Archaic Judaism: An Open Letter to Howard Stern

Dear Howard,

Someone recently sent me a short clip of you and Adam Sandler reciting your respective Bar Mitzvahs blessings. It was done respectfully – and perfectly I might add – yet at the conclusion, you remarked, “Isn’t it so ridiculous that my parents made me go for hours every week to learn these words and I still have no idea what they mean? It makes no sense to me all these years later.”

I cannot tell you how many Jews feel the exact same way, and have said goodbye to a religion whose languages and traditions are as foreign to them as Shintoism. In fact, for a very short time, I taught afternoon classes in a Reform Temple to very uninterested kids who were forced to memorize prayers and speeches that had little meaning, aside from "tradition" and the prerequisite Bar Mitzvah photo. So I get that.

Add to that the fact that I myself did not fit in the box, and found myself confused about many practices that at the time made little sense to me. When I was younger, Rosh Hashanah was more about wearing a new suit and staying awake during a speech I couldn't understand, rather than about appreciating the opportunity of asking God to grant me a favorable year.

Add to that having to withstand the shrills of an Israeli cantor whose bellowing voice should never have met an eardrum. I'm not even going to mention Yom Kippur. And someone actually paid for this no less!

Do you remember in the film classic, The Karate Kid when Danielson comes to train with his Sensei, Mr. Miyagi. For several back breaking days, Myagi has Danielson sand a large wooden deck, paint huge fences and wax a fleet of cars. Finally, he's exhausted and explodes, "Hey I came here to learn how to fight and instead you're having me do all of these random things that make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I am out of here!"

With that, Myagi proceeds to show him how every single "random exercise" that he thought had no meaning, was actually another tool necessary towards his becoming a champion. The scene's climax occurs when Daniel Son successfully defends himself against his Sensei's attacks, reinforcing the idea that there was in fact a method to the madness. But when he thought there wasn't, he was fuming – and with good reason.

The commentaries tell us that the Egyptians, like the Nazis, gave purposeless work to the Israelites in order to weaken their spirit by essentially having them waste their days and nights doing meaningless tasks. God does not want anyone serving Him unhappily, doing random, purposeless things – especially under the guise of religion.

As I got older, I started learning more and found that I had many misconceptions about Judaism, probably because of a mixture of ADHD, and rabbis who didn't know how to deal with, let alone teach someone like me. Luckily, my parents raised us in an observant home where we discussed the meanings behind many things and I always felt the presence of God. And as I got older, rather than dreading the one day a year where I can't eat, I now look forward to and love Yom Kippur because I now see it in a different light.

My understanding of things changed as I learned the reasons behind what I was doing.

What changed? Like Danielson, my understanding of things changed as I learned the reasons behind what I was doing. I realized that everything has meaning, but it is usually our limited perception, many times through no fault of our own, that prevents us from seeing the larger picture.

As a child, Shabbat was a day to rest, eat a lot, and avoid using any electronics for a day. But it wasn't something I necessarily looked forward to. Today, I see it as my favorite day of the week, a day where I can recharge my own battery, a day to stop producing and start appreciating all of my accomplishments. It's a day to place something bigger than myself in front of me and it gives me perspective, humility, and ultimately gratitude.

Rather than seeing it as a day that I can't text, I see it as a day that I can put down my cell phone and focus on family, friends and God. The fact that many psychologists and sociologists now see the value of the Sabbath even amongst non-Jews further strengthens the message.

So does that mean it's all smooth sailing? Heck no! I have some issues with religion, and certain people who represent it. But I also know that God rescued us from actual slavery some 3,500 years ago, and gave us a Torah vis a vis mass revelation. The event is so cataclysmic in nature that even today, Muslims, Christians and Jews alike still accept it.

When you became a Bar Mitzvah boy, the first blessing you made (the one you recited with Adam Sandler) thanked God for choosing you and for His gift, the Torah. The second blessing that you read after your Bar Mitzvah portion was completed also thanks God for giving us His Torah, but adds "and implanted eternal life within us." The good deeds you do will stay with you for all eternity. Howard, I have seen you stand up against injustices towards Jews (Kanye and Roger Waters come to mind), constantly defending Israel's right to defend itself, not to mention the love and respect you give your parents, particularly when it wasn't always so easy.

You've also been working on your character in therapy, and clearly trying to become a better, more sensitive person, even extending your kindness to animals. We call this the "pintele yid", the unique "holy spark" that resides within every Jew.

My hope is that you and Beth continue to nurture this dynamic of your personality and come to see Judaism as a joy and a privilege and an opportunity to come closer to God, as opposed to a meaningless set of archaic traditions.

Continued success!

Avi Ciment