Respect and Marriage

R-E-S-P-E-C-T! Aretha Franklin was onto something.

Every marriage has its ups and downs. There are strong, safe moments and moments that feel a little strained. And during those tough moments it can be hard to feel all those warm, fuzzy feelings for each other. When criticism, coldness, or complaints show up (sometimes without warning), it can shake you. Before you know it, you're acting in ways you never thought possible and feeling a loneliness you never imagined possible in the relationship with the one you cherish most.

This is where respect is so crucial. Respect becomes a kind of safeguard, a protective layer, helping keep your relationship from going places you don’t want it to go.

What is Respect?

At its core, respect means “I see you. You matter.” It’s not just an external show or a forced politeness—it’s a deep foundation of valuing who your spouse truly is. This idea isn’t only about feeling warm toward each other; it’s about truly honoring their place in your life.

The Talmud captures this beautifully when it teaches, “A man must love his wife as himself and honor her more than himself” (Yevamot 62b). Respect is a foundational commitment, a recognition of your spouse’s inherent dignity and value. Not only are they created in the image of God deserving of respect, but they’re also someone who’s been your confidant, your support, and perhaps even the parent of your children. They’re more than a partner—they’re part of your very soul, even when it might not feel that way.

How Respect Shows Up

Respect shows up in the little things and the big things. It’s woven into how you speak to each other, how you act in moments of tension, and how you react to your differences. It’s about allowing your spouse to be themselves and honoring that—even if they don’t see things exactly the way you do. Respect means giving each other the dignity to be your own person, even when you’re upset. It’s having boundaries that you both agree never to cross, no matter what: no name-calling, no harsh words, no belittling.

And if you sometimes slip up? Respect means apologizing. It means making things right. Because even when you’re in the heat of an argument, there are certain boundaries you won’t let yourself cross. Respect keeps you from letting things get out of hand, keeping your marriage from going to places you’d never want it to go.

Why Respect Matters for Both Partners

Respect isn’t just a nice gesture; it’s something both partners need in order to feel truly valued. For men, respect often serves as a crucial affirmation of their place and their role in the relationship. It says, “I see your efforts, and they matter to me.” For women, respect can feel like an acknowledgment of their dignity and their value as an individual, not just in the roles they play. When both partners feel respected, it creates a space where you feel seen and appreciated for who you are.

Respect can look different in each marriage, but at its heart, it’s about listening, being open, and creating a safe space for each other. You don’t have to agree on everything. But respect means showing up for each other, hearing each other’s voice, and giving each other the benefit of the doubt.

A Foundation to Fall Back On

In hard times, this respect acts as a safety net. It helps you keep from saying things you can’t take back or letting your frustration take over. Respect keeps you grounded, protecting you from slipping into bitterness, hurt, or anger that can tear at the fabric of your relationship. It reminds you of your commitment to each other and helps you stay connected, even in moments that don’t feel particularly loving.

With respect as your anchor, you keep the core of your marriage strong. It helps you stay grateful for the love and companionship you’ve built, even during the more difficult times. And it can help guide you back to a place of closeness, where you feel once again like the happy, connected couple you want to be.

Respect as a Way of Life

Respect is something you carry through every day of your marriage. It reminds you to be grateful, to see the other person, and to value them for everything they bring into your life. By practicing respect, you create a relationship where both partners feel valued, honored, and safe.

The mishna teaches, “Who is honored? One who honors others” (Ethics of the Fathers, 4:1). When you honor your spouse, you elevate them – and yourself as well. With respect as your foundation, you create a marriage rooted in mutual dignity, where love, appreciation, and harmony can flourish. This respect builds a legacy that keeps your relationship deeply connected and resilient, even during its most vulnerable moments.