What Does Your Clothing Say About You?

Imagine the wardrobe you would put on if you were inter viewing for a C-suite position at a big company. Now imagine what you might wear if you were interviewing for a barista job at a local pub. Maybe a little different, right?

Now imagine you went on the interview for the C-suite job dressed like you were interviewing to be the barista. Probably not a good idea.

As frustrating as it might be, research has shown that appearances count. Some styles of dress command more authority and respect. Other kinds, less so.

Body language expert Joe Navarro says, “It’s interesting how we profess to dismiss matters of appearance, considering how obsessively we focus on looks.… Our…fixation makes sense, though, when you understand appearance as a form of nonverbal communication.”¹ In other words, how we look is a way that we communicate to other people.

So if that’s the case, what about when it comes to dating? Is there an equivalent to dressing like you’re interviewing to be the barista, when you’re really qualified to be the CEO?

Absolutely. Many of us dress like we’re interviewing to be the girlfriend. Sexy, cute, fun. Easy to hire and easy to let go.

But if we’re interviewing for the wife position, maybe we need to present ourselves differently?

Make the Outside Match the Inside

In order to find our soulmate, we have to date with our soul. We have to start thinking about what message we’re sending with the way that we dress and behave. What do you want to highlight? Your character traits, your personality, your brain, your soul? Or the abs that you worked out at the gym and your other physical assets?

What do you want to highlight? Your character traits, your personality, your brain, your soul? Or the abs that you worked out at the gym and your other physical assets?

Are you communicating that you’re desperate for a guy’s attention? That you have a great body to offer? That you’re interested only in a fling? Or do you want to send the message that there is so much more to you than meets the eye – you’re going to have to look deeper if you want to get to know me.

You want your vibe to be I’m not desperate for guys’ attention; I’m cool and confident because I know I’m going to find the one special guy for me, who’s going to value me for my inner self.

I sometimes bring a stylist into my dating classes to give advice to people about putting themselves together. She calls it “image integrity.” Image integrity, which is connected to the Jewish concept of modesty, tzniut in Hebrew, basically means that your outside presentation should match your internal message.

This applies in every context. It’s especially easy to visualize when you think of going to a job interview or going into politics. You wouldn’t show up for an interview for an office job wearing a micro-mini and a tank top because it would be the sending the wrong message. And you wouldn’t show up for a presidential debate wearing a bikini. Everyone knows that these ways of dressing make people focus on your body and not on your essence.

But why is it that when we date, suddenly we’re all about showing off our sexuality instead of our soul? When we date for marriage, it should be kind of the same as when we’re looking for a job. Put-together, classy, pretty, dignified, expressing who you are inside, and not overly sexy.

A Tasteful Frame for a Fabulous Picture

Imagine a really beautiful, expensive Monet painting. But now I put it into a huge frame with a twelve-inch molding of bling and glitter and sequins. Are you going to notice the beautiful painting of water lilies in the middle of the wall? Or are you going to notice the flashy, distracting frame? 2

Dressing in a super-attention-seeking way distracts people so they notice what we look like, but they don’t notice who we are.

That’s what dressing in a super-attention-seeking way does to us. It distracts people so they notice what we look like, but they don’t notice who we are. This is not what we want.

We want to be presenting ourselves on dates in a way that highlights our inner qualities.

This did not come naturally to me at all. When I first started becoming more connected to Judaism, my friend and I were going to synagogue, and I didn’t have even one item of clothing in my entire closet that was okay according to Jewish law! Everything was like…teensy. This was a slow process for me. I’m so not judging anyone.

You don’t have to be a religious Jew to realize that image integrity makes sense. Look up advice on how to dress for the holiday office party and you’ll find that displaying a lot of skin is a professional faux-pas. “Remember the purpose of the event,” says Business Connect Magazine. 3 This advice translates very well into dating. Low-cut, tight, sheer, and otherwise revealing clothing puts all the focus on your body and not on your essence as a human being. Just as overly revealing clothing may interfere with the goal of business networking at the office party, it can also interfere with your goal of determining compatibility for marriage on a date.

Achieve Image Integrity

At some point in my Jewish journey, I was asking myself, Why am I always meeting these players? Why can’t I meet a nice, marriage-minded guy? And then I realized that the message I was sending – not just with how I dressed, but how I spoke, how I walked, my whole vibe – was not oriented toward attracting a guy who was serious about marriage.

My soul was crying out, I just want to get married to a nice guy, but then everything else was sending the opposite message. It was no wonder the guys were confused. Guys who were marriage-minded were thinking, “Oh, she doesn’t look like she’s serious, marriage-minded material.” And guys who were not interested in marriage were thinking, “Oh, she looks like she’s interested in a good time.” I really wanted something serious, but my whole messaging was not in congruence with how I felt.

Moving toward Modesty

When we overemphasize the physical part of ourselves, when we’re advertising our sexuality – both by the way we dress and the way we behave – it’s harder for a man to focus on our inner self. So no matter how you dress the rest of the time, try to be a little bit more covered on your dates. Try not to wear things that are super tight and advertising everything. Just err on the side of keeping things a little more conservative.

Your body is the picture frame, and your soul is the beautiful Monet painting.

This goes back to the picture frame. Our body is the picture frame, and our soul is the beautiful Monet painting. You want the guys you’re dating – and especially the guy you marry – to focus on your soul, on who you are. You don’t want him getting so distracted by the flashy outside that he can’t see what’s inside the frame.

Still Be Put Together

On the other hand, I can’t put the picture up on a wall without a frame. And if this is really a Monet, I can’t put a dinky little plastic frame around it. That doesn’t go together.

A framing expert would tell you that a picture frame is meant to highlight the painting and draw your eye into it, not distract from the painting itself. Similarly, how you present yourself on the outside should still be pretty and put together. It should be dignified and classy and complement the picture.

There are women who have a hard time with presenting a good first impression. Some women even think it’s not important at all and don’t want to be bothered about how they look. They say, “He should just like me for who I am regardless.” But just as we don’t want to take away from what’s inside by putting too much attention on the outside, we also don’t want to take away from what’s inside by using an unattractive frame.

So think of yourself as going on an interview for a serious position: wife! And use your clothing, body language, and behavior to let guys know that you are marriage-minded and looking for a guy who is ready to honor and cherish you.

For speaking engagements & more info: www.devorahkigel.com

Excerpt from Marry a Mensch: Timeless Jewish Wisdom for Today’s Single Woman, Gefen Publishing. Click here to order.

1. Joe Navarro, Louder Than Words: Take Your Career from Average to Exceptional with the Hidden Power of Nonverbal Intelligence (New York: HarperCollins, 2010), 7.
2. From Sarah Pachter
3. “Attending a Corporate Event? Check Out the Dress Codes, Do’s & Don’ts, and What to Wear,” Business Connect Magazine, March 13, 2023, dress-codes/.