The 7 Lies Hollywood Taught Me About Love

Like many American girls, I was raised on a steady diet of romcoms, soap operas and Disney movies. I realized intellectually that the messages Hollywood was promoting about love weren’t super accurate, but when you’re exposed to this stuff over and over from such a young age, it influences your subconscious. The line between fantasy and reality starts to get blurred and you start to think that real life is how it looks in the movies.

It took me many years of frustrating dating experiences and deepening my Jewish commitment to un-learn these messages. Here are the top seven lies Hollywood taught me about love.

1. Love is Falling

Hollywood promotes the idea that you fall in love— meaning, it just happens – often against your will and better judgment. The person you stumbled for could be abusive, a jerk, or missing your entire list of non-negotiables. But you don’t care, because you fell, hard. And there’s nothing to do when you fall, right?

In Judaism, we believe that we’re stepping consciously into a relationship. It’s not out of my control. I might have certain chemical feelings without planning to have them, but what I do about my feelings is a choice.

I work with my clients to understand that we don’t just fall for someone we have chemistry with. We want to date with intention—making conscious choices to build a relationship with a mensch who has what we are looking for long-term.

2. You’ll instantly know when you meet the one.

One of my favorite movies is “Enchanted.” The princess falls from the tree and the prince reaches up to catch her. They’ve never met before – they’ve never said two words to each other. And he says, “We’ll be married in the morning!”

In the film, Disney is making fun of itself. But what’s not a joke is that this is, in fact, the message Disney has been broadcasting for years in so many of its movies. You don’t really have to have conversations – you’re just destined to be together. The chemistry is there. There’s an immediate “click”, fireworks, let’s get married!

The myth that love is instant can be so destructive to people looking to get married. So many of my clients erroneously expect that they’ll immediately know when they’ve met the one. It’s the click, the electricity, the chemistry. Seeing him across the room and locking eyes. He must be the right person! And I’ll know right away because the feeling of meeting him will be so intense, it will be totally obvious.

Now, on rare occasions, this does happen, and it’s a big gift. But it’s not common. The reality is that guy you locked eyes with and felt destined to be with…could be totally the wrong person.

The vast majority of my clients thought their husband-to-be was fairly cute when they first met. Not necessarily anything amazing. But then, as they got to know him better, they saw his good qualities and became more attracted. That’s a healthy, normal progression in a relationship for a woman.

So no fireworks, no instantaneous magic in the air. No love at first sight. You might feel magical a few months in, but don’t give up on a relationship because you don’t feel smitten right away. Lead with your head and bring your heart and hormones along after. It’s not that your heart and hormones don’t count, but they should not be leading the process.

3. Love and lust are synonymous.

In the media, there’s not that much difference between love and lust. If he’s attracted to her that means he also must love her. Which means that love is completely chemically-based. It’s the same thing as infatuation – that drive-me-crazy, can’t-stop-thinking-about-you feeling that so many movies feature.

With infatuation, your brain is completely checked out. There’s zero rational thought. You’re being controlled by your hormones and chemistry.

This might be exciting and feel good in the short-term, but this is not the same thing as love. Ultimately, chemistry won’t get you through a lifetime commitment like marriage.

I work with clients of all religious backgrounds to date smart and shelve the physical while we’re getting to know someone and evaluating whether they’re compatible with you long-term. No one wants to be in the 50% divorce rate, so you want to date with your brain fully operational, unaffected by oxytocin, dopamine and the other “love hormones” that are stimulated in large part by physical involvement.

So no matter how strong the chemistry is, it’s critical to look for the important key ingredients: Is there mutual respect? Does he have good character? Does he have a good heart? Is he growth-oriented? These are the things that lead to a successful marriage.

4. The bad boy will change for the right girl.

“I love projects,” or, “Meeting me will make him want to get married,” many women have said while making the biggest mistake of their lives. Yes, it’s so romantic when the bad boy falls for the sweet, beautiful girl and totally changes his ways, but in real life, this does not happen.

You are not going to reform the bad boy. If he’s a player when he meets you, chances are that he will continue to be a player for a long time after he’s met you. You are not going to change that – so stop trying!

Instead, find a mensch who is already marriage-minded and isn’t going to break your heart into a million pieces before you figure out that he is not going to change.

5. Looks and image create long-term happiness.

If there’s anything that Hollywood has injected into our brains over and over again, it’s that looks, image, wealth, and status create long-term happiness. I have some clients who say to me, “He needs to be six feet and gorgeous and wealthy.”

Does any of this contribute to a solid, eternal marriage? Most people gain weight, guys eventually lose their hair, and money comes and goes. If you are going to marry someone based on superficial, conditional things like that, you’re setting yourself up for a terrible marriage and perhaps divorce.

Don’t marry someone for something fleeting and external like beauty, money, or image. Yes there needs to attraction and chemistry, but be primarily focused on the inner core – his character and whether he matches your deal-breaker list.

6. Physical intimacy leads to marriage.

In Hollywood movies, the physical usually comes very quickly and the “happily ever after” inevitably follows. This makes sense if love is based mostly on physical attraction and chemistry, right? If everything goes well with the test drive, you might as well get married.

But in real life, having physical intimacy lead to marriage is statistically not so common. A lot of times when things get physical, they stay physical and never get any deeper…and then the relationship eventually blows up into tiny pieces when the couple start fighting and disrespecting each other because they never had anything in common anyway. And good character? Yeah, not a priority.

Dating smart means shelving the physical. If you let the chemistry take over, it can be really hard to be objective about whether this is really a person you want to spend your life with.

In the Jewish world, we totally flip it around. First, we determine if the person is compatible with us, and then we invest a little bit more emotionally, and only after we’re deeply connected emotionally and he matches our deal-breaker list and we’ve made a lifelong commitment to this person (ie marriage) do we start a physical relationship.

7. Love lasts forever if you choose properly.

One of my favorite examples of this is “Sleepless in Seattle” where Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan learn all about each other but actually never meet. And throughout the film the tension is: will they meet, will they meet? And when they finally do, that’s the end of the movie!

They haven’t even had a face-to-face conversation – they’re just destined to be together. We have no idea if they have common goals and values. We don’t know if they meet each other’s fundamental needs. Who cares? They’re destined for each other, and in the last three seconds of the movie, they finally meet and we assume sail off happily ever after into the sunset.

What is this film telling us about love and how to decide if this is the one? I’ve always wanted a sequel – “Awake in Seattle” where the infatuation wears off and now their relationship truly begins.

Hollywood tells us all you have to do is find the right one and then you can sail off blissfully into the sunset. But marriage takes a lot of work, even when you chose the right person.

Each person is a unique world, with different families, different backgrounds, and sometimes different cultures. It’s normal for there to be some difficulties in adjusting to marriage. Very few movies show you the real work of marriage. Don’t be surprised when it gets hard, because that’s exactly how it’s supposed to be. Stretching ourselves to care about another person and give to them unconditionally is meant to be challenging!

So the Jewish message is happily ever after… with a lot of work!

Devorah Kigel is a successful dating and marriage coach who has helped over 300 women marry their soulmates, and also a popular speaker to diverse audiences. Devorah ’ s first book “Marry a Mensch: Timeless Jewish Wisdom for Today’s Single Woman” will be published by Gefen this September. Click here to pre-order. She can be found at www.devorahkigel.com and @devorahkigel on Instagram/Facebook.