Iran’s Attack on Israel
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You want to move on, but how do you shrug off the emotions of bitterness, hurt and betrayal?
Think about a time you were hurt or offended by someone. Maybe you felt that you were unfairly accused of something you didn’t do, or maybe you felt underappreciated and taken advantage of by the other person. What emotions arose inside? Anger? Betrayal? Resentment?
Growing up, many of us were told things like “forgive and forget” or “put it behind you.” After all, “don’t bear a grudge” is one of Judaism’s commandments. Who wants to live their life stuck in the past, carrying their grievances around and perpetuating a cycle of negativity?
But the problem is how do you not bear a grudge? Yes, you want to move on, but how do you shrug off the emotions of bitterness, hurt, betrayal, and the sense that you’ve been wronged? How do you actually let go?
Here are four strategies for how to successfully not bear a grudge.
When you feel hurt by another person, communicate your feelings directly and address the issue by discussing the matter with them. Grudges occur when you keep your feelings bottled up - often believing that avoiding confrontation is the best, most peaceful approach. In reality, if you want to avoid grudges, you have to nip issues in the bud when they occur and not let them simmer beneath the surface, ready to explode at a later date.
Judaism gives a preventative measure that aims to avoid the potential issue of bearing a grudge before it even occurs: “You shall not hate your brother in your heart. Rebuke your neighbor, but do not bear a sin because of him” (Vayikra 19:17).
There is a misconception that rebuke is classified negatively as criticism – that it involves anger, raised voices, an attitude of moral superiority, and talking down to a person. But the Jewish command to rebuke needs to be an act that stems from love, performed in an atmosphere of trust, privacy and concern. Telling someone, in a gentle and appropriate way, that they have done something to hurt you will give them the opportunity to fix their behavior and become more self-aware.
When someone has hurt or offended you, perhaps there is more to the situation than meets the eye. Perhaps the other person was going through a difficult financial situation and wasn’t in a good frame of mind. Perhaps they come from a different culture than you and by those standards, their behavior wouldn’t be considered out of line. Perhaps the person just lacks self-awareness and wasn’t mindful of the fact that they were doing something that would cause upset.
There could be all manner of reasons why the other person did the thing they did or said the thing they said. You cannot change the past, but you can change the light that you frame the other person in. Before jumping to the conclusion, “They’re such a horrible person, and I never want to have anything to do with them ever again,” step back for a moment and consider, “Perhaps there’s more to the situation than meets the eye.” As the Mishna in Ethics of the Fathers says, “Judge everyone favorably” (1:6).
Making the effort to try to understand the other person's perspective doesn't mean that you have to agree with them - you might still think that they were in the wrong. But this understanding can provide clarity and lessen, if not remove, your resentment toward them.
The Talmud (Kiddushin 70a) teaches a timeless principle about human nature: When a person denigrates others, they are really invalidating the other person with their own shortcoming. When you disparage other people for being too disorganized or argumentative, for example, chances are that the flaw that you are accusing them of having is, in fact, an indication of a flaw that you possess. You are the one with the slothfulness or anger issue. As the expression goes, it takes one to know one.
When you find yourself getting angry with someone, consider whether the flaw that you see in them is something you yourself possess. If you believe that the other person is rude, ask yourself, “Am I completely innocent of this bad trait?” Before criticizing or blaming others, look inwards and examine your own actions first.
Many times, if you had to explain out loud why you were harboring a grudge toward someone else, you’d be embarrassed by the amount of pettiness involved. While you seemed so certain of their bad behavior when it was in your head, it suddenly sounds trivial and minor when you express it with words.
Often, the original offense might not warrant such a prolonged or intense negative emotion. By holding onto the grudge, you are likely magnifying the significance of the offense beyond its actual impact - making a mountain out of a molehill.
I’ve been guilty of this type of nitpicking. In the past, I got so caught up in “he said this” and “she said that I said this” that I lost sight of the bigger picture. No one is perfect. People will say things that hurt you, and you will probably say things that hurt them too. In the grand scheme of things, these feelings of resentment are not worth fixating on; they don’t deserve your mental energy.
Holding onto hurt only hurts you, and the strongest hearts are those that forgive.
In the original Hebrew, the Mishna in Ethics of the Fathers says, “Havai dan es kol ha'adam l'chaf zechus". You translated 'kol ha'adam' as 'everyone' - Judge everyone favorably” (1:6). An alternate translation that I've heard expounded upon is “Judge the entire person favorably” (1:6). The total picture of the person e.g. their background and upbringing (critical or abusive environment, different social cues), their personality (strong need for things to be predictable, disorganized, distractable), a human mix of positive and negative, strengths and weaknesses that we all are composed of (each individual is a package deal!), a temporary state (hungry, tired, worried, distracted, inadvertent oversight), inner turmoil having nothing to do with you due to illness, finances, insecurity, etc.
This is a great point and very relevant. Thanks for raising it 🙂
It seems impossible to forgive when the individual has been offensive and hurtful and never admits that they are wrong nor do they apologize. This has been ongoing with no communication for over 5 years. It is too upsetting to overlook and forget.
Great!
The thing is, though I can forgive up to a point, even when viewing the action dispassionately it seems wrong, in the sense of people shouldn’t behave that way. So is that bearing a grudge, or is it just a value judgement?
"Making the effort to try to understand the other person's perspective doesn't mean that you have to agree with them - you might still think that they were in the wrong. But this understanding can provide clarity and lessen, if not remove, your resentment toward them."