Iran’s Attack on Israel
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Reframing the picture of our lives, not as victims of the past, but as the arbiters of our future.
After IDF troops mistakenly identified them as a threat, three hostages, Yotam Haim, Alon Shamriz and Samar Talalka, were shot and killed. They had escaped Hamas terrorists and were waving white flags, but instead a videoed reunion with their families set to music, with hugs, kisses and gratitude, these three of our hostages missing since October 7th will not come home.
The circumstances of the incident are still under investigation and none of us can imagine the decision-making in real time, the threats of urban warfare, and the immeasurable challenges of fighting terrorists with zero scruples. The pain of the families is enormous and the pain and guilt of those who made the mistake is also beyond and one would have seen them as contradictory or incompatible with one another.
But last week, Iris Haim, the mother of Yotam Haim, recorded a message to those soldiers:
I am Yotam’s mother. I wanted to tell you that I love you very much, and I hug you here from afar. I know that everything that happened is absolutely not your fault, and nobody’s fault except that of Hamas, may their name be wiped out and their memory erased from the earth. I want you to look after yourselves and to think all the time that you are doing the best thing in the world, the best thing that could happen, that could help us. Because all the people of Israel and all of us need you healthy. And don’t hesitate for a second if you see a terrorist. Don’t think that you killed a hostage deliberately.
You have to look after yourselves because only that way can you look after us. At the first opportunity, you are invited to come to us, whoever wants to. And we want to see you with our own eyes and hug you and tell you that what you did — however hard it is to say this, and sad — it was apparently the right thing in that moment. And nobody’s going to judge you or be angry. Not me, and not my husband Raviv. Not my daughter Noya. And not Yotam, may his memory be blessed. And not Tuval, Yotam’s brother. We love you very much. And that is all.
The soldiers sent her back a voice note, “We received your message, and since then we have been able to function again. Before that, we had shut down.” She sent back, “Amazing, that is what I wanted.” The next day, the opportunity came and the soldier from the battalion that had made the mistake visited Iris. She continued to repeat the same message: don’t be distressed or reproach yourselves, this was God’s plan.
How did Iris find this superhuman strength and perspective?
A similar example is found in the end of the Book of Genesis. Josef was marginalized, dismissed, ultimately sold into slavery, thrown into jail for a crime he never committed, waited 22 years to see his dreams realized. He struggled, he suffered, he navigated an unfair world all alone, and yet, at the end of it all, when he reveals himself to his brothers, rather than bitterness, resentment, or revenge, he urges his brothers to join him in seeing that everything that happened was part of God’s plan.
He doesn’t hold his brothers accountable; he doesn’t seek to make them pay, he isn’t even lukewarm or cold to them. After all that happened, Josef comforts his brothers, telling them “don’t be sad or distressed, don’t blame yourselves, this was orchestrated from Above, from God.” He used you to send me here for the good of our greater family, our nation.
How did Josef find this human strength?
Josef made a choice. He could focus on their actions, remain deeply injured and wounded, see himself as a complete victim, or he could zoom out the lens, see a bigger, more complete picture, choose what to do now and be the arbiter of his destiny. He chooses the latter by employing something cognitive therapy calls reframing. Reframing means that just like we can have a painting or picture and when we change the frame, it looks different, we see it differently even though the picture remains the same, so too in life, events and experiences can happen but we choose what frame to put around them and with that reframing, how we see them and how they make us feel.
Rabbi Lord Sacks points out that while Josef may have been the first to employ the reframing technique, it is what has enabled and empowered us to navigate nearly impossible circumstances since then. He writes:
Viktor Frankl showed there is another way – and he did so under some of the worst conditions ever endured by human beings: in Auschwitz. As a prisoner there Frankl discovered that the Nazis took away almost everything that made people human: their possessions, their clothes, their hair, their very names. Before being sent to Auschwitz, Frankl had been a therapist specializing in curing people who had suicidal tendencies. In the camp, he devoted himself as far as he could to giving his fellow prisoners the will to live, knowing that if they lost it, they would soon die… Frankl writes that he was able to survive Auschwitz by daily seeing himself as if he were in a university, giving a lecture on the psychology of the concentration camp. Everything that was happening to him was transformed, by this one act of the mind, into a series of illustrations of the points he was making in the lecture.
If we change the way we think, we will change the way we feel and if we change how we feel, we will transform how we behave. Our actions are all rooted in our mindset.
