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GOOD MORNING! I remember my grandfather, of blessed memory, joking about how he reached 50 years of marital bliss, "We always held hands ... it kept us from fighting." Not every marriage is blessed with longevity nor necessarily happiness. However, there are some things that we can do to minimize arguments and unnecessary hurt in a marriage.
Recently, a person spoke with me. "We argue all the time. There is so much anger. I can't take it."
I shared the first rule of marital happiness, "It takes two to fight. If you don't argue back, if you answer in a soft voice ('A gentle answer turns away anger' - Proverbs 15:1), then you won't have fights."
"Impossible! One can't be on the receiving end of such invectives without responding!" So, I gave a few strategies to minimize fights and minimize the impact of the "slings of barbs and arrows."
THREE STRATEGIES TO AVOID ARGUMENTS
Now, let's take it to the next level. You are walking down the street past an Insane Asylum. Out walks a fellow in a patient's garb. He comes up to you and says, "You are the most inconsiderate, insensitive, self-centered human being God ever placed on this planet!" How do you feel? The normal reaction would be, "Gee. I hope he's not violent. Poor fellow. I wonder what he got committed for." If one's spouse lets loose a verbal barrage either s/he has a good point (then softly admit that you're wrong) or you are the recipient of an insane outburst. View your spouse as insane (but don't share this with your spouse!) and you won't feel the pain or be drawn into a verbal brawl that you will regret.
I know that there are those who will be incensed by the suggestion to view one's spouse as insane even if s/he goes off on a verbal tirade and even if it is to avoid a fight. I know that there are those who are getting ready to write me, fax me, email me (rkp@aish.com) or call me. No problem. If you have a good point that I haven't considered, I'll agree. If you are really abusive, I'll think of the money I'm stacking up in my safety deposit box. And ... as a last resort, I'll just tell myself, "Too bad, what can I do? There is so much insanity out there!"
For more on "Having a Great Marriage" go to ShabbatShalomAudio.com!
Torah Portion of the Week
Be'halot'cha
Aharon is commanded in the lighting of the Menorah, the Levites purify themselves for service in the Tabernacle (they trained from age 25-30 and served from age 30-50), the first Pesach is celebrated since leaving Egypt.
The Almighty instructs the Jewish people to journey into the desert whenever the ever-present cloud lifts from above the Tabernacle and to camp where it rests. Moshe is instructed to make two silver trumpets to be sounded before battle or to proclaim a Yom Tov (a holiday).
The people journey to the wilderness of Paran during which time they rebelled twice against the Almighty's leadership. The second time they complain about the boring taste of the manna and the lack of meat in the desert. The Almighty sends a massive quantity of quail and those who had rebelled died.
Moshe asks his father-in-law, Yitro (Jethro) to travel with them in the desert, but Yitro returns to Midian. (It has been said that the difference between in-laws and outlaws, that at least outlaws are wanted ... Of course, in this case the father-in-law was wanted.)
Miriam, Moshe's sister, speaks loshon hora (defaming words) about Moshe. She is struck with tzora'as (the mystical skin disease which indicated that a person spoke improperly about another person) and is exiled from the camp for one week.
Dvar Torah
based on Love Your Neighbor by Rabbi Zelig Pliskin
Miriam, Moshe's sister, heard from Moshe's wife, Tzipora, that Moshe had separated himself from her (so that he, Moshe, could receive a prophecy from the Almighty at any time). Miriam felt that Moshe's behavior was improper, since both she and her brother, Aharon, both carried on their respective married lives, yet received prophecy. Miriam related her feelings to her brother, Aharon.
The Torah states:
"And Miriam and Aharon spoke against Moshe because of the Cushite woman whom he had married; for he had married a Cushite woman. And they said, 'Has God spoken only with Moshe? Has he not spoken also with us?' And the Lord heard. But the man Moshe was very humble, more than all the men that were upon the face of the earth." (Numbers 12:1-3).
The Chofetz Chaim, Rabbi Yisroel Meir Kagan, writes (Shmiras Haloshonloshon hora, the laws regarding defamatory speech:
CANDLE LIGHTING - June 9:
(or Go to http://www.aish.com/shabbat/candlelighting.asp)
Jerusalem 7:09
Guatemala 6:14 - Hong Kong 6:48 - Honolulu 6:54
J'Burg 5:04 - London 8:57 - Los Angeles 7:45
Melbourne 4:49 - Mexico City 6:56 - Miami 7:54
New York 8:08 - Singapore 6:51 - Toronto 8:39
QUOTE OF THE WEEK:
If you give everyone a piece of your mind,
you have no peace of mind.
In Honor of |
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