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10 Questions to Ask Yourself after a Date

August 11, 2016 | by Aleeza Ben Shalom

Some practical guidance for clarifying your post-date thoughts and feelings.

I used to be so indecisive that I couldn’t even choose which vegetable I wanted for dinner. I would defer answering questions, or push off answering until others answered for me. I used to say it was because I didn’t care or the decision didn’t matter. “No preference” became my default. When it came time to make big decisions I was unable to decide without getting a lot of advice and support.

When it came to dating and finding the person I wanted to spend my life with, I realized I needed to make a good decision that was my decision. I needed to learn how to separate what someone else thought from what I thought. I needed to learn how to make a decision and wake up the next morning feeling that I had done the right thing.

I have developed a list of questions that help you clarify what you are thinking and feeling about the person you’re going out with. Before we get to the questions, I’d like to set a few guidelines.

First, don’t think and rehash the date until you’ve slept one night. Secondly, be totally honest with yourself. Don't just write down what you think someone else wants to hear. Just write your honest answers down, without judging them. Evaluating is a separate process from writing. So once you answer a question, forget about it and move on to the next question.

You are allowed to contradict yourself. You are allowed to feel like you are not making sense. You are in the process of thinking this through and writing what comes to mind in that moment.

Here are the 10 questions:

  1. What do you know about this person?
    1. What are the facts?
  2. What do you feel about this person?
    1. What do you like about this person?
    2. What don't you like?
    3. How are you emotionally feeling about this situation right now?
  3. What is your gut feeling? [If you are having trouble pinpointing your gut feeling, try this exercise: Say this person’s name aloud. What feelings come up? Now say, “I like______.” Now what feelings come up? Now say, “I really like _____.” Notice your feelings in all instances and try to tap into your gut feeling about this person.]
  4. What is your brain telling you?
    1. Where do you think this relationship is headed?
  5. Are you still curious to learn about this person? If yes, what do you want to learn?
  6. What feedback from others are you getting?
    1. What are other people thinking or saying to you about this person? (*this may not be applicable if you haven’t yet told anyone about this person)
    2. Are you open to hearing different points of view? If no, why?
  7. Unrelated to this person, how are you feeling?
    1. How much sleep have you gotten last night/the last 3 nights?
    2. Did you do any physical exercise today or yesterday? If yes, what and for how long?
    3. Are you sick today or have you been sick this past week?
  8. What are your stress levels like right now?
    1. Is there anything at work that is stressful for you this week?
    2. Are there any family challenges/issues/health crises you are dealing with now?
    3. What other stress or other challenges are you dealing with today/this week/this month?
  9. What are your values? Make a list of what you value in another person. Then review your values against the person you are dating. Do you have enough values in common?
  10. Has your mood shifted toward the positive since you’ve started dating, or are you struggling daily to feel good about dating this person?

If you have trouble analyzing the thoughts that these questions brought up, then seek a trusted mentor or friend who can, in an unbiased way, help you evaluate your answers. I hope the questions above will help guide you to getting in touch with yourself and balancing the opinions of others.

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