Jewish Solutions to Global Warming
Is it hot in here or is it just me shvitzing?
From sea to shining sea, America’s coastal cities, power plants, shipping terminals, pipelines, transmission wires, airports and more face some of the starkest dangers from global warming, the most recent National Climate Assessment says.
--U.S. News and World Report
Humans have increased carbon-dioxide levels rapidly, and to their highest levels in at least 800 years.
Americans are becoming more divided in their opinion on impact of global warming and humanity’s role in the phenomenon, as the number of global warming skeptics has roughly doubled over the past 10 years to encompass one in four of the population.
Whether you believe global warming is an ever-worsening, catastrophic global problem – or some liberal commie pinko hippie hoax, one thing is certain – global warming reports, opinions and controversies are all over the news.
With so much attention being directed toward the issue, it was only a matter of time before Jewish solutions to global warming were proposed. And now they have been. But do you need to spend your precious time searching online to find them? No way! I’ve done it for you. That’s how much I care. You’re welcome.
Here, then, is a selective survey of proposed Jewish solutions to global warming. One disclaimer: Jewlarious does not endorse any of the following solutions; we’re embarrassed enough just to present them.
Jews are among the smartest and most resourceful people ever. Cesar Milstein was a Nobel Prize winner in the field of immunology. Jonas Salk created the polio vaccine. Albert Einstein developed the theory of relativity, effecting a revolution in physics. And now, Shlomo Bideldorf, of New Brunswick, Maine, has invented the Sunbrella, a giant, retractable umbrella screen that can shield the entire Earth from the sun’s rays until a better solution comes along. Why isn’t it in use yet? Do you have any idea how powerful the suntan lotion lobby is in Washington? Why do you think Speaker of the House John Boehner has such a bronze glow to him? Talk to your elected representatives and demand the Sunbrella be put to use immediately!
A MILLION AND ONE WITHERINGLY COLD GLANCES
Remember that look your mother would give you when you did something very, very wrong. How it could chill you to your very soul. What if those looks could be collected, harnessed, and their power laser-focused upon the sun? Might the witheringly cold glances from a million and one deeply disappointed Jewish mothers, grandmothers, and mothers-in-law successfully bring down the sun’s temperature thereby slowing the progress of global warming? Seems far-fetched? Not to the researchers at New Jersey’s Institute for the Harnessing of Maternal Power. They’ve been working on the process for nearly ten years and according to an insider, are very close to a breakthrough.
COLD BEET BORSCHT SOUP SUIT
Some of the proposed solutions were less oriented toward stopping global warming than simply making its effects more bearable. One such solution involves the wearing of a specially constructed suit with a cold beet borscht soup-filled thermal lining. Your body then becomes virtually air conditioned all day long to the extent that you won’t even notice the global warming. And in an emergency, say if you’re stuck on some hiking trail and out of food, the soup is fully edible. Ed Begley Jr. has one of the first prototypes and swears by it. Optional accessory items include ice-cold lemonade-filled socks, chilled Manishevitz wine-infused underwear, and a yarmulke topped with a convex mirror that repels the sun’s rays.
MOVE TO THE NORTH POLE
Israel is such a special, holy place no question about it. But what about moving to the North Pole? Plenty of space, no hostile countries surrounding it. And the climate is not to die for. In fact, it’s very cool. Global warming will be a distant memory there. Granted, we’ll have to change “The land of milk and honey” to “The land of walruses and blubber,” but isn’t that worth the peace and cool temps?
While meditating will do absolutely nothing to stop or control global warming, it will be a godsend as far as how you perceive the environmental problem. Because if you are able to clear your mind and focus on a one-word mantra, a candle or simply a spot on the wall in front of you, that’s extra time you don’t have to spend obsessing over the melting of the Polar icecaps. As for your one-word mantra, may we suggest “kugel,” simply because it’s comforting. And you can train your gaze on a photo of a polar bear, to focus on one of the world’s coolest animals. Should food be served while you meditate? Hey, this is Jewish meditation; do you really have to ask?
DEPORT THE NON-BELIEVERS
The non-believers in global warming, that is. Deport them. That’ll leave a lot less hot air around, which contributes greatly to global warming. To where can they be deported? Well, I understand that the Sahara Desert is pretty darn roomy. But they should dress lightly, because I understand the region can get pretty hot during the summer months.