New Jewish Superheroes
Wholesaleman puts back in people’s pockets what those over-priced department store goniffs are stealing with their fancy-shmancy labels.
The connection between Jews and superheroes is well known. Just last week the Times of Israel ran a story titled “A Marvel-ous night out for Jewish comic book nerds: Costumed superheroes with Semitic roots are swinging into a town near you.” Many have pointed out that Jewish creators of Superman for example, Joe Schuster and Jerry Siegel, gave their Superman Jewish characteristics from his name Kal-El to his unique double life – reminiscent in ways to Moses himself.
But many of these comic book superheroes were hidden Jews. Baruch Hashem, thank God, today we Jews don’t have to hide our identity. So why should our superheroes?
I’m glad you asked. Ladies and gentlemen…
JEWISH SUPERHEROES WE’D LIKE TO SEE
Matzo Man: In defense of all that is kosher, Matzo Man has the unique ability to unleaven himself, break apart (not necessarily evenly), and fit in any corner, allowing him to wipe out crime from any hiding spot. His arch enemy is The Matzolator. Should he come within 50 feet, Matzo Man risks being found and buttered to death.
Supershadchan! Her task is simple: to make sure all eligible Jewish people have a prospect for marriage by the time they finish university. Should, say, a particular prospect have certain flaws, for example, he acts like a bulvan (animal), Supershadchan will find a suitable bulvanette, thereby saving unsuspecting mensches by limiting the spread the bulvanism worldwide. Should Supershadchan come across an immoveable bachelor, she has back-up: The Yenta Patrol.
The Yenta Patrol: On duty 24/7, The Yenta Patrol consists of Four Fab Females: Mrs. Goldstein a.k.a. The Finder. Whether it’s triefe or your daughter texting a shmendrik, she’ll find out – and tell. The Inquisinator a.k.a. Mrs. Piske has the ability to sniff out the truth during her intense interrogations. The Worrier a.k.a. Mrs. Shvitzer. She is a Jewish empath, who, whether your child is 15 minutes late or you had a slow season, will take on your anxieties and free you to frolic in Boca. The Bargainer a.k.a. Mrs. Chazzerwitz, who possesses four sets of eyes equipped with MapQuest, can find anything cheaper. Should Supershadchan (above) have a tough client, she can call upon The Yenta Patrol who will, for example, attach available men to the chains around the leather jackets at Armani in Barney’s until they agree to a date.
Baleboostagator: Stronger than a Super Swiffer, more powerful than a Bissell Power Brush, more courageous than a Clorox pellet, the Baeboostagator is determined to conquer dirt, mold, and mess in our lifetime! With each appendage a cleaning product capable of detecting a new microbe strain in the clean rooms at NASA, there’s nothing that gets by her – except her arch-enemy, The Schmutzik. From his home base in a swamp in Bangladesh, he has the ability to teleport filth up to 5000 miles. Each adventure is a showdown between the two. Can the Baleboostagator clean-up his putrid schmutz in time to prevent worldwide contamination – or will she plotz from the shtinkt !
The Mighty Mechutonim: This powerful duo, known to the world as M&Ms, are on a mission to make sure that no in-law can undo, change, or melt the years of work we put into our children. Should, God forbid, your daughter’s MIL suggest the couple spend the holidays with them, Poof! Using their gift of Guilt gift, your daughter’s head will bob as she spits pea soup and shrieks, thereby making the mechutonim think she’s meshugge and shut up with the suggestions. (Mark Burnett is now testing a reality show starring the M&Ms.)
Wholesaleman: Cherished Jewish hero, he puts back in people’s pockets what those over-priced department store goniffs (thieves) are stealing with their fancy-shmancy labels. Lightning fast with a needle, he not only copies the most exclusive looks, he sews in clever names should somebody peek at the collar of your knock-off shmatte. Some of his more popular “lines” include: Roberta Cavatelli, Louis Jourdan, Eva St. Laurant, Bill Blast, Norma Camal, Donatella Versailles, and Donna Carone. They can be found at places like the late Loehmann’s and special outlet Malls outside of Paramus. Word has it he may be thinking of retiring, as his biggest competitor, The Invisible Bulk (IVB), has risen to fight worldwide depression by creating giga-stores that sell everything from sump pumps to silk socks. All goods come in packages of at least 30. Although no one has ever seen him, it’s rumored the founder also started BuyBay and is a billionaire macher in Silicon Valley. The Financial Times of Sri Lanka reports that The IVB and Wholesaleman may join forces and form the mighty Line Yitzak Miszreppi – 45 sweaters for $14.99, or $16.99 … with the label.
Dr. Nu? Dressed in his trade white cat suit with question marks in blue, his unflagging ability to answer a question with a question has the power to drive even the toughest foes to fumfer (mumble) and eventually either tell the truth or experience piercing brain fag before passing out. Dr. Nu has been used by the highest government agencies in the U.S. and Israel with an almost perfect record – except in Finland. Fortunately we get along with the Finns. After all, what can you say about a country whose favorite expression is: “An empty barrel makes the most noise”? And how much can you milk a sauna anyway?
Imagine it! A world filled with even more Jewish Superheroes! Let your imaginations soar and send in ideas whether they are witty, or even half-wittyied!