Help! I Don’t Like My Spouse

Spurts of rage, anger and even hatred are actually normal in a marriage. Such feelings don’t indicate that your marriage is over or that it’s time to leave. So instead of Googling “I hate my spouse”, try these four tangible steps to improve things when you feel that you can’t stand your spouse.

1. Commit to making it work

Marriages that last share one secret: commitment to making it work. Unwavering commitment is the most effective tool you have in your marriage toolbox and the greatest gift you can give your spouse. When you or your spouse are enraged, it might be tempting to threaten the ‘D’ word—divorce, but this must be avoided at all costs. Dangling the relationship in this way is detrimental to the overall relationship and self-esteem of your spouse. Empty threats of leaving tear down the sense of security in your partner and create unease in the home, preventing you and your spouse from being your most vulnerable self — a version that is needed in order to have a healthy, thriving relationship.

Remaining on the fence about whether or not to stay in your marriage and making that uncertainty apparent to your spouse is detrimental to your marriage. Once you decide your relationship is worth saving, make it clear that you are in it to win it. This will foster confidence and good will to continue giving the relationship your all.

Stop the casual threats and make an internal, concrete decision. Unfortunately, divorce is necessary at times*. If so, it should not be casually dropped in a moment of rage. Instead, it should be spoken about in a moment of clarity and in an official manner.

This enormous decision is one that only you can make. It’s okay to make a decision that involves a timeline, such as: I’m going to give it one year, and if nothing has improved, then I will leave. But whatever you do, don’t remain on the fence throwing out empty threats. Decide: are you in our out?

2. Choose love and connection

Once you’ve made the decision to work on your marriage, now comes the hard part. If you want to love someone, give to that person. The Hebrew word for love is ahava. The core of the word is hav, which means to give. Contrary to popular belief, giving leads to loving—not the reverse. Love is a choice and our choices define our relationships.

Dr. Victor Frankel, Holocaust survivor and founder of logotherapy, believed that while a person cannot choose his surrounding stimulus, he always has the power to choose his own response. For example, in the heat of the moment, take a step back and bite your tongue. Remember, you never want to have a heavy conversation with our spouses when you are H.A.L.T.—hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.

Once you change your reaction and response, the entire dynamic of the relationship has the power to change. It takes two to tango, but only one person has to make a change for the relationship to improve. You can always choose love and connection, even when it’s hard.

3. Reinforce positive behavior

Believe it or not, change is possible, and human behavior can be shaped with positive reinforcement. Amy Sutherland’s bestselling book, What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love, and Marriage, explains that the same reinforcement that animal trainers use to shape behaviors of exotic animals can be used to shape the behavior of people—and even our spouse.

Human behavior is pretty simple when you break it down. Humans thrive off reward, and everyone seeks to avoid pain and pursue pleasure. Using the three ‘A’s—attention, affection, and appreciation—you can provide a bio-feedback loop for your partner’s brain that will affect her actionable choices.

Sutherland’s primary tenets are: ignore poor behavior (attention), reinforce positive behavior (affection), and express appreciation. Little by little, people can change with reinforcement. The best part about the process is that when you practice the three ‘A’s, you won’t just be changing your spouse—the real change will take place within you.

Appreciation is one of the easiest tools to implement and is a basic human need that many couples aren’t actively practicing.

Studies found that the number one gripe raised in marriage counseling sessions was that one spouse doesn’t appreciate the other. When you see your spouse doing his “job,” thank him, notice him, and energize that action if you want to see more of it.

Instead of nagging about the negative, ignore it and it will dissipate. Humans tend to magnify the negative, which is really good for surviving in the wilderness, but not so good for happy marriages. When you make these changes within yourself, not only do you stop seeing your partner as the caricature you have created, but you start to see him as a person—yes, with flaws, but with a lot of good, too. Even if nothing changes about him, you will change how you see him.

4. Find healthy fulfillment outside your marriage

It may take some time before you start to see the fruits of your labor. You could be working hard to appreciate your spouse and acknowledge her positive actions, and it may seem like nothing is penetrating. She may even ridicule you and say, “What silly marriage advice did you start following this time?”

Try to ignore those negative comments and get busy finding other ways to take care of yourself. When you change your dance step in a marriage, the initial reaction may not be well received. It may take your partner time to realize you are serious about your efforts, or for her to follow suit and make changes as well.

Either way, keep at it. Self-care isn’t selfish, it’s the first step to loving others. If you don’t love you, how can you expect others to?

Begin finding fulfilling and meaningful activities to occupy your mind and soothe your soul. Healthy acts of self-care, community service, and creative pursuits can fill you up while you wait for your spouse to catch up.

These four actions can get you out of your marriage funk today. Try them out and see the results for yourself.

*Divorce may be necessary if there is continued abuse, addiction or adultery in the relationship