Do Parents Always Need to be On the Same Page?

Every parenting expert worth their salt will tell you mom and dad have got to be on the same page when it comes to disciplining kids.

Well, if there are any perfect parents out there who manage to go by the book – more power to them; there’s no denying the strength of a united front.

But most parents in the real world simply aren’t like that, or at least not most of the time.

Good Cop, Bad Cop

Author and parent-of-two Dara Kurtz maintains that “In every family, there’s a strict parent and a more lenient parent.” One survey of 2000 children showed most said Mom was stricter with things like homework and screen time. Other research has shown mothers tend to be the softer parents, with the father acting a bit firmer.

What seems to be the common denominator in these families is that one parent will be the discipline-focused boundary-setter, while the other will be more easy-going and laid back, automatically compensating for their partner.

“My husband is the favorite parent – he is the one who allows ‘pink water’ (squash), staying up late and the buying of Disney hair clips.  I end up playing the bad "cop,” laments journalist and mom of two Jenny Coad in The Times.

“There was a similar pattern in my own family,” recalls Gita Marks, a teacher, writer and mother of four now grown-up kids. “They had their dad around their finger. I’d fix a bedtime, but if I went out and left him in charge, they’d be out of bed and jumping around within minutes. I’d set rules about healthy eating, and he’d slip them fizzy drinks when my back was turned, touched by their pathetic pleas. I ended up being the ‘policeman’, the rule-enforcer; while he was the good guy who said ‘yes’ to pretty much everything they asked for.”

Is discipline in families such as these doomed to failure?

Kids Adapt to Differences

Thankfully, based on the experiences of mothers like Dara and Gita, as well as many of the parents I’ve seen in my role as a parenting practitioner, the outlook is surprisingly sunny. In the first place, even young kids are incredibly good at coping with the fact that different rules apply with different people or in different settings. Even babies who can’t yet talk may cooperate when being fed by one parent, while twisting their heads away and resisting with the other.

It turns out that, long term, the parents’ differing approaches actually balance each other out.

But even more reassuringly, it turns out that, long term, the parents’ differing approaches actually balance each other out. At first, unsurprisingly, the “soft touch” parent is more popular. In the long-term, however, the children come to appreciate the boundary-setter as well.

When I think back to my own childhood, we’d nag my mom daily to buy us pizza and chips from the local takeaway; it was the peak of our culinary aspirations. As an adult, I’m grateful she insisted on cooking and serving us wholesome food, with fast-food bought only as an occasional treat. Obviously, this doesn’t mean extreme strictness is called for– discipline has to be tempered with kindness; it only works in the long run when it’s based on the foundation of a positive relationship.

“It took a while, but my kids are now grown up, raising families of their own,” relates Gita. “They adore their dad, but each of them in their own good time has spontaneously come and thanked me for bringing them up with boundaries. And best of all is watching them bring up their own kids, loving them yet setting reasonable limits (and experiencing for themselves the joy of a partner who’s a softie).”

So if you and your partner aren’t singing from the same disciplining songbook, perhaps view it as a strength. You complement each other. The Bible describes Eve, the first woman, created as a partner for Adam, as Ezer Kenegdo – a “helper opposite him”. As Rabbi Dr Benji Levy explains, “Sometimes a partner needs to provide direct assistance and support, while other times a partner needs to take the opposite approach and provide an objective ‘sounding board’.”

Not In Front of the Children

Of course, it’s worth trying to minimize differences of approach, as children thrive on consistency.

And in the event that you do disagree about something, it’s important not to argue in front of the kids – even if all you do is take the argument behind closed doors, you’ve modelled that you have enough self-control to take it out of the room.

And finally, it’s worth agreeing on some “biggies” where you present a solid united front and make a conscious effort to avoid undermining each other: an example might be deciding at what age a child can walk to school on their own. Dara Kurtz finds that communicating with her husband helps avoid issues. “We have a rule that if our kids ask one of us permission to do something and are told ‘no’, they can’t go to the other parent in hopes of getting a different answer.”

But hey, you’re a human – not a text-book-version – parent; perfectly imperfect. Embrace the role: pink water, fizzy drinks, Disney clips and all.