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7 simple communication shifts that will actually get your kids to listen.
Few parenting frustrations are more common than feeling like your child simply isn't listening.
You ask your child to get dressed and nothing happens. You remind them to set the table and they ignore you. You tell them it's time to leave and they take out another toy.
Getting children to listen isn’t impossible. Listening is a skill that can be taught and encouraged. Small changes in the way we communicate can make a big difference in how children respond.
Before we can help children listen, it helps to understand what's getting in the way.
Sometimes children are distracted. Sometimes they are tired. Sometimes they are focused on something they enjoy and don't want to stop. Most of all, they simply don't like being told what to do.
Nobody enjoys being controlled or talked down to. Children are no different. That’s why the more direct our commands, the more likely some children will resist.
Independent-minded children especially struggle with commands such as:
One of my favorite parenting tools comes from the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.
Instead of giving commands, try giving information.
For example:
Instead of: "Move your bike right now."
Try: "Your bike is in the driveway."Instead of: "Go feed the dog."
Try: "The dog is waiting by the door."
Giving information allows children to think for themselves and solve the problem independently.
Parents often explain, remind, lecture, and then explain some more. But children stop listening after the first few sentences.
Instead of saying: "We've talked about this before. You're going to be late. Your teacher is waiting. We have to leave right now."
Try: "Shoes."
Simple messages are often more effective than long speeches.
If your child is deeply involved in an activity, calling instructions across the room probably won’t work.
Before giving directions, move closer, get eye contact and use your child's name. Touch their shoulder if appropriate.
Children are more likely to listen when they feel we have entered their world before asking them to leave it.
Children are more cooperative when they have some control.
Instead of: "Put on your pants."
Try: "Would you like to wear your jeans or your khakis?"Instead of: "Get in the car."
Try: "Would you like to buckle yourself or would you like me to help you?"
Choices reduce power struggles while still allowing parents to maintain healthy boundaries.
Parents sometimes say to their kids, "You never listen. Why don't you ever do what I ask?"
Since children often begin to see themselves the way we describe them, this reinforces their inability to listen.
Instead, try praising your child by specifically noticing when they did listen:
Say things like:
"You got into the car when I asked you. That is good listening."
"You came the first time I called. You know how to listen!"
"I asked you to put your shoes away, and you did it right away. Your ears are getting stronger."
Children need to know what is expected of them.
You might say: "When I call you for dinner, I expect you to come to the table."
Or: "When it's time to leave the playground, I expect you to walk with me to the car."
Clear expectations help children understand the family rules and reduce confusion.
When children ignore us, it's easy to become frustrated and we yell. Kids then become to expect it. Unfortunately, it teaches children that Mom or Dad will repeat the request several times before they really mean it.
Instead, calmly repeat your expectation and follow through.
The calmer we remain, the more authority we communicate.
