Mourning and Hope on Judaism’s Saddest Day of the Year

My daughter's birthday and the anniversary of my father's passing are three days apart. Having lost my father in a freak accident when I was a teenager, that day is emotionally charged for me, and when I was planning my daughter’s Bat Mitzvah, it was a date to avoid at all costs. But due to a medical situation, the date we chose had to be changed, and unless we wanted to postpone the Bat Mitzvah for months, the only available date was – of course – that date.

How could I celebrate this joyful milestone event on a day that is one of the hardest days of the year for me? Pushing away the negative emotions only muddies the waters. The more authentic response would be to allow myself to sit with the discomfort of feeling multiple contradictory emotions and honor the truth of my experience. I can be both happy and sad, hopeful and fearful. This is what makes me human.

I can be both happy and sad, hopeful and fearful. This is what makes me human.

Every day has the potential for darkness and despair, and light and joy. And due to the inborn trait of “negativity bias,” we often tend to focus on what is “bad” and lose sight of what is “good.”

What you focus on is a choice. You have the power to shift your perspective and choose to see the beauty and hope in the world, even when it feels like everything is falling apart.

That’s the message I choose to see in Tisha B’Av, the day that marks the destruction of the First and Second Temples and is considered the saddest day on the Jewish calendar.

There is more to Tisha B'Av than the destruction of the Temples. Initially, that day was meant to be a day of joy and celebration. It was the day that the Jewish people in the desert were supposed to have entered the land of Israel. But this joyous occasion was foiled by the incident of the spies. When the spies came back to report on the land of Israel, they brought back news of a fertile and abundant land, but they also reported that the people living there were strong and powerful and unlikely to be defeated. Two realities.

The Jewish people panicked and wept with fear, demonstrating a lack of faith and trust in God. As a result, instead of staying on track to enter the promised land after leaving Mount Sinai, their entry into the land of Israel was postponed by 40 years. A day that was meant to be one of celebration and joy turned into a day of mourning and sorrow – then and now.

But it doesn’t have to be that way forever.

Tisha B'Av presents a dual reality. Yes, we mourn the past, but there also is a glimmer of hope for the future, because the Jewish story is a “long game,” and ultimately, we will experience the Final Redemption and bring an era of peace and prosperity to the world. As the manager in The Best Exotic Marigold Hote” tells a group of disgruntled guests, “Everything will be all right in the end, and if it’s not all right, it is not the end.”

The celebration of my daughter's Bat Mitzvah on the day of my father's passing was a reminder that life is a precious gift and we must cherish every moment, whether it be sad or joyous – or even both, since sadness and joy coexist. What better way, I realized, to honor my father than to celebrate the beginning of a new chapter in my daughter’s life.

What better way, I realized, to honor my father than to celebrate the beginning of a new chapter in my daughter’s life.

I silently thanked my father and told him we turned out all right – more than all right. And while I will always miss my father, for the first time I felt a sense of peace.

Finding joy in darkness is a challenge that many of us face. It's easy to get bogged down by the negativity and struggles of daily life, to feel like there is no light to be found. However, it's important to remember that even in the bleakest moments, there is always the potential for joy, and we can still find one small way to move forward with positivity. If nothing else, we can use our pain and grief to inspire us to be better, kinder people. We can strive to be more compassionate and empathetic towards others who are experiencing their own struggles.

The dual energy of Tisha B'Av reflects this reality. You can create meaning and significance even in the midst of difficult circumstances. On Tisha B'Av, as you recall the destruction of the Temples, try to also use this day as an opportunity to reflect on the good in your life and find ways to move forward with positivity and hope.