No Jews Allowed—Again
5 min read
Shame in divorce can feel crushing—but it doesn’t define you. By reclaiming self-compassion and remembering your divine worth, pain transforms into renewal and strength.
The man on the phone was pleading with me for something that doesn’t exist—a magical wand to fix his marriage. His wife told him she was seeking a divorce and was firm about it, having already spoken to a lawyer and preparing to serve him divorce papers. With three young children, the man was distraught over his family’s breakup. As a rabbi, he was mortified by what he imagined his community would think.
People who strongly identify with a role may feel unanchored when that role is taken away, removing their sense of purpose and validation of their life choices. This is especially true in cases of divorce, which can trigger a deep internal struggle and shame related to a perceived drop in social status or the loss of the image they have worked hard to build.
Shame hits us the hardest because it shapes how we see ourselves.
Furthermore, within the Jewish community, divorce can carry extra weight because traditional Jewish values consider marital commitment a sacred bond. As the late Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski, a well-known expert on psychological resilience, explained, “Divorce, while often necessary, can be seen as a cosmic failure in the eyes of society. This can leave scars much deeper than the end of a union; it can erode one's sense of identity and belonging within the community.”
Divorce can evoke a deep sense of shame because it often challenges societal expectations and personal beliefs about commitment and family. Among all the negative feelings we might experience, shame hits us the hardest because it shapes how we see ourselves. It can make us feel like we're simply not enough—whether it's about being good enough, successful enough, or lovable enough. This feeling can stem from many sources. Sometimes, we put pressure on ourselves by setting high standards or engaging in self-criticism. Other times, society, family, friends, or cultural norms set expectations that lead us to feel this way.
We might chase after excessive achievements, approval, or validation to prove our worth and push back against these negative emotions. However, this constant striving can sometimes backfire, making our sense of inadequacy worse instead of better, highlighting the complexity and deep-rooted nature of shame in our emotional lives.
It’s possible to break down the walls of shame that have been built around us and recognize deeply within ourselves that our worth is not determined by our marital status, how much money we make, or how society judges us. During the most challenging times, it becomes even more important to remember the fundamental truth of who we really are.
Our worth is not determined by our marital status, how much money we make, or how society judges us.
The Torah begins with a powerful story: the creation of humanity, explicitly made in God's image. This act of giving life goes beyond simply creating us; it emphasizes the special value, potential, and core we possess. Being made in God's image reminds us of our unique importance in the grand scheme of life. Moreover, this profound truth is not just a “nice” fact about who we are; it reflects God's kindness that He specifically wants us to understand and internalize the truth of our Divine origin.
When faced with societal or internal judgments about perceived failure, it’s easy to lose sight of our true essence. Every person is a vessel of limitless potential, endowed with unique strengths and qualities that make us special. Instead of letting shame distort our self-esteem, we can choose compassion and kindness toward ourselves.
This involves forgiving ourselves for perceived failures, embracing our imperfections, and understanding wholeheartedly that our worth is innate and intrinsic—never dependent on external circumstances or the opinions of others.
When we let go of our fear of judgment and stop engaging in negative self-talk, we create space for healing and growth. Instead of focusing on pain and wounds, we can care for ourselves, practice self-love, and look forward to a brighter future. Just as the divine act of creation represents new beginnings and endless possibilities, we also have the power to recreate ourselves—becoming stronger and more aligned with our true selves.
Viktor Frankl, even while enduring the hell of Auschwitz, formulated a profound and introspective question: “Who am I - in the presence of this?' This fundamental inquiry reflects not only the depth of suffering, but it also opens the door to understanding and making choices. It encourages us to reflect on how we see ourselves when facing tough challenges and reminds us that - even in our hardest times - our sense of who we are and what we stand for can give us strength and help us see things more clearly.
“Who am I now? And who do I want to be in the next chapter of my life?” are questions anyone faces at a tough crossroads.
Ultimately, the journey through divorce, while painful, is also laden with opportunities for renewal and self-discovery. By embracing the truth of our essence as beings created in the Divine’s image, we can recalibrate our self-perception and find peace within ourselves.
As we navigate this transformative journey, we get the chance to recognize our innate potential, reclaim our self-compassion that may have been lost or diminished, and invite genuine connection back into our lives. This change allows us not only to endure our circumstances but also to truly flourish within our new reality, highlighting the wide possibilities that emerge when we remember and reconnect with the unique, divine essence that defines us.
