10 Steps to Unhappiness

A simple Google search for “how to be happy” provides you with billions of hits. But this article is just the opposite; it explains how to be unhappy, laying out the steps to ensure you live a life devoid of responsibility. It’s so much easier that way!

But I am not acting altruistically. There are many others who depend on your unhappiness – world governments, organized religion, financial corporations, to name a few. Billions of dollars are spent every year on the production of happy pills and the structuring of bureaucracies to accommodate you. Imagine the freedom and flexibility that doing away with these agencies would bring!

Without further ado, here are the 10 steps to becoming and remaining unhappy.

1. Don’t let bygones be bygones.

Make sure you ruminate over every little thing that has happened to you over the course of your life, and do not forgive anyone for any perceived wrong committed against you. This way, you’ll be certain to focus on the things you can't control instead of on those you can, which might actually make you want to improve your lot. Bearing those grudges and holding onto that resentment can be powerful ways to clinch this unhappiness. Nurture feelings of anger and bitterness towards those who have wronged you. By constantly replaying negative events in your mind, you’ll make certain that unhappiness remains a constant companion.

2. Over-analyze every statement others make.

When your significant other, your boss, or your friends say something that could be understood as insulting or negative, you’ll do well to interpret it as such. Expect the worst to happen, and assume everyone is out to get you. Don’t dare think it could have been a “simple misunderstanding.” Otherwise, you might be taking responsibility for your emotional well-being, and you certainly don't want to do that.

3. Be critical.

Always find fault with yourself and others. Don't be satisfied with anything, and don't believe in yourself or your abilities. Magnifying small inconveniences, dwelling on past failures, and fixating on criticism can create a cloud of negativity that overshadows positive experiences. Instead of seeking solutions and finding silver linings, develop a habit of pessimism and let negative thoughts consume your mind.

4. Be ungrateful.

Never appreciate the good things in your life. Take everything for granted. Be careful to note: things could always be better…

5. Be pessimistic.

Always expect the worst to happen, and don't believe that things will improve. That glass? Obviously half empty.

6. Constantly compare yourself to others, especially those who have more than you. 

This is a surefire way to feel like you're not good enough. Thank goodness for social media! It's now effortless to compare our lives with carefully curated highlights of others. Engaging in unhealthy competition and constantly seeking validation from others leaves us feeling inadequate and discontented. Ignore your own accomplishments and focus only on the achievements of others.

7. Be unhealthy.

Don't take care of your biological health. This will make you feel worse both physically and emotionally. Ignoring your body’s calls for more sleep, less alcohol, better food, and improved activity is a surefire way to destroy the pesky brightness that threatens to turn the corners of your mouth upwards.

8. Focus on the negative.

Pay attention to all the bad things in your life. Dwell on your problems and worries. Don't let yourself enjoy the good stuff. If you’re feeling sore in your neck - likely from following step seven – great! Make sure you Google your symptoms and interpret them in the worst way possible. If you’ve bought a large-ticket item, make sure you consistently scan the Internet for a better price to remind yourself of how much less you could have paid. If you took your family on a weeklong vacation to an island resort, recall only the memories of the time the airline lost your luggage, the restaurant burned your burger, and the hotel only had a queen-sized bed instead of the king-size you’d ordered.

9. Be isolated.

Avoid social interaction and don't have friends or family to support you. Refuse to engage in conversation with others even if it’ll likely bring out your flaws and shortcomings since even that might make you feel better.

10. Just be unhappy.

It’s a choice! If you can choose between smiling or following any and all of the aforementioned steps, do the latter; you’re much better off that way.

Remember, unhappiness is not a destination but a journey. If you follow these tips, you’ll be well on your way to a life free from responsibility and the happiness that goes with it.