GOOD MORNING! A few weeks ago a friend of mine was telling me, with no small measure of exasperation, about a conversation that had transpired around the table the previous Shabbat.

His cousin, who had just managed to scrape together every penny he could find to buy a house here in South Florida, was discussing the hardships of trying to buy a home in a challenging environment; the red hot real estate market, ever increasing inflation, and rising interest rates. Not being wealthy, he was thankful that he was able to put the funds together to finally buy a home.

Eventually, the conversation at the table turned to: “What would you do if you won a hundred million dollars in the lottery?

His cousin began by saying that he would give his business partner 10 million dollars so that he wouldn’t feel left behind, and then proceeded to list the charitable endeavors that he would initiate. My friend’s wife responded that she would take the money and buy a jet to travel anytime and anywhere, and hire a permanent private chef to handle all their meals at home.

My friend, who is a very successful businessman, was both dismayed and a little shocked by his wife’s statement. After all, by any measure they were already living a pretty lavish lifestyle – a very expensive home, luxury cars, exotic vacations, and generally spending freely on themselves. My friend could not understand how his wife had such a shallow value system. Of course, this led to a protracted argument and his decision to share with me what had happened and ask me for advice.

I explained to him that someone who always wants “more” isn’t happy with or appreciative of what they have already. Even worse, the reason for this is because they feel that whatever they have is “owed” to them. For example, if parents decide to give their child a car the appropriate reaction should be, “Wow, this is amazing! Thank you so much!” However, if the child’s reaction is, “Ugh, I’m going to be so embarrassed driving this 'old lady' car; why couldn’t you have gotten me something cooler? Adam’s parents got him a brand new convertible.” The child is rejecting his parents’ generosity and his own good fortune in favor of resentment, entitlement, and misery.

This attitude leads to a perpetual state of unhappiness because when a person believes that he is always owed more, nothing will ever be enough. Such dissatisfaction in one’s life can develop into bitterness, depression, or loneliness (as the person is miserable to be around).

I explained to my friend that, while he may not be able to change his wife’s outlook, his responsibility was to make sure that his kids didn’t adopt the same attitude of being owed a lavish lifestyle. He needs to teach his children that whatever they receive is a gift and something for which they should be appreciative.

I suggested that if he wanted to raise happy children who would develop into well-adjusted adults, then they must learn that the world doesn’t revolve around them. One of the hardest personalities with which to have a personal relationship is a narcissist. Everything is always about them, and it renders them almost incapable of selfless giving – which is the bedrock of healthy relationships.

Then, I told him about a former student of mine who had become fabulously wealthy through real estate investments. He makes sure that his kids stay “simple” and without expectations. He does this by example and always flies coach, takes modest vacations, and spends much of his time, energy, and resources building the local community schools and synagogues. He doesn’t buy himself (or his children) designer clothes or the absolute latest technological gadget.

In this way, he exhibits that the wealth with which he was blessed is a gift to be shared with others – and not solely to be used in an endless pursuit of physical pleasures or to display one’s success to the world. Unsurprisingly, his children appreciate what they have, are well adjusted, modest, and happy – without a hint of egocentricity.

Of course, this week’s Torah portion gives us an important lesson in this area. This week’s portion is called Kedoshim, which has the Hebrew root word kadosh – usually translated as “holy.” It begins:

And God spoke to Moses saying: Speak to all the congregation of Israel, and say to them, become holy; for I Hashem your God, am holy. Everyone should revere their mother and father, and you should keep my Sabbaths, I am Hashem your God (Leviticus 19:1-3).

This week's portion begins with the Almighty exhorting the Jewish people to become “kadosh” for He is “kadosh.” As stated, the word kadosh is commonly translated as “holy.” In English, the meaning of the word holy is generally understood as being “connected to God or religion.” In other words, we generally measure holiness vis-à-vis a person’s relationship with God.

But a simple review of the verse (become holy; for I Hashem your God, am holy) shows that we cannot understand the word kadosh to mean “holy.” After all, the Almighty cannot be “connected” to Himself. Perhaps even more telling, the Torah often refers to a prostitute as a kadesha (see Genesis 38:21). Obviously the Torah is not extolling her “holiness.”

So we are left with some fairly serious questions: What is the meaning of kadosh? What exactly is the obligation to become kadosh and how does one strive to achieve it? In addition, everything in the Torah is carefully juxtaposed, so how is the next verse, which commands reverence for one’s parents, connected to this idea of being kadosh?

The word kadosh actually means to set aside or separate. For example, in a Jewish marriage ceremony the man indicates his intention to marry his wife by saying that she will be “mekudeshes” to him. This means that she is separated and designated for him alone, to be his wife. By contrast, a prostitute has also separated and designated herself; to a life of licentiousness.

So what exactly does it mean that God is described as kadosh? This is a very deep concept and perhaps it is easier to understand what it really means as it relates to something we, as humans, must strive to achieve.

A baby is born very self-centered; everything is about satisfying his own needs and desires. This is only natural as a baby only senses himself. As a child matures, hopefully, he begins to recognize the outside world and his place within a broader perspective. This process of becoming less and less self-centered is the process of removing oneself from egocentricity.

In other words, by commanding the Jewish people to be kadosh, the Almighty is asking us to separate ourselves from our self-centered desires and to focus outwardly. The perfect example of such a separation is God Himself.

The Almighty is perfect with no intrinsic needs. His actions in creating the world had nothing to do with any perceived needs of His own; rather it is all a function of His wish to bestow the ultimate good on humanity. When it comes to God, there are no self-serving actions, only actions directed for others. Therefore, God is kadosh because His actions are “separate” from Himself.

We are likewise commanded to become kadosh like Him. Rashi (ad loc) explains that this means separating from forbidden intimate relationships. As we discussed last week, this is why this Torah portion immediately follows the list of forbidden relationships. A person’s strongest desire is in this area because it is so self-serving. Exercising self-control in such cases is one of the keys to separating ourselves from egocentricity.

This also explains why the Torah immediately follows the exhortation of being kadosh with the commandment for reverence to our parents.

Many, if not most, children view their mother as their chef, chauffeur, butler, maid, and personal shopper, while their father is the ATM machine that makes it all possible. That is to say, their world revolves around an “it’s all about me” attitude. Some parents are even foolish enough to perpetuate this fantasy – indulging their children in every possible pleasure or desire. This is very dangerous to our children’s emotional wellbeing and to their future capability of maintaining healthy relationships.

The most important lesson that we must teach our children is that we do everything for them out of love – not because the world revolves around them. The antidote to a child’s egocentrism is to have great reverence for one’s parents. We owe our parents for everything they do for us, because nothing is “owed” to us. We have to break the sense of self and learn to focus outwardly, just like the Almighty – and in this way we can begin to become kadosh like Him.

Kedoshim, Leviticus 19:1 - 20:27

This is the portion that invokes the Jewish people to be holy! It then proceeds with the spiritual directions on how to achieve holiness, closeness to the Almighty. Within it lie the secrets and the prescription for Jewish continuity. If any group of people is to survive as an entity, it must have common values and goals—a direction and a meaning. By analyzing this portion we can learn much about our personal and national destiny. It is truly a “must read!”

Some of the mitzvot (commandments): Revere your parents, observe Shabbat, no idol worship, give gifts to the poor, deal honestly, love your fellow Jew, refrain from immoral sexual relationships, honor old people, love the proselyte, don't engage in sorcery or superstition, do not pervert justice, observe the laws of kosher, and more. The portion ends, “You shall observe all My decrees and ordinances […] you shall be holy […] I have separated you from the peoples to be Mine.”