An Open Letter to University Presidents
14 min read
Unknowingly enabling her husband, a wife finds the courage to stand up and say no.
It was 11 p.m on what seemed to have become a standard weeknight for Sandra. She stared blankly at the enormous and complex science books laying in front of her, praying that her broken English would suffice to help her pass her exam the next day. She couldn’t help but keep re-playing her whole life in her head, wondering how she and her four children ended up in living in the apartment of her soon-to-be ex-in-laws. Feelings of self-doubt, fear and anger overwhelmed her, leading her to think that she should just give up and leave the country.
Sandra and Gabe had met in high school when they were 14 years old. Gabe was a passionate romantic and knew he wanted to marry Sandra the moment he laid eyes on her. Although initially uninterested, she grew to admire his persistence, and after three years of being pursued, decided to give him a chance. “Finally, I started to find it endearing and appreciated it. I thought, Wow, if he is this persistent when it comes to what he wants, he will go far in life.”
Gabe had so much passion for life and people, and Sandra admired him in so many ways. She described their love as magical and at 21, they were married. “I thought no one could love a person as much as I loved him. I admired him and was convinced that he would do great things in life. I couldn’t wait to see his potential grow, and was so excited to go through life together.”
Others cautioned her that marriage requires hard work, but she thought: “What do they mean? What could possibly go wrong?”
Turns out, everything.
Shortly after the wedding, Sandra and Gabe decided to embark on a romantic honeymoon in the Bahamas. Immediately after their arrival, Gabe asked Sandra to join him at the local casinos for some ‘fun’. Sandra found it boring and had little interest in gambling, but Gabe seemed to have a passion for the game and could play cards for hours on end. “It was as if he’d forget that I was there. There were no cell phones at the time, so I would just wait for him, bored for hours.” She did not think he had a problem, but rather assumed that his ‘passionate’ personality translated into a love for the game. “I told him that I didn’t want to go anymore and that he should go alone”.
After they returned home, Gabe continued frequenting casinos often while Sandra naively continued to assume it was an innocent pastime.
Within a short period of time, Gabe was gambling three times a week, staying out until 6 AM.
“I didn’t realize he had a problem when we were dating because he lived at home and his parents were very strict. They would never allow him to attend a casino. But once he had the freedom to go out at night, he was unleashed. The reality quickly became clear.”
Within a short period of time, Gabe was gambling three times a week, staying out until 6 AM and sleep during the day. This behavior continued as their children were born, and when Sandra would get up to attend their newborn, he would still be out. “I thought it was normal for me to do everything myself, and I never complained. I was young and naïve, and he was the only relationship I had ever been in so did not know any better.”
Meanwhile, Gabe still managed to own a successful advertising firm with his brother and best friend as his partners. Because of their relationship, they turned a blind eye to his addiction and covered for him, enabling him to slack off.
“With his thriving business, we should have had a comfortable life, but somehow, we were always struggling, and I didn’t know why. That’s when the lies began.”
Sandra inadvertently started to enable his addiction even further, covering for him when his parents would call from America in the late evenings.
“Oh, he went to play tennis,” she would reply.
“I found out later they actually knew he had a problem, but they didn’t want to admit it. They didn’t want to know.”
Despite their successful business, Gabe and his partners often disagreed. He was an out-of-the-box thinker and they did not always want to support his risky ideas. He developed a strong desire to relocate to America, with the assumption that he would have the freedom to do whatever he wanted in his business endeavors while also reuniting with his parents who had been living there for the last decades.
“We came to America and Gabe opened the same business which started out amazingly. Almost immediately, he closed a million-dollar contract with a huge corporation. We had a beautiful apartment in Brentwood, and it seemed we were living the American dream.” Simultaneously however, his gambling addiction continued to worsen and his lies started to get bigger.
Their 12-year-old daughter, Anna, noticed her father was returning home in the mornings and asked him, “Daddy, when you are out at night, are you with other women?”
Shocked, he reassured her, “No! I would never do anything like that to your mother. She is the only woman in my life. I am either working or with friends.”
