Miscarriage and Blessings.
I was in emotional pain but I knew that God doesn't send me something that I can't handle.
I was pregnant and going for my first ultrasound. This wasn't my first baby so I knew what to expect. I was excited to get my first glimpse of the precious little one inside me. I knew it would still be quite small and I wouldn't see much, but at least a heartbeat would be clear at this point. I was looking forward to seeing that my pregnancy was a reality.
The technician was friendly and made some small talk before beginning. After a few minutes of looking at the screen, she told me that she couldn't see much, which I had expected, and that there were two sacs. It was twins! I was excited and nervous at the same time. My other kids were still pretty young. How would I manage? But I knew that God doesn't send you something that you can't handle so it would be okay.
As she was finishing up I realized something. What about the heartbeats? She said that maybe I was earlier along than I thought and therefore it couldn't be seen or heard yet. I took comfort in that idea and figured I'd have to wait a little longer.
But as I left I thought more about it. No, I couldn't be that off. There should be visible heartbeats. My babies were not okay. I was sure yet I was very much in denial. I wanted my twins. I would be thrilled to take on all the challenges of two newborns at once. Please God, don't let it be true.
But it was. By that evening I got a call from my doctor who had received the ultrasound results. She gently explained to me that the technician didn't exactly "not see much". The technician had seen nothing. The sacs were empty.
I had prepared myself for this news so I was able to listen and accept it fairly easily. I was sad and emotionally in pain but I knew that God doesn't send you something that you can't handle. I told myself, I can get through this.
This was not my first miscarriage but every time it's hard. And I am realizing that every miscarriage is still a blessing. Some people have a very hard time getting pregnant. Every single time I become pregnant is a miracle, regardless of how it ends. Every moment of pregnancy is a gift from God that reminds me that He's here, that reminds me that I've been blessed with the ability to become pregnant. This time He chose to remind me that sometimes it doesn't work out. Sometimes it's not time for another baby.
After my last miscarriage, I started to view the prayer of Elokai Neshama, the prayer said each morning thanking God for giving us back our soul, very differently.
My God, the soul which You have placed within me is pure –
You gave me a precious soul to carry inside me and I am so thankful for this blessing.
You have created it, You have formed it, You have breathed it into me, You watch over it within me –
You are the One who formed and created this neshama, this soul, and put it inside me, and watched over it the whole time it was in me. Every single moment was a gift.
You will take it from me –
You chose to take it from me. I may not understand why and it may be painful but that's what You decided.
And You will return it to me in the future –
But I have hope that you'll return a soul to me in the future. Please God, allow me to be blessed to carry a child once again.
The whole time that the soul is within me, I offer thanks to You, my God, and the God of my fathers –
Each moment is precious, regardless of the outcome and I am extremely grateful.
Master of all creations, Ruler of all souls –
You are the One who controls everything and you have the power over all souls. This was Your will and I accept that it must be for the best.
Blessed are You, God –
You are the One who gives us all the blessings in our life. Yes, even this was a blessing.
Who restores souls to the dead –
I have hope that You will return a soul to the place where one did not survive. Everything is in Your hands and I pray that You will do this for me.
Having my own soul returned to me each day is in itself a tremendous blessing and something to be extremely thankful for. Being blessed to have another soul inside of me is truly an amazing miracle and each moment should be appreciated. But other than being a prayer of gratitude, I also view it as one of hope. I know that God has the power to give another precious soul to me.
Hope is powerful. It helps me move forward. I won't be able to hold my twins. I will never raise them or see their smiles. But I know that their souls will be looking down on me from their place with God and they'll all be smiling as I pick myself up, thank Him for the miracle, and say gam zu l'tova – this too is for the good. Because God sent this to me so I can handle it.