Josef had made the choice to no longer see himself as a man wronged by his brothers. Instead, his life was framed by a mission from God. Reframing allowed him to live and function without anger, without outrage or a thirst for revenge. It enabled him to forgive his brothers. As Rabbi Sacks says, the frame transformed negative feelings about the past into a focused mission about the future.
Iris Haim’s voice note, sent while sitting shiva for the son she will never see again, telling the soldiers not to blame themselves, is truly extraordinary.
If Iris can reframe the accidental killing of her son, what can we reframe in our lives? How can we choose to interpret something or the behavior of someone differently? How can we see the picture of our lives, not as victims of the past, but the arbiters of our future?
Sad! About half of the IDF haven’t been trained in urban warfare. This is what happens when you send in untrained reservists.
Iris Haim has given such meaning to her Son's death..
I will never forget Yotam Haim in large part because of the loving response of his Mother.
Iris reminded me that the very young people who are fighting this terrible battle belong to all of us and that ANY of us or our children could find themselves on either side of this situation.
We must remember WHY they are there.. Hamas is the evil here, never our soldiers.
This family’s choice is an important personal decision. However, it remains important at a national level to fully investigate the soldiers’ actions. I am not saying that they acted wrongly, but the only way to prevent future tragedies is to understand how this one occurred. Shalom.
Rachel - Yes - their decision is appreciated. In some cases an investigation - is warranted. In a case like this - as I said/implied - given the intensity and immense anxiety - of where they were in the HAMAS CONTROLLED tunnel system - of and the need to MAKE INSTANT DECISIONS - OR MAYBE YOU - OR YOU BUDDIES COULD BE KILLED - BECAUSE YOU HESITATED. It's not too likely an in-depth investigation is needed. Historically - in all wars - in the intense heat of the battle - making correct instant decisions - in hind sight - might be found wrong. For those who've never experienced having to make decisions that IMPORTANT - and INSTANTLY. It's easy to find fault with those who've had to make those decisions.
Cont. below.
It's easy to find fault with those who've had to make those decisions. And this doesn't only apply - to war. First responders - police etc., - they also face it all the time. Yes - some training - on how to manage intense situations - MAY HELP. BUT - when the CRITICAL MOMENT OCCURS - What you see - hear and EVALUATE - IS INSTANT - and not the time - to make a MISTAKE THAT MAY COST YOU or BUDDIES/FRIENDS/OTHERS - their LIVES. CHOOSING - the RIGHT DECISION - YOUR A HERO! Those who think you CHOSE THE WRONG DECISION - YOUR a CRIMINAL! UNFORTUNATELY - YES - sometimes innocents get killed in that critical moment. COMMANDERS KNOW - It's always been - part and parcel of a war.
Thank you for this wonderful article—am sharing it with others.
As a former Military member - for 21 1/2 years. Also as a former case manager counselor - I know how the situation the IDF soldiers were in. As has been reported - the enemy like Hamas and others - uses every kind of trick they can - including waving white flags - using children etc., - to draw in the soldiers they want to KILL. Which causes our military - to proceed with extra caution. HOWEVER - when engaged in an operation - In the heat of the MOMENT - DECISIONS HAVE TO BE MADE. Unfortunately - the innocent can be killed by friendly fire.
The guilt - for being responsible for having done that - is almost always ENDLESS. Many commit suicide later. Loving responses from the victims family - often prevent continuing long term hurt. it doesn't stop - the hurt - but it reduces it.
When I first heard of this tragic event, I was grieved and wondered how the victims family would respond and how the soldiers who pulled the trigger are coping. I believe my soul groaned a prayer that words could not express. The term reframing is new to me but I am familiar with the concept. Thank you for the inspiring article. Thank you Iris Haim for your faithfulness and empathy.
The analogy falls short: Joseph's brothers really did an awful thing by selling him as a slave, even though Joseph and Yaacov contributed to the hatred shared by the brothers.
In the case of the soldiers who shot the three Jewish hostages, there was absolutely no ill intentions. The soldier who fired was certain that the targets were Hamas terrorists. In war as in military practice there are always accidents. Each soldier who dies from friendly fire is doubly tragic, but the solace must derive from the assumption that it is the result of a Divine plan. Yotam's mother is a wise and righteous woman. By reaching out to the miserable soldier who pulled the trigger under false assumptions, she both gave comfort to the soldier and inspired unity.