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Myths and Facts about Dating

January 14, 2016 | by Aleeza Ben Shalom

Busting four prominent dating illusions.

1. MYTH: The external matters more than the internal.
FACT: The external does matter, but not more than the internal.

Many people do get rejected due to their “look.” So how can this actually be a myth? Of course first impressions are important, and yes, people do reject the external sometimes before ever seeing the internal. However, there is more to this story.

How many divorced beautiful women or handsome men do you meet? Many, right? If external beauty mattered more than internal beauty, then good-looking people wouldn’t get divorced.

Beautiful people become ugly because of what they say or who they are. They are objectively beautiful on the outside...until they open up their mouths. Or until you see a roll of their eyes which shows their lack of patience or understanding.

Or how about the reverse? How many happily married people do you know who you consider to be not good-looking? This sounds like a funny thing to say, but if the physical appearance mattered more than inside, then only the best-looking people would be in relationships.

What matters more in a relationship? Looks, or the ability to resolve conflict, the desire to give, patience, respect, loyalty and love? I would go so far as to say that even when talking about the externals, the most important part, even more than the clothes and the looks, is the body language. A smile from someone “ugly” is more beautiful than a scowl from a “beauty.”

Both the internal and the external matter. Your job is to find someone whom you value both inside and out. But the inside absolutely matters more in a relationship.

2. MYTH: Chemistry is either there or it isn’t.
FACT: Chemistry can grow.

How many times have you heard this? “If you’re not feeling a pull right away you never will, so it’s best to walk away quickly.” I also used to believe this.

But if chemistry were just a given, then it would never increase or decrease. Connection and love have the potential to increase. This means that chemistry can grow… even in cases where you don’t detect any at first.

In healthy relationships, chemistry grows (this is true in marriages too). A couple has the ability to strengthen their chemistry over time. Chemistry is a science and one must use the right formula to have success. Your effort + time are what allow you and the other person the ability to build a connection. Trial and error, and a dose of patience, is best to get it right.

Chemistry is not a binary. If you have someone wonderful, it’s worth exploring to see if there is something beyond your initial impression. It’s either there, not there, or not YET there! Give it a chance.

3. MYTH: I’m too picky.
FACT: You are allowed to have preferences.

Guess what? You have preferences and that’s NORMAL! I’m so glad you have preferences. It would be hard to figure out who was for you if you didn’t know what you liked and disliked. It’s good to have clarity about yourself and your wants, needs, goals and values.

If you are hearing a lot about pickiness, that can signal that you want contradicting things. If that’s the case, don’t panic. Take the time to figure out what you value in others. Then understand if what you want is what you need. Just because you want it, doesn’t mean you’ll like it or need it. For example, you may like spunky and fun, but that could mean someone may lack responsibility.

When you consider someone, look at your needs list first. Make sure many of your needs are being met before you go for your wants. This will help you to choose a relationship that will be good for you in the long term. You need to know what you prefer, and you also need to be able to let go of the contradictory things.

4. MYTH: A positive mindset about dating won’t change anything.
FACT: A positive mindset makes for a more positive experience.

Actually, a positive mindset has been proven to improve overall life and health. Patients who use the power of positive thinking heal faster than other patients. Positive people attract others more easily. Positive people tend to smile more and exude self-confidence, which is also more attractive. Yet we all fight our positive mindset at some point in order not to appear foolish or dreamy. We want to be realistic and know the statistics of what is possible. While I understand the desire not to appear foolish, it’s important to also remember that negative words, thoughts and emotions can derail you and bring out your worst self.

Thinking positive, as well as speaking in a positive fashion, will change your interactions with others and will help you in all of your relationships.

Choosing your marriage partner is the most important decision you will ever make. Take your time, date and be patient with the process.

May your internal and external beauty shine and may you learn how to build chemistry with the right person in the right time.


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