10 Minutes a Week Can Improve Your Marriage

"Honey, can we talk about something?"

Let me tell you what happens when your spouse hears that sentence.

Uh oh. What did I do now?

He or she is already on guard, and before you even try to bring "it" up, it's game over.

If you randomly approach your spouse with a conversation starter like this, they're already gearing up for a negative conversation.

A spouse knows what typically follows the words "I have something important to talk about." That’s why hard conversations often feel like an ambush.

The solution takes ten minutes a week. And it actually works.

Here's how the idea came to me:

A couple in Los Angeles had quadruplets, the first set born in the city in 25 years. Six people pitched in to help around the clock, with nobody sleeping. Before the babies were even born, the couple held a standing weekly meeting, every Monday, with calendars open, run like a business: who takes the helmet appointment Thursday, who's on the 9 a.m. feed, who does bathtime.

We can do same thing with the marriage itself. Not a meeting where you smuggle in a complaint, but a standing time to talk about the relationship, both the good and the hard parts, out in the open.

The trouble with a good idea is the distance between "I should do that" and "I did that." That distance is the longest journey there is.

So lean on habit stacking: pin the check-in to something that already happens every single week without fail. Every Monday night after dinner, for instance, have your ten minutes.

My husband and I do this every week. We call it "great points and growth points."

Begin with yourself: "Here's what I did well. I really worked on greeting you warmly when you walked in. And here's what I want to work on. I had a rough stretch and was glued to a screen more than I'd like."

Then you turn to your spouse, name the good things you noticed, and offer one growth point. Then they do the same. Ten, maybe fifteen minutes. And it changes everything downstream, because now there's a safe place on the calendar for the hard things. Your spouse isn't bracing for the shoe to drop, because he knows exactly when and how it comes.

Raising the idea can feel awkward, so you may consider sending a simple text: "What do you think about a ten-minute check-in each week about us? We each share something good, maybe one thing to work on. Say, Monday nights after dinner?"

If he writes back, "Uh-oh, what did I do wrong?" you answer, "Absolutely nothing. I just want us to keep growing, on both sides." And if he's still suspicious, blame me: "I read this article and the author suggested everyone try it for a month. Be my guinea pig."

Keep it light. In those first few weeks, you genuinely shouldn't have a loaded reason for wanting it.

Why does knowing the check-in is coming help so much? Because it makes bearing the discomfort of the current moment possible. When you're gritting your teeth through something small and you know Thursday night has a place for it, you can let it go now.

James Sexton, a premier divorce attorney in America, suggested this idea in his new book.

He said if you want to know how to fix a broken-down car, you don't go to a new car salesman, you go to a mechanic. Mechanics have seen every type of failure in every type of car. The new car salesman has only seen the shiny new car with zero problems.

So if you want to know how to fix a marriage, go to a divorce attorney. Anyone can lie to a therapist, they can lie to a doctor, but you don't lie to your lawyer. After working with individuals for decades, he learned what makes marriages succeed and what causes them to fail.

He claims it's disconnection.

You can blame it on intimacy, money, or kids, but at the core of it all is disconnection.

He believes if you sit for ten minutes a week and say, "What did I do this week that turned you on? What did I do this week that you appreciated? Can you tell me something I can improve upon?" and are willing to share and receive pointers from your spouse, you're golden.

Here are some quick tips to make sure the conversation is successful:

No criticism or contempt while they're talking (no "agh" or eye-rolling).

Focus on really listening to your partner's points. Make it more about what you can learn than what you plan to tell him or her.

And lastly, name the positive experience first before sharing what could be worked on. It frames the relationship in a positive way.

This ten-minute conversation, compounded over time, becomes the pathway to understanding your spouse and what they need and want from you. Slowly, you'll both feel heard, and positive changes can be made.

Ten minutes a week can turn your marriage into one that energizes you, excites you, and brings excellence into your relationship.