Next Year in Disneyland?

June 1, 2017

5 min read


Instead of Grand Master Yoda, you’ll see my nosy Grandmother Yente.

This past December my six children marched me through the California mouse-themed park in search of menorahs, dreidels, or sufganiyot hidden amongst the preponderance of tinsel, wreaths, lights, and gingerbread men. “Hi-ho, hi ho,” I sang, “There’s no Chanukah here, I know.” How much work could it be to scatter some gold-foiled gelt next to the striped candy canes? Chocolate or peppermint? This is seriously a decision?

The Monorail: Is now “The Matzorail!”

By way of compensating for my kid’s disappointment, I’m sending Walt’s grandchildren some creative suggestions for a Judaism themed Disneyland all year long. And Kosher food, right? Of course right! Delicious sit-down delicatessens abound everywhere. Because what Jew do you know wants to stroll around nibbling corned beef on rye on-a-stick, or licking a chopped-liver cone, while experiencing the following?

The Monorail: Is now “The Matzorail!” Sponsored by Manischewitz.

Star Tours: Is now “Star of David Tours!” You won’t see any Grand Master Yoda here, but my nosy Grandmother Yente will be your guide through the six-pointed factory.

Dumbo the Flying Elephant Ride: Is now presenting camels instead of the pachyderms circling its carousel. And instead of flying, they’ll be frying – delicious golden latkes. What?? I don’t want to hear anyone saying this is a dumbo idea, or kvetching, “Ever see a cooking camel before??” Just ask yourself, “Ever see an airborne elephant before?” And then proceed to read the rest of this silently because these are MY suggestions.

The Teacups Ride: Is now “The Kiddush Cups” ride. Are we good with this one? I hope so because whirling around in dizzying circles is exactly how you’ll walk if you drink too much wine on Shabbos.

The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh: Is now “Kenahora Adventures, Pooh Pooh Pooh!” Don’t even think about tempting the evil eye on this misleadingly tame ride, Honey!

Roger Rabbit’s Car Toon Spin: Is now (of course!) replaced by “Roger Rabbi.” C’mon Disney, must I spell everything out for you?

The Pirates of Caribbean: Is now “The Patriarchs of Circumcision.” Work with me here, this one was tricky! Board a quiet bayou boat ride (to see how our ancestors fulfilled the covenant) which suddenly ends up in the middle of a procedure that (Oy, gasp!) trust me, has you wishing it was merely Johnny Depp wielding a sharp sword. Riders disembark muttering, “I don’t think we’re in the happiest place on earth anymore.” Prerequisite: This attraction is required before visiting the one below.

The Haunted Mansion: Is now “The Haunted Mohel.” Enough said.

Mountain Rides: Forget Space Mountain and Thunder Mountain because now there’s “Mount Sinai” where you’ll zoom around thick clouds as booming thunder and flashes of lightning awaken your senses! Save this ride for last because it will take 40 days AND 40 nights.

The Peter Pan Ride: Is now “The Pareve Pan” (Basically a Kosher cooking class for men who’ve never grown up, taught by a nice Jewish girl named Wendy Darling-Stein?)

Main Street Electrical Parade: Is now the “Hamen Street Purim Parade.” And booing is encouraged!

FastPass: Instead of using this little cardboard ticket to bypass the crowds on a popular rollercoaster, think about implementing it as a voucher to “Pass on the Fast of Esther” when Purim rolls around. (Tempting but nah, don’t do that!) And it’s definitely NOT valid on Yom Kippur.

Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Etc: We’re tired of Disney Princesses. Even the Jewish American (Disney) Princesses. Instead strong biblical women like Sara, Rachel, Leah, Miriam, and Esther can stroll around the park grounds autographing your pushke.

Splash Mountain: A relaxing ride for women as a female attendant prepares you to disrobe, reminding you to remove all jewelry, makeup, contact lenses, and bandages before you descend down the steep drop, fully immersing yourself in the beautiful waters below.

Great Moments With Mr. Lincoln: Is now “Great Machers With Lincolns.” Audio-Animatronics give these Jewish executive big shots highly realistic movement as they boast about driving their luxury Continental sedans.

Disney Animation: The following changes are made in these well-known shows performed around the park.

  • The talking candlestick in Beauty and the Beast is replaced by a pair of Shabbat Candlesticks.

  • The magic wand used by the fairy godmother in Cinderella is swapped for an enchanted Lulav branch.

  • There are only 4 dwarfs left in Snow White – “Doc” is still there, but he’s now joined by Dentist, Attorney, and CPA. (Because of what use to a Jew would little men called Dopey or Sneezy be?)

Fantasyland: The name of this land remains unchanged so every Jewish mother can wish upon a star and make her dreams come true. i.e. Children happily eat everything she cooks, wear sweaters, and call when they arrive at their friend’s house. Best of all, they come home for all holidays.

Tomorrowland: Is now “ToMitzvahland” with the main attraction being “The Chair Ride.” More boisterous than Indiana Jones, guests are lifted high up in their seats and swirled, rocked, and tipped within an inch of their life as strangers shout, “Mazel Tov!” while Hava Nagelia plays boldly in the background.

Adventureland: Is now “You’reaMenschland and this is of course the section where honorable people do good deeds. That familiar ride (with its annoying music and dolls representing every country) is now called “It’s a Small World, But We Still Have to Repair It.” Floating in boats past different rooms that showcase Tikkun Olam, children get to see many acts of kindness being performed. And this would be the most popular attraction of all.

Next Steps