The children could feel that something was going on. Although Sandra never lied to them, she avoided the subject and pretended to be happy. She did not want her children to worry about her or their father, and believed that the bad behavior would eventually stop.
Soon enough, her husband was not just leaving at night anymore, but for days at a time. “He would say, ‘I'm going to New York for three days,’ or ‘I need to go to Boston for work.’”
Sandra had a feeling that he was always going to Las Vegas but she didn’t want to face reality.
Sandra had a feeling that he was always going to Las Vegas but refused to face reality. Every time he’d leave, he would leave another piece of the man she married behind, and when he’d come home, the atmosphere felt heavy. She started to fantasize about leaving him, but with no parents or financial freedom, she wondered where she would go and how she and the kids would survive.
Gabe observed the Sabbath very seriously and would be home every weekend with his family. Every Shabbat as a family left Sandra with hope that things could be normal again. “I got glimpses of the old him, the real him. I wanted to believe that he was still there somewhere.” But the addiction often turned Gabe into someone else, and at times led him to emotionally abuse Sandra out of fear that she would leave him. He would tell her, “You are incapable. You can’t do anything by yourself.”
It became evident to Sarah that the man she fell in love with was gone, and that her denials and coverings would not help him come back. His grand gestures and promises no longer had the power to cover the harsh reality, and she knew it was a matter of time until her marriage would end.
Gabe finally admitted that he had a problem and expressed his genuine desire to stop, realizing that his addiction was destroying the people he loved the most.
“He promised to finally stop gambling. He even went to therapy. He had stopped for a while, and I was hopeful. Then he approached me with, ‘Let’s go to Vegas together!’
“Shocked, I asked, ‘Why would you want to go to Vegas if you have stopped gambling?’
“He answered, ‘Because I want to show you that I’m cured. I want you to see that I can be right next to a casino, and not gamble. We will enjoy the shows together and have fun.’” Sandra could see that Gabe was desperate to prove to her that his hard work was paying off.
Once there, they were walking on the strip when Gabe suddenly felt unwell. He held his stomach and said, “I need to walk it off. You go back to the room. I’ll be up soon.”
Sandra went back to the room and Gabe never returned.
“He disappeared for several days. I thought he was in the hospital and called every hospital in Las Vegas. Everyone said, ‘No, ma’am, there is no one registered here with that name.’
“We were there for three days and I didn’t see him at all. I felt duped. I really believed that he wouldn’t gamble and knew he believed it too. I hung on to a hope that was just a vanishing mirage all along.”
Soon after, Gabe lost his business and work permit. He had never applied for a green card because it was costly, and he had spent all their life savings in gambling. They were out of options and would have to leave the country. The older children could stay by obtaining student visas, but Sandra, Gabe and their baby would have to leave.
For the first time in my life, I told him no. He was losing his mind.
Sandra shared, “We had nowhere to go and no money, and had just moved in with my in-laws when Gabe suggested, ‘Let’s go to Israel. The older kids can stay here if they want and we can take the baby. We’ll figure something out when we’re there.’
“It took all of my willpower, but for the first time in my life, I had to say no. He was losing his mind, it was frightening. I said to him: ‘I’m not leaving my kids. If I leave my kids, I will die.’”
Gabe couldn’t comprehend that his wife was refusing to follow him. Sandra had never stood up against him before, but the trust had been broken to an irreparable degree. It was time for a change, and she knew that that change would have to come from her.
Unable to stay in the US legally, Gabe made the difficult decision to move to Israel and soon after, they officially divorced.
Sandra felt lost and out of options, and had to go back to France, where she could at least navigate the system.
Two days before she was scheduled to fly, an acquaintance approached her on the street.
“Sandra, you don’t have to leave the country. You can stay as a student too. Go to Santa Monica College and get a nursing degree. Then you and your kids can stay.”
Sandra rushed to SMC’s international office and explained her situation. The office clerk gave her papers to fill out and then placed her file on the top of the pile. “Look how many applications there are,” the clerk said. “I’m putting yours on the top.”
