> Jewlarious > Funny Stuff

Reasons for Jewish Singles to Get Married

August 8, 2019 | by David Kilimnick

Tu B’Av is here – the Jewish holiday of love, and that means it’s time for all of us singles to get married.

Tu B’Av is here --the Jewish holiday of love and you know what that means? Time for all of us single people to meet our spouses. Why? Do you really need me to answer that? Okay, here’s why:

Married People Invite You and Feed You

Single people invite you for dinner, and then they invite you to bring the food. “You are coming? Maybe you want to bring the kugel… A little extra chicken and brisket. We’re not inviting you for nothing.” But married people actually cook for you. And they even have chairs.

Too Old to be an Uncle

I can’t go to little league baseball games anymore. I am too old and single. I can’t be a candy man in shul either. It’s creepy. But get married and i won’t get accused of being a scary old guy when I show up to the jungle gym.

Don’t Have to Sit at the Kids Table

I don’t know how this works. I guess they think 8 year olds and 40 year olds are all single so we should sit together. I personally don’t like talking about slime, but I do like chicken fingers.

You Can Wear A Tallit Shawl & Head Covering

Women with no head covering and men with no prayer shawl at shul are branded as losers. People in shul are staring at you when you don’t have a Tallit on. Suddenly you get married and you can wear the secret uniform, no questions asked.

Somebody to Scream At

There is so much frustration in daily life. When you are not married, you have nobody to scream at.

Somebody to Complain To

If you get married, you will need somebody to complain to. Marriage is tough. Your spouse is the perfect person to complain to about that.

Have Kids

The next generation of you. You are awesome. Clones of you should be in this world.

Not Get Old Alone

Who is going to take care of you when you get old? If you are not married or with kids, the answer is: nobody. You got no kids and you are watching TV, you’re stuck having to get up to get the ice and the remote control yourself. Having kids will help you stay stationary.

You Need a Reason for a Minivan

To be a good Jew, you need at least one minivan in the driveway. If you have a minivan and you are single, it doesn’t look right. You will be on the terror watch list.

You Save Money

Now you can get the family membership package. All memberships at Jewish community centers and shuls goes down when you put the word “family” in there. That’s why you never want to say you are a couple. There are no discounts for that.

You Will Be Able To Put Down the Mortgage

Marriage is a financial decision and I am looking for somebody who can cover a whole down-payment. Forget romance, I am a dollars and cents guy.

You Never Have to Hear the “You Are Only Half a Person” Speech

You will feel like you are an actual person at engagement parties, where they give the speech about how people are not people before they meet. When single, they say you’re only half a person. They do this looking right at you, the single person in the corner, who is sitting there with no head covering or prayer shawl. The speech continues with celebration in your not being a whole person, when they say that “once Karen and Michael got married, they became a person.” Karen and Michael are happy, finally. You are not.

You Can Enjoy the Holidays

You don’t have to worry about looking good anymore. You can just eat. You can be a Jew and eat at every Simcha party and every holiday. You will never have to start a diet again and worry that Shabbat will kill it. You will never have to diet. Your weight will always be Shabbos weight, and you have somebody that has to learn to love that.

Sharing Milk

If you ever had a roommate and they took your milk, you would understand what I’m talking about. You get married and the milk is naturally shared. That is how “peace in the house” is created, with shared milk that you own together. I can’t tell you how many times I shared milk with roommates in the past, and how fast I had to drink it to make sure I got more than them.

Reason for A Freezer

The center of any good religious household. The freezer. Not just one but two freezers. The more religious you are, the more freezers. You see a future of little kids and you cook for it. When you have eight kids, you will never have time to cook. You discuss how many kids you plan to have over the next ten years and cook for that.

Decent Food for Dinner

For some reason, once you get married somebody starts cooking every night. When you’re single you are living off peanut butter and Wacky Mac. I can’t explain it but once you’re married and somebody else is in your life, there’s freshly cooked food every night. Baked cookies somehow appear. Either that or food that was cooked at some point and placed in the freezer is continually thawed out for your enjoyment.

Maybe this is why Jewish people get married. They just want to eat a normal dinner.

🤯 ⇐ That's you after reading our weekly email.

Our weekly email is chock full of interesting and relevant insights into Jewish history, food, philosophy, current events, holidays and more.
Sign up now. Impress your friends with how much you know.
We will never share your email address and you can unsubscribe in a single click.
linkedin facebook pinterest youtube rss twitter instagram facebook-blank rss-blank linkedin-blank pinterest youtube twitter instagram