Life After the Miracle
Even with the answered prayers, it’s messy and wonderful and exciting and boring. It’s life – with all the ups and downs and unceasing challenges.
Five years ago I froze my eggs, wondering if I’d meet Mr. Right before my biological clock timed out.
Those eggs were never used and I’m changing more diapers than I ever imagined possible.
I was taking out “egg insurance” – an act of faith that if I met my guy later than hoped, we could still have children. I was showing God I meant business and was ‘putting the energy out there.’
Just over a year later I stood under the chuppah with my Mr. Right.
Was freezing my eggs the final action needed for God to say yes? I don’t know. I do know that it was one of many daily ways that I made my effort and left the rest in His hands. We are told that “God’s salvation comes in the blink of an eye” – and it does. It’s just that there were many unseen eye flutters that led to that ultimate blink.
My eggs are still in the freezer of a fertility clinic – just in case – and we’ve been blessed with two little ones. They are here. The yearnings of my heart are answered every day when I look around the table at my family. My prayers show up in cuddles and scraped knees.
Which brings me to my real question: what’s it like to live a miracle?
Living a miracle is what happens after the sound and light show, when the guests go home and the initial excitement fades.
I’d like to tell you it’s amazing every moment, that I never forget those lonely nights or how I promised I’d always be grateful. But that would be a lie. The truth is it’s messy and wonderful and exciting and boring. It’s life. It’s up and down and full of challenges – even here with all the answered prayers. Between diapers and sleep deprivation, my husband and I sometimes stop and marvel at how quickly life can change. There are times when we laugh and dance with our children asking: how did we get here? In this land of miracles (and unending laundry) it can feel overwhelming, even in all its goodness.
Living a miracle is what happens after the sound and light show, when the guests go home and the initial excitement fades. It’s sort of like what happened to the Jewish people after they left the oppression of Egypt. They reached Mount Sinai and experienced Divine revelation. They received the Torah, God’s manual for living – a massive, history-making aha moment. Much as I felt when I stood beneath the chuppah, suddenly understanding how all the years of struggle and effort were leading me to this moment, the Jewish people reached the zenith of connection and clarity. I mean God was right there telling them their mission in life! It doesn’t get any better than that. Surely such an experience would lead to a life of perpetual inspiration.
The Torah chronicles how the Jewish people continued to struggle as they journeyed to the Promised Land. They worried. They doubted their capacity. They had to learn a new way. The biblical laws and instructions following the Sinai experience are full of seemingly mundane details. How to settle the land, what to do about disputes, permissible and forbidden relationships. The step-by-step construction of the Tabernacle, the forerunner to the Temple, reads more like an IKEA manual than the exciting storylines of previous chapters. What’s going on? Aren’t they the people who stood at Mount Sinai and heard God speak?
Yes. And that’s exactly why the chapters follow with all the details.
Because that is how we live a miracle. We take the awareness and the vision we had and we plug it into the everyday. Yes, it’s much less exciting, but it’s much more enduring. It means thanking God even if, or perhaps especially when, we are tired, or weary or uncertain.
To have prayers answered is to arrive in a new place and then to do the work of integrating, of bringing holiness down to earth. To take the aha moments of life and remember that inspiring vision in the mundane details that follow.
Five years ago, I could not have fathomed the amazing blessings I am living. There would have been no way to explain the overwhelming feelings of love and awe that have poured out all at once. I’m curious to see what God has planned for the next five. But most importantly, I’m working on living miraculously, remembering that God isn’t just under the chuppah. We can touch the Divine during those midnight feeds, in the unending laundry and yes, through those eggs still in the freezer…because you just never know what God has in store.