10 False Beliefs Men Have About Marriage

Most men struggle in marriage because they’re operating with faulty assumptions. Through years of coaching and teaching, Rabbi Aryeh Nivin has identified recurring beliefs that quietly undermine marriages. Here are ten of the most common false beliefs, and the truths that challenge them.

1. Myth: Life will be easier once I’m married.

Fact: Some aspects of life will be easier, but many aspects of companionship may be difficult and challenging.

Bringing two different people together forever is no easy task. Varying personalities, backgrounds, schedules and parenting styles all make marriage the wonderful yet challenging journey that it is.

Marriage is the most meaningful and joyful relationship you’ll ever have. Easy? No. Rewarding? Absolutely.

2. Myth: When my wife complains I have to fix it.

Fact: Your wife doesn’t need you to find a solution. She needs empathy and a hug.

Many men assume that when their wife is upset and talking to them, she wants them to jump into problem-solving mode. This is a false assumption.

Men may also hear emotion as accusation and respond by shutting down or becoming defensive, when what is actually needed is attentive listening without fixing. She may be processing life—not accusing you.

When a woman is venting, she is essentially saying, “I trust you enough to share these personal feelings with you.” She wants you to sit, listen, and support her while she figures things out. Listening makes her feel understood and helps her process.

3. Myth: My wife knows I love her. I don’t need to say it often.

Fact: Few beliefs are more mistaken than this one. Love and respect must be expressed frequently and in a way a wife can actually receive. For most women, that means verbal, intentional, high-quality expressions of love.

Love that remains unspoken loses its power. A husband cannot rely on what he feels alone—he must actively communicate it.

4. Myth: When a woman is in a bad mood, it’s probably because of hormones.

Fact: Reducing a woman’s emotions to biology dismisses her inner world. When a woman is in a bad mood with her husband, it’s usually because she feels unloved.

An attack might mean, “Please show me that you really care.” Assume she doesn’t feel loved and work on point #3.

5. Myth: Conflict means trouble.

Fact: All marriages experience conflict. Avoiding it is often more dangerous than engaging in respectful disagreement. A wife’s resistance frequently signals engagement, not withdrawal. Silence is not peace; it’s often suppressed resentment.

When conflict is expressed in a healthy way, it is normal and does not mean something is fundamentally wrong. On the contrary, it can become the catalyst for deeper understanding, workable solutions, and a much stronger relationship.

6. Myth: If I use logic and explain myself clearly, it should resolve any issue.

Fact: Men and women often operate according to different systems of logic.

Sometimes a couple has a fight and they don’t understand each other.

He thinks he explained it clearly. She feels unheard.

This is because men’s logic can be linear and intellectual. Women’s logic can be circular and connected to the emotional realm. To women, logic without emotional attunement feels dismissive and she may not accept his argument. Continuing to try to win her over with logic won’t because it ignores women’s emotional default. This logical dissonance can end up making her feel unloved.

7. Myth: Once my wife has expressed her position, I can assume that is her actual viewpoint.

Fact: Women often process their thoughts and feelings out loud. What she says in one moment may not be her final stance. This does not mean that women are indecisive, but rather women’s opinions can be more flexible and open ended.

Keeping this dynamic in mind will prevent confusion and frustration if and when she changes her mind.

8. Myth: Even if my tone is not respectful, it is okay since deep down I respect my wife.

Fact: Respect is not a private inner feeling. It is expressed through behavior, tone, and attentiveness. In Jewish law, a man must respect his wife even more than he loves her.

While everyone gets irritated at times, overly frustrated expression often signals a lack of respect. A man may truly care about and respect his wife, yet become irritated and express that frustration. When his wife says, “You can’t talk to me that way,” he may respond, “What are you talking about? I deeply respect you.”

But respect cannot live only in intention. Men cannot continually express frustration and claim respect at the same time. External behavior and internal feelings need to match.

Loss of self-control or expressions of anger make a wife feel fearful and withdrawn. Women experience words and tone more deeply than many men realize. Respect is the foundation of a relationship and must be expressed both internally and externally.

9. Myth: I am not responsible for my wife’s happiness.

Fact: A man is responsible for creating a home environment where his wife can feel happy, loved, and secure (assuming there isn’t any mental health issue, or serious character flaw at play).

If his wife is not happy, the husband needs to take responsibility—within reason— and address it.

10. Myth: Since I work hard, It’s okay to be too exhausted and too tired to connect.

Fact: Providing for your wife includes fulfilling her emotional needs and being emotionally available.

Although a man may be working hard to adequately provide for his wife and feel exhausted, this does not absolve him of his responsibility. He must learn the skill of compartmentalizing his work and being present and emotionally available at home, even though this is a demanding task.

While everyone has a bad day or experiences low energy from time to time, part of a husband’s job is to greet his wife and express his love physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Stay tuned for the false beliefs women have about marriage…