What Really Killed Yasser Arafat

JEWLARIOUS SATIRE: In 2004, then head of the Palestinian Liberation Organization and notorious Israel hater Yasser Arafat died. The immediate French autopsy was inconclusive in determining a cause of death. Eight years later, in November of 2012, Arafat’s wife and notorious shopper Suha had his body exhumed so that scientists whom she was paying could provide a more conclusive cause of death that suited her better. On November 5, 2013, a group of Swiss scientists concluded that there was an 83 percent probability that Arafat was poisoned with a highly radioactive substance called Polonium as it was found on his clothing, underwear and toothbrush. It is important to note that no witness was ever produced who could testify that Arafat ever used a toothbrush.

Gassed by Syrian president Basher Al-Assad.

But now, on December 4, 2013, a team of French scientists have concluded that there is no evidence that Arafat was poisoned with polonium. Instead, they are suggesting that Arafat died from a brain hemorrhage or intestinal infection.

With so many possibilities floating around to explain Yasser Arafat’s death, we at Jewlarious would like to suggest a few of our own.

10 Things Yasser Arafat May Actually have Died From

1. Gassed by Syrian president Basher Al-Assad

2. Choked on his Nobel Peace Prize

3. Wife Suha's reportedly lethal halitosis

4. Did laughing hysterically at his most recent peace proposal

5. Killed by one of millions of angry Palestinians upset over the fact that Arafat siphoned off billions of dollars of international aid which was destined for the Palestinian people but instead ended up paying for Suha’s Faberge egg collection

6. Not listening to doctors who told him that he had to cut back on his insatiable humous habit

7. Mortified when, after the launch of social networking website Facebook, Arafat’s college roommate posted embarrassing pictures of their spring break trip to Dahab, proving that what happened in Dahab did not stay in Dahab

8. Accepted a dare by Hamas President Ismail Haniyeh who boasted that Haniyeh could “probably drink more polonium than you, Yasser”, so Arafat decided to prove him wrong.

9. Tuberculosis, which is rampant in the refugee camps, which Arafat perpetuated by using “refugees” as pawns, choosing to leave them in squalor rather than settle them like all other refugees.

10. Karma

By all means if you have any working theories to explain Yasser Arafat’s death please include them in the comments section below.