The New Yiddish Zodiac
If you are a “Pupika” you are an “innie” – an introvert.
Since the 1960’s, the “kewl” kids, instead of saying “hello” to a possible bashert, found a new way to bagel one another by saying “What’s your sign?”
With your birth month in hand, astrologers, especially at 2.99 a minute, will not only tell you whether your life will be filled with joys or oys, but nail your uncommon fondness for yelling at waiters in delis.
If you are a “Chutzpah” people either adore you or can’t stand you.
True. We Jews do have a relationship with the Zodiac through the Hebrew months of the year: Nisan, Iyar, Sivan, Tamuz, Av, Elul, Tishrei, Cheshvan, Kislev, Tevet, Shevat, and Adar. But when was the last time you went to shul and a cute Tishrei gave you tsouris because you’re a Tamuz?
Well, now you can. After consulting with the learned JewZodiakian, Saul Paskudnyaksky, I have come up with “The New Yiddishe Zodiac”. It tells you what’s what and who’s who by giving us new additional signs so young Jews can “relate.”
THE NEW YIDDISHE ZODIAC
KINAHORA (March-April) You’re riddled with PS (Preventive Spitting). You see evil eyes prying everywhere on you so you’re a human hose. Fortunately, you were born with superior saliva glands that allow you to tfu, tfu, tfu, a lot more and further than any other sign. Use your gift with caution. If you spit at salad bars to avoid salmonella, your datebook will be filled with strange people who collect raincoats.
BULVAN (April-May) You’ll probably graduate Harvard first in your class, make a few bil, and be President of the Shul. The not so great news is, like Shark Tank’s Mr. Wonderful you’ll yell: “You’re dead to me” should the government refuse to, for example, give you the Statue of Liberty for a lawn ornament. Savor your success mamala, because people will say: “He may be ‘Bargains ‘R Us’ but he’s still a Bulvan!”
PUPIKA (May-June) If you’re an “innie,” you’re a solitary person who knows all the words to “My Yiddishe Mama” – in the original Mama-Loshen. Your colon however, looks like a relief map of Kazakhstan. If you’re an “outie,” should annoying people ask why, at 40, you’re still living at home, you might yell: “In Your Pupik!” Resist this urge, along with the desire to play musical pupik in public near prospects.
EPPES (June-July) Jewish mothers adore you because when they say: “I’ll cut you another slab of cheesecake!” and you’re 5’2” and 170 pounds, you’ll take despite your feeling that, “It might, eppes, be time to skip the 5,000 calories.” A life of “eppesness” means you have no firm opinions about say, The Middle East, or weighing 170 pounds at 5’2.” Lovely you are, but interesting …? Eppes, we’ll change the subject.
SHANISHT (July-August) You’re ruled by orderliness and are a whiz at preparing kosher noshes and keeping Jews in line. In shul it’s your job to make sure no one interrupts the machers or takes too many cookies. While your superior ability to sha people works wonders at testimonials for long-winded contributors, some may at times resent you sha-ing, say, at Jewish singles mixers.
FINGERLEK (August-September) As there’s no one Yiddish word for toe, if you were born under this sign, you can solve situations, even if there is none, or no way to express it. In Day School you chanted in Yiddish: “head, shoulders, knees, finger fun fus” (the finger of the foot). Everyone admires your creativity and your freaky ability to walk on your hands. The only thing you haven’t figured out is a word for “toe.” Work on it before your bashert stubs her big fun fus.
CHUTZPA (September-October) People either adore you or can’t stand you. They’re the same people. You noodged Facebook to let you “share” with Netanyahu on his Personal Page which is terrific. Not so terrific is showing up at his door and taking his leftovers. My advice is to use your pisk for good – like owners of cable companies, and the 40-year-old traveling juggler your daughter met on J-cruise.
KIBBITZ (October-November) You’re a riot. Your mother says you should be Jerry Seinfeld, John Stewart or Rita Rudner. Meanwhile, you’re doing weddings in Brooklyn Heights. Why? Because you’re shtick only works at The Beth Zion Home and Hospital. A prospect may find you adorable … but get sick of dining on leftovers from the Skulniks’ Bar Mitzvah. Time to stop futzing, update and create some new Jewish humor that doesn’t involve a Rottweiler, a Princess, or your mother.
YIDKOP (November-December) You’re known from Brooklyn to Tel Aviv as a person who uses a Yiddishe kop to solve important problems such as using leftover matzo to pave the driveway. Do watch the preachery. No unmarried 25-year-old wants to hear: “It is written that there are 30 ways of answering that” when she asks: “Why did Hashem send me a mieskeit instead of a Scott Mechlowicz?”
NAYFISH (December-January) Beige is your favorite color so you can indulge your dream of “blending in.” The flip side is you get stepped on by accident a lot. The terrific news is: chances are you won’t take a date to a restaurant requiring you to yell into a clown face as you probably suffer from coulrophobia (technically a fear of stilt walkers) – along with a fear of yelling.
GEVALTISH (January-February) You live life in the catastrophe lane whether the subject is “who would wear such a shmatte on Project Runway, the outcome of a Presidential Primary, or a suspicious mosquito bite on your bashert. As you’re the speediest of the signs, revving from “oy” to gevaltizing in less than five seconds the government consults you when creating their Emergency Alert System.
MISHEGGOON (February-March) You may be crazy like a fox or a lunatic. After all, was Einstein normal? OK, his fear of barbers was odd. Face it, the line between meshugge and genius is a fine one. If you, for example, find you’re turning into a polar bear without discovering the secret of black holes, you might be headed for a sanitarium instead of Stockholm City hall during Nobel season. As for your bashert, there’s a difference between pious facial hair and fur.