship, you can't bring your dog in here!"

"What do you mean?" says the man. "This is a Jewish dog. Look."

The shammas looks carefully and sees that in the same way that a St. Bernard carries a brandy barrel around its neck this dog has a tallis bag (prayer shawl) around its neck.

"Rover," says the man, "kipah!"

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a kipah and puts it on his head.

"Rover," says the man, "tallis!"

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a tallis and puts it around his neck.

"Rover," says the man, "daven!"

"Woof!" says the dog, stands on his hind legs, opens the tallis bag, takes out a prayer book and starts to pray.

"That's fantastic," says the shammas, "absolutely incredible! You should take him to Hollywood. Get him on television, get him in the movies, he could make you millions!!

"You talk to him," says the man, "he wants to be a doctor."

5. The Davening Dog

Within days of purchasing a lovely dog named Moshe, Avrom notices that Moshe is very intelligent – he always comes when his name is called no matter what he was doing; he always finds his bone no matter where it's hidden; and he learns new tricks very quickly. He can even balance on one leg for 30 seconds.

Avrom realizes that Moshe is a very special kind of dog – a Jewish dog, most probably, so he teaches Moshe to wear a kippa. And because Moshe looks so frum in his kippa, Avrom starts to teach him Hebrew. Not surprisingly, Moshe quickly starts learning and then speaking some Hebrew words in a doggie kind of voice. But then one morning, Avrom, realizing that Yom Kippur is only a few days away, phones his rabbi and gets permission to bring Moshe to shul with him.

On Yom Kippur morning, they arrive in shul and the kippa-wearing Moshe is given the seat immediately between Avrom and a Mr Birnboam. The service begins and immediately Moshe can be heard by those around him praying in Hebrew in a yappy but reasonably clear breathy kind of voice, with heartfelt 'wails' thrown in every now and then. Mr Birnboam turns to Avrom and whispers, "I just can't believe what I'm seeing and hearing. It looks like your dog is davening. But he can't be, can he? I must be dreaming. If I am, please wake me up immediately."

"No, you're not dreaming Mr Birnboam," whispers Avrom, "Moshe truly is davening."

"If that's so," whispers Mr Birnboam, "you can get thousands of dollars for such an act on THE X FACTOR or AMERICA'S GOT TALENT."

"Mr Birnboam," whispers Avrom, "I can assure you that the same thoughts have crossed my mind. But my Moshe has told me in no uncertain terms that he wants to be an Accountant."

6. Hot Dog

Moishe Epstein the accountant was looking for office help. He put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got Epstein. Epstein looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at Epstein. Epstein said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to Epstein and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

Epstein was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time.

By this time Epstein was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. Epstein said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at Epstein calmly and said, "Meow!"

7. The Parrot that Teaches Hebrew

David and Bernice are visiting Israel and are out for a stroll when they walk into a pet store and see a parrot with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to its right leg.

David asks the store owner the significance of the strings.

“This parrot can teach you to speak Hebrew,” said the store owner. "It’s is a highly trained parrot. If you pull the red string, he speaks Hebrew; if you pull the green string, he speaks English.”

"And what happens if I pull both strings at the same time?" asks David

"I fall off my perch, Einstein!" squawks the parrot.

8. The Rabbi’s Blessing

One very windy Sunday morning, a rabbi was on his way shul when suddenly a strong gust of wind blew his black hat off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away. He just couldn't catch up with it.

A young non-Jewish man, witnessing this event and being in better shape than the rabbi, ran after the hat and caught it. The young non-Jewish man handed the hat over to the rabbi. The rabbi was so pleased and grateful that he gave the man twenty dollars, put his hand on the man's head and blessed him. The young man was very excited about both the tip and the blessing.

The young non-Jewish decided to take his new found wealth to the racetrack. He bet the entire $20 on the first race that he could. After the races the young man returned home and recounted his very exciting day at the races to his father.

“I arrived at the fifth race,” said the young man. “I looked at the racing program and saw a horse by the name of ' Top Hat' was running. The odds on this horse were 100 to 1. It was the longest shot in the field.

“After saving the rabbi's hat, having received the rabbi's blessing, gotten the $20, and seeing ' Top Hat' in the fifth race, I thought this was a message from God. So, I bet the entire 20 dollars on Top Hat. And amazing thing happened. The horse that was the longest shot and who did not have the slightest chance to even show, came in first by 5 lengths.”

“You must have made a fortune!” said the father.

“Well yes, $2000. But wait, it gets better,” replied the son. “In the following race, I looked at the program. A horse by the name of 'Stetson' was running. The odds on the horse were 30 to 1'. Stetson being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi's blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse.”

“What happened?” asked the excited father.

“Stetson came in like a rocket. Now I had $60,000!”

“Are you telling me you brought home all this money?” asked his excited father.

“No,” said the son. “I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named 'Chateau.' So I decided to bet all the money on it because the horse was the heavy favorite and the name also means hat in French. But the horse broke down and came in last.”

“Hat in French is 'Chapeau' not 'Chateau!’” screamed the father. “So what horse won the race then?”

“It was some long shot from Japan named 'Yarmulka.’”

9. Horse Play

A guy walks into a parrot shop and asks, “How much is that parrot?”

“It's $5,000,” replies the store owner.

“Why so much?”

“Well this parrot knows the Talmud by heart.”

The shopper was impressed. “What about that parrot?” he asked.

“It's $10,000.”

“Why so much?”

“Oh this bird knows the Talmud and all of the major rabbinic commentaries.”

The shopper notices a platinum cage and asks “how much?”

The owner says, “$100,000.”

“Wow!! What does that bird know?”

The shop owner replies, "I have no idea but the first two birds call him ‘Rebbe’”!!

10. The Jewish Horse

Shmerel wants to borrow a horse from his neighbor, Berel.

"Sure you can borrow my horse," replies Berel. "But one thing you have to know about this horse. He is trained to start when you say 'Baruch Hashem' (thank God), and he stops when you say 'Shema Yisrael.'"

So Shmerel gets on the horse and practices. "Baruch Hashem" he says, and the horse breaks into a trot. "Shema Yisrael" he announces, and sure enough, the horse stops. After practicing a few times, he feels confident and begins his journey.

As he is riding along a road, he sees that the road ends up ahead with a steep cliff. Suddenly Shmerel realizes that he has forgotten the word needed to make the horse stop.

"Ashrei yoshvei vetecha" he squeaks, desperately. The horse keeps going.

"Um – Adon Olam" he intones.

The horse keeps going.

"Eh – Aleinu L'shabeiach."

But the horse keeps galloping.

Now fearful that he is about to die, Shmerel does what any good Jew would do when confronted with certain death. He screams our, "Shema Yisrael." As trained, the horse stops suddenly -- barely two feet from the edge of the cliff.

Shaking like a leaf, Shmerel pulls out his handkerchief and wipes the sweat from his forehead. "Whew" he exclaims, "Baruch Hashem!"

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