With the help of this angel, Sandra was able to secure a five-year student visa. She was euphoric but could have never imagined how hard the next few years would be.
Sandra began college right away. “The prerequisites were two years, and nursing school was an additional three. My in-laws invited us to stay and live with them. They had a two-bedroom apartment, so I shared one room with all my children. My English was very basic. I could speak, but I couldn’t read or write.
“My children would sit with me for hours and help me type up my homework”.
The moment Sandra felt like giving up, her son approached her. “I was sobbing in the room, with my hands over my face. ‘This is too hard. I’m 45 years old. This is not going to work. I have to accept it and give up now!’
“My son looked at me with tears in his eyes, ‘Mom, I know it’s hard. I know it seems impossible. But if you don’t do it, what will become of you? And what will happen to us?’”
I have no choice. I have to succeed. I can’t give up on my kids. I have to show them you have to fight.
Sandra cried herself to sleep, but then woke up in the middle of the night with sudden determination. She took the math book into her hands and thought, I have no choice. I have to succeed. I can’t give up on my kids. I have to be a role model and show them that you have to fight.
Determined to succeed, she allowed nothing to stop her and finished the difficult class which almost made her give up with an A+.
One day, while Sandra was gathering her materials after class, a student complained to the teacher that the class was too hard and she wanted to give up. The professor responded, “No! Don’t give up! Ask Sandra — I’m sure she can help you. That woman is so strong and is fighting to succeed, you can too”.
Sandra was shocked that he thought so highly of her capabilities. “I held his words in my mind at all times. This compliment sustained me for many years.”
For years, Sandra felt like she was living her ex-husband’s consequences. “I thought I would never forgive him. It felt unfair that he had no responsibilities while I was fighting to survive everyday.”
For a long time, she hung on to resentment towards him and wasn’t able to have any conversation with him. But when one of their children was going through a difficult time, they started to talk again.
“My resentment subsided slightly at that point. Our love for our kids was more important than my anger, and it was a reminder that we had always been on the same team, with the same goal: our children’s happiness.”
When Gabe passed away last year from a sudden heart attack, Sandra couldn’t believe the emotions invading her. For the first time, she felt a feeling of forgiveness.
Although she didn’t initially think that she should be going to his funeral or attend the shiva, she felt she had to be present for her children.
“I knew it would be the hardest time in my children’s lives, and couldn’t let my children go through it alone. I had to be strong for them.”
During shiva, waves of people visited them and told them stories about their father in Israel, and would talk to them about how many people he’d helped. “A visiting rabbi told us how Gabe wrestled with his demons once he moved to Israel and embarked on the difficult process of overcoming his gambling addiction. For the first time, I realized how much suffering he went through. The long road to recovery was lonely and painful.”
The Rabbi looked at Sandra’s children and said to them, “I have not seen many people recover from gambling addictions. But your father did, and I can assure you he did it for you.”
Many people think they have no option but to stay in the marriage, but it’s simply not true. People are so much stronger than they think they are. You can get out and you can get help.
The shiva enabled Sandra to let go of her resentment towards Gabe and to focus on the good memories they had shared.
“I also learned that I unknowingly enabled my husband for many years. By the time I finally stood up and said no, it was too late. I could have said no much earlier and saved our family from a lot of hardship. Many people think they have no option but to stay in the marriage, but it’s simply not true. People are so much stronger than they think they are.
“I now understand that addiction is a disease and needs to be treated professionally and immediately. It's not something that I, as a wife, could have helped him with. I thought he was choosing gambling over his family, but now understand that it wasn’t a choice – he was stuck in his addiction.
“There are resources to help those in addiction and families affected by an addict. Being brave enough to say, ‘help me’ can be lifesaving.”
Today, Sandra realizes that although standing up to her husband sealed the end of their marriage, it was also the moment that ultimately saved him and led to his full recovery.
Addiction resources:
*Pseudonyms are being used in this article
