> Jewlarious > Funny Stuff

Things We Should Pray for This Year

September 13, 2020 | by David Kilimnick

Dear God, parents have done their time. They shouldn’t have to see their children for the next two and a half years.

There is a lot to pray for this Rosh Hashanah.

We took too much for granted in the past. Did I know that I was supposed to be praying not to be in quarantine this year? I hope this doesn’t mean that the coronavirus was my fault.

Here are some things that I’m going to pray for this year. Feel free to borrow from my list.

A Way to Understand People with their Mask

God, let it be your will that this year, that I’ll be able to hear whoever is talking to me with their mask on. Maybe I’ll finally be able to understand the cashier at the grocery store or the guy at the pizza shop. And when I finally do understand them, please God let them say anything other than, “this is the new normal.”

People Stop Sneezing

If there’s one thing that is never pleasant to be near, it’s people sneezing. The tissue never seems to fully catch it. And now, with the masks on, it’s even more disgusting. This doesn’t even mention the fact that the sneeze is now a weapon of mass destruction. Where’s Saddam Hussein when you need him.

Shopping Near Other People

The hardest part of this year has been having to shop next to other people, while not being able to stand next to other people.

We should all merit other people not getting angry at us for grocery shopping this year. A year of not getting nasty looks for standing in line at the supermarket. A year of not getting yelled at because your feet are not perfectly placed on the sticker. Is that sticker really six feet away?

The Ability to Know Six Feet

I still haven’t fully figured out what a distance of six feet is. I still feel like I’m too close to everybody. I think I need to lie down between me and other people, just to make sure we’re far enough away. Some people think it’s weird; I just look up and tell them “it’s the new normal.”

We should merit a year of decent depth perception.

A Year with Less Disinfectant

We should all merit not to have to disinfect everything in shul before using it. I don’t want random shpritzes in my face, being told that it’s for my health.

Toilet Paper in Abundance

You never know.

Masks You Can Breathe in During Prayers

We are going to be in shul for a long time. I am just thinking of our collective wellbeing. We should merit to not suffocate ourselves for the sake of our davening. We should merit a year in which masks are not added to the Unetana Tokef prayer.

Where I Understand What Science Is

I have heard “it’s the science” and “the data suggests” all year long. Everybody is quoting “science” yet everyone disagrees. When I talk to the other guy who watches the other news show the science is not the same anymore.

We should all merit a year in which science is factual again and can explain why we are all in quarantine and have to close down all of our businesses.

A Year Where We Don’t Have to See Our Children

Over the last six months, parents have done their time. They shouldn’t have to see their children for the next two and a half years.

May we all merit to being able to watch our TV series in peace with no more cartoons. May we merit for schools to open and for them to give no homework. A year in which we never have to do third grade mathematics again.

Hug Family

It’s kind of hard to feel close to your parents when you’re waving at them from the other side of the room. It’s kind of hard to feel close to somebody when you have to put on gloves to shake their hand. It’s kind of offensive to cover yourself in a space suit to show somebody you love them. God, this year, give us some hugs.

Develop Relationships in Person

All singles should merit meeting the person they’ve been dating for the past six months.

To Be Able to Travel

I don’t care how much money you have and how much traveling you do, if you have to lock yourself up for two weeks when you get there, you’re not going.

We should merit a year in which we can vacation and see humans who live in other cities.

They’ll Finally Be Able to Get the Video Conference to Work

I still can’t hear them. No idea how they still can’t figure out how to mute that guy fighting with his kids in the background.

A Year of Clarity

Is it six feet and a mask? Is it six feet or a mask? Why is the guy who hasn’t showered in a week sneezing on me with no mask?

Go to a Gym

Just to go. Not to do anything. Just to see if they’re there. I’ve forgotten about those places. I just want to go to a gym, kind of like it’s a museum.

That We Never Have to Vote Again in Israel

If there is one positive of this whole quarantine, I didn’t have to vote for the prime minister once since the pandemic hit.

No Disease

I don’t know who was praying for pandemics last year, but that must stop.

We should all merit a healthy new year, a year where we are smart enough to know that you never share a shofar.

We should all be safe and healthy whatever that means according to the science and the data. Whatever the new normal is.


Leave a Reply

🤯 ⇐ That's you after reading our weekly email.

Our weekly email is chock full of interesting and relevant insights into Jewish history, food, philosophy, current events, holidays and more.
Sign up now. Impress your friends with how much you know.
We will never share your email address and you can unsubscribe in a single click.
linkedin facebook pinterest youtube rss twitter instagram facebook-blank rss-blank linkedin-blank pinterest youtube twitter instagram