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Dating Advice #66 - When Will I See You Again?

May 9, 2009 | by Rosie Einhorn, L.C.S.W. and Sherry Zimmerman, J.D., M.Sc.

Two readers, same problem: They can't get someone to commit to the next date!

Dear Rosie & Sherry,

I have been dating a man for three months. He is great, except for one thing. Whenever we hang up or go our separate ways, he does not ever mention when we will see each other or talk again. I asked him twice what is the problem with saying, "I'll call you tomorrow," or "See you on Friday," but he doesn't get it.

For some reason, the more involved I am, the more this bothers me. Not being able to pleasantly contemplate anything in the immediate future is depressing. What shall I do?


Dear Marla,

It is pretty clear that your friend is not dating for marriage. If you are looking for commitment, or even for a sign that he thinks things will work out over time, he's not giving it to you. And don't expect him to change his outlook. It may take a long time (or a different person in his life) before he is ready for something more enduring than he now seems willing to go for.

We're sorry we can't give you a more encouraging response. But it's important to be clear about the reality.

Rosie & Sherry


Dear Rosie & Sherry,

I am 24 and have done serious dating, but have never been very good at it. I am a funny, single, attractive. I would think most women would just love to meet a guy like that. But I am somewhat shy. I realize this is something I need to get over, and have been much better about it recently thanks to a book called "Wherever You Go, There You Are."

I recently was on a blind date after talking to her several times on the phone. She said she was shy also, but we talked well over the phone. She said she thought I was attractive and I think she is too. She said she wants to go out again next week, but she never calls when she says she will and has a very busy life. Or so she says. How do I know I'm not being led on? How can I tell if she is not interested and just humoring me, hoping I will go away?

One time I said on the phone, "You know, if you don't want to go out that night you don't have to," and she quickly reverted to the "I'm sorry, I just like to keep busy, but I still want to go out... I hate sitting at home."

What should I think of this? I am typically pessimistic, but she seems somewhat sincere. I find her very attractive and most of the qualities I am looking for. Help!


Dear Brian,

They way we see it, there are a few possibilities here. One is that the woman you are interested in doesn't know how to say, "No," and is hoping you will lose interest after she turns you down a few times. Another (and more likely) possibility is that she hasn't made dating a priority in her life. She is so busy that she can't squeeze in everything she wants to do, including dating. The problem with someone like this is that until she's ready to make dating a priority, she's not going to be marriage material. We don't know too many men who will keep trying after being turned down time after time.

There is also the possibility that you call to ask her out too late in the week, so that she already has plans for that night. If you do ask her out again, ask a week or more in advance, and if she says she's busy, suggest an alternate day. If the two of you can't come to an agreement about when you'll get together again, take that as a sign it's time for you to move on to someone else. There are plenty of great women who would be happy to make the time for a date with you.

Your efforts to overcome your shyness are very admirable and we're sure they will continue to pay off. We wish you much success.

Rosie & Sherry

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