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The Ten Plagues Board Meeting

April 4, 2019 | by Stephanie D. Lewis

A certified transcript from the recent Ten Plague board meeting.

Below are the certified transcripts from the recent Ten Plague board meeting at the international summit, held in late March.

Boil: I now call our annual Passover Preparation session to order. Today’s agenda includes recommendations for our new and improved name, combating the negative stigma that we’re all just a bunch of creeps, and suggestions for creative props so children will be more into Pesach and we get all the credit. But first we begin with a guest speaker from the Seder Plate Symbol Meet-Up Group down the hall. Please give a warm welcome to Parsley.

Parsley: Good afternoon Plagues. I’ve just come from speaking at the monthly meeting of the Ten Commandments and they . . .

Frog: Unbelievable! They’re meeting 12 times a year now – those Ten Show-Offs. What are they…. G-d’s gift? None of them have a song about jumping on Pharaoh’s nose and toes? And yet they think they’re better than us?

Locust: They ARE better than us. I have one word for you – “Displays!” Do you see anyone framing us and hanging us up on their living room wall? And when’s the last time we were engraved in Hebrew upon a 14K gold charm and worn around someone’s neck? Depicted on a Mezuzah?

Boil: Stop kvetching, Plagues. We’ll get to this issue later. Parsley has the floor now. Parsley, please give us some insight into what the Ten Commandments were discussing.

Parsley: Well they’re still stuck on the phenomenon that all Ten of them were revealed in the same exact instant. And the people at Mount Sinai saw the sounds (instead of hearing them) and how this frightened everyone. Fascinating talk, really.

Lice: Whatever. But can they incite fear into 35 preschool mothers (simultaneously!) like I do when the teacher puts lice notifications in all the classroom cubbies?

Hail: Stop being so nit-picky.

Lice: I wouldn’t talk, my Frozen, Frosty, Frail Friend.

Boil: Settle down the both of you! You’re like some ghastly open sore that never heals.

Parsley: The real reason I’m here is to discuss purpose and meaning. As you know, each year I look forward to my featured significance at the Passover table. I’m not just dipping myself into a cleansing spa bath of saltwater as a hedonistic pleasure. No Sir! Those are slave shed tears in which I ceremoniously dip. A true sacred act on my part, elevated to the point of a yearly ritual. Can any of you say the same??

Boil: Thank you for coming here and inspiring us, Parsley. You’ve garnished us with some real food for thought.

Wild Beast: Personally I think he should save that lecture for the egg. Eggs are not at all clear on eggactly why they’re on a Seder plate. Is it to represent springtime? The shape of the world? The circle of life? This confusion is probably why they’re always hardboiled. Haha! Get it? They get so angry it makes their blood boil.

Blood: Watch it with the blood jokes. Blood is thicker than water, ya know.

Boil: Shhhhhh enough degenerating into puns and cliches. I’d like to transition into the topic of negative public perception. We are always such a Devorah Downer. Rebranding! That’s the key. Let’s brainstorm ways to lighten up. We always seem to come off as very dark.

Darkness: Uh, I’m the ninth plague. What do you expect??

Boil: (ignores that) So here are three suggestions for our new names: (1) “The Ten Plaques,” which would only involve changing the G to a Q, thus keeping printing costs down in Haggadahs, but might trouble a few Jewish dentists. On the flip side, their proud Jewish mothers would give their eyeteeth to have that name! (2) “The Ten Ravages” and we can wear cool rock-singer wigs and hold electric guitars in our full color social media posters! (3) “The Ten Profound Predicaments” which I think makes us sound like intellectuals and will foster more discussion rather than our current quickie recitation as ten drops of wine are spilled. Cast your vote for our new name and leave it in the empty afikomen bag by the door as you exit the building.

Locust: Before we end, I was hoping to get to those fun props that keep both young and old engaged in the retelling of the Passover story. Hail gets to be represented by both cotton balls AND ping-pong balls. And I get bupkis.

10th Plague: What about me? I’m always the elephant in the room.

Locust: Are you kidding me? You’re the entire reason for the name “Passover!”

10th Plague: I guess that’s better than some plastic prop.

Locust: But nobody even knows what a locust is anymore. I’d like to make a motion that from this day forward, I be known as the common grasshopper. Party supply stores sell them in sets of ten for a buck.

Boil: Fine, we’ll vote on that proposal next year. We’ll also have “The Four Sons” as guest speakers in their quest to adopt more politically correct names. Last but certainly not least, we’ll compose a letter to the producer of “The Prince of Egypt” (which I believe is Dreamworks) to make our case for a new Ten Plagues song – something with a beat that you can dance to. This meeting is now formally adjourned!

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