6 Red Flags to Look for in a Relationship

While navigating the challenges of today’s dating world, there are some crucial red flags to watch for early on. Recognizing these warning signs can save you a lot of heartache and time in the long run. Here are some of the top red flags to look for in a relationship.

1. They want to change you.

No one is going to like everything about you, and you will probably notice things in your date that you’d like to be different, too. But if early in the relationship your date tries to change how you dress, what you do, or who you spend time with, beware. People who try to change even subtle things about you at the beginning of a relationship often escalate their demands and dislikes as time goes on. They tend to make you feel like you’re never good enough as you are, no matter what you do. This can destroy a relationship long before it even begins.

2. They don’t want to talk about the past.

It’s fine to gradually get to know each other and to share experiences from your pasts as you feel more comfortable together. But if someone doesn’t want to talk about their past at all, or refuses to share anything about previous relationships, tread carefully. Usually, someone who is overly guarded about their past has something they’re trying to hide. And while not everyone is ready to share details about difficult experiences, they should be open to sharing at least some parts of their background and relationships.

3. They don’t know how to manage stress.

Everyone gets overwhelmed and stressed at times. But if the person you’re dating cannot manage even small daily stresses and frustrations, consider what will happen when they face a more difficult challenge. If someone is unpredictable and can’t be relied on when there is traffic or when a date doesn’t go as planned, how will you depend on them when someone is sick or loses a job? No one can be expected to cope perfectly with every setback, but if they don’t know how to manage any stress, it will be almost impossible to build a life with them.

4. They refuse to compromise on anything.

Some people have strong opinions about many things, and you may even appreciate that trait in a partner. But if someone refuses to compromise on anything with you, take a step back and pause. Do they always need to be right about everything? Are they open to considering your perspective even when they disagree?

Every relationship needs room for compromise, and a person who needs to be right above all else generally does not make a caring, healthy partner. Someone who is authentically confident isn’t afraid to listen to other opinions and be flexible about how things “should” be.

5. They won’t introduce you to their family or close friends.

Don’t worry if your date doesn’t introduce you to family and friends right away; they may be waiting to see if the dates become a real relationship. But if you’ve been dating for a while and you’re clearly in a relationship, they should want their friends and family to get to know you.

If someone doesn’t introduce you to any friends or family, they may not be committed, or they may be keeping something from you. Along similar lines, if you’ve introduced them to your friends and family and none approve of your partner, consider whether they’re seeing a red flag you haven’t yet noticed. Sometimes, especially early on, you may be blinded to a person’s flaws, but a friend who truly cares about you will tell you if there is cause for concern.

6. Conflicting values.

Unfortunately, this often comes up later in a relationship when it’s harder to let go of the connection you’ve already built. It’s far easier to speak early on about your values and your vision for the kind of home you would one day like to build. You don’t have to have identical visions, but your values cannot conflict. Ultimately, you are hopefully building a life with this person, and you don’t want to start down a path you can’t travel together.

Jewish wisdom tells us that love changes our lives and who we are. As Rabbi Jonathan Sacks said, “Love transforms us. It makes us beautiful in the eyes of those who love us. It makes us real.” Choose who you love wisely; it changes everything.