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Why Anti-Semites Are Dumb

January 19, 2020 | by David Kilimnick

Your convictions, Mr. Anti-Semite are pretty flimsy.

If you’re an anti-Semite, your hatred is misdirected and pointless. Here are some of the reasons your hatred makes no sense, and some of my suggestions to help you.

You’re Emotionally Unstable

Mr. Anti-Semite, you’ve had decent interactions your whole life with Jews. But one guy with a yarmulke cuts you off and now it’s because he’s Jewish? You start preaching, “Jews cut people off. All Jews are inconsiderate.” All the sudden the Jews caused every natural disaster.

I understand that it’s hard when you get cut off by somebody with nothing on their head. It’s hard to vent, “People with hair, cut people off. Those people with hair!”

This jump in judgment of all Jews affected my childhood: I missed a foul shot in eighth grade, our team lost, and all Jews got a reputation for being bad at basketball.

You Perpetuate More Judaism

I have news for you. In some ways we love being hated. When we’re hated, we come together and unite in prayer. We start being more diligent in our observance of the commandments, especially the mitzvah of loving thy neighbor as thyself. All of the sudden there’s peace amongst Israel. People are keeping Shabbat, explaining, “I started keeping Shabbat because my neighbor gave me a nasty look when my cousin Yankel and his eight children visited. So, now, I make no noise on Saturday and don’t mow the lawn because of that anti-Semite.”

If you loved us, we would do nothing. Most Jews wouldn’t even want to see other Jews. You strengthen Jewish identity because you hate us so much. We thank you.

You Always Give in When You Need Something

When you need to get your taxes done, you go to your Jewish accountant. When you need your will drafted, you go to your Jewish lawyer. When you need to go to the hospital, you go to your Jewish doctor. Your convictions, Mr. Anti Semite are pretty flimsy.

Something I noticed about anti-Semitism: There’s no anti-Semitism in hospitals. When I walk into a hospital with my kippah, people always smile at me. They might be anti-Semites, but they’re thinking I might know somebody. Anti-Semites need doctors too.

Hospitals are a Jewish safe space. People put that stuff on hold, until they’re healthy enough to hate Jews again.

We Like Deals

You know we like a good deal. Nothing makes my day like an unbelievable bargain. So don’t act shocked when we show up and buy all of the polo shirts that are half off. Call it a “Jewish Shirt Sale.” That’s fine. As long as you keep the costs down, we’re fine being hated. If you are going to hate us for paying retail, so be it.

We End Up Moving to Israel

You hate us in the diaspora and say we should live in our own country, so we end up moving to Israel. Then you hate Israel. Anti-Semites, you have to choose.

Moment of Appreciation: Let’s thank the anti-Semites for this. They do the best job of getting Jews to move to Israel. The Jewish Agency pales in comparison. They think that selling Israel as a great place to raise kids and live as a Jew, works? Pogroms are actually way more effective. The Anti-Semites are marketing geniuses.

You Don’t Even Know Who You’re Hating

Mr. Anti-Semite did you realize that your cousin converted? That your workout partner from the gym is Jewish? Your best friend from high school is Jewish? You just never asked them. And they’re all pretty darn nice.

You Never Even Met a Jew

Why don’t you first meet a Jew. Then at least you can have a reason to hate us.

You Need Us To Be Successful

Without our success, your anti-Semitism doesn’t even work. If we weren’t successful, that would kill you. Nobody would listen to your cries of, “I hate those Jews, who run the banks and the media.” Now imagine if we didn’t run the banks and the media, where would that leave you? For those unsure of the previous sentence, that was sarcasm.

You Don’t Even Know Our Costumes

We customize and camouflage our attire to look like everyone else and you can’t stand it. We put on a baseball hat and you don’t even know who you should be hating. We go shopping, get the half off deal and you’re trying to figure out why so many people with baseball hats are showing up today.

You Can’t Figure Out Our Holidays

You think Pesach is us celebrating gluten free crackers. Sukkot seems like it’s not fun when you see us building a hut outside, walking out there to eat all bundled in coats. But we’re loving it! You think Chanukah is our way of doing Christmas. You don’t realize we would never celebrate Christmas, bring a big tree into the house and getting all of that shmutz all over, scratching up the credenza. Even on Purim, when we get dressed, you fools think we’re just celebrating Halloween at the wrong time.

Study our traditions. If you knew our holidays, you would realize that we’re having a pretty darn amazing time. And the fact that you’ve been hating us for ages makes our holidays even more fun. I know, that must really annoy you. Sorry. Actually, come to think of it, I’m not sorry.

Who Should You Really Hate

You know who you should really hate? Whoever didn’t encourage you to get a decent education.

Seriously, here’s a suggestion for all of the anti-Semites out there. Why don’t you learn about Judaism first and then you can hate Jews. There are a number of benefits to this approach including the fact that you won’t be as dumb anymore. Trust me, study a little. Meet with a rabbi, or just read some articles on for goodness sake! In the words of the great Jewish comedian Jackie Mason, “It couldn’t’ hurt.”

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