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How to Help Jewish Singles

February 11, 2018 | by David Kilimnick

I am single, and no I am not looking for a “shidduch”.

I am single, and I am not looking for a “shidduch”. For those who don’t know, a “shidduch” is the way that the Jewish community tries to help single people find their match. But you know what Jewish community? Your matchmaking skills are a shanda.

So instead of setting us up, there are other ways you can help us feel good about ourselves. Here are a few ideas:

Help Single People With their Quality of Life

Don’t Sit Us at the Kids Table at Family Events

We are adults too. Just because we are not married, have no responsibilities and are selfish like little children, does not mean that we like sitting on tiny chairs that are meant for mourners to sit on. You can give us a normal size chair. And anyway, I add very little to the kid conversations, as I am not up on the latest episodes of Harry the Bunny.

I understand that the kiddies are single too. Even so, there is a large age gap, and I am sick of eating chicken fingers. I want steak.

Cook for Single People

When they leave your home, force the leftover chicken on them. They will thank you when you make a scene of it. Wacky Mac stops to taste good after three straight years of cheesy macaroni wheels for dinner. Do not feel bad. I have mastered the use of the microwave.

Help Single Guys Present Themselves

Clean their home and wash their clothes. You must do it for them. That is the only way to get rid of single guy smell.

Teach Single Guys How to Dress

We get used to comfort. Comfort has killed any chance I ever had to get married. For years, I have been walking around with my shirt untucked and pants that fit. I had no idea that my clothes are supposed to be extremely tight and hindering. I had no idea that women are attracted to guys that are always uncomfortable.

Don’t Look at Us Awkwardly

I know it can be hard to look at somebody who is well into their forties that has never been married, without shock. Try to hide the wonderment. Staring at me with a sympathetic shocked look of sadness doesn’t help me while I am trying to enjoy the family event, still sitting at the kids table.

Shidduch Methods Without Setting Us Up

You are going to try to set us up. You can’t help it. So here are some other methods you can use to help these people find their special someone.

Shabbat Meal

Much better than the shidduch. This is where you invite two single people to the meal who don’t know that they are supposed to meet even though everyone else does. Then, you stare at them and smile all dinner. If you glare at the two of them enough, they will realize that you invited them to meet each other. If they don’t catch on, you can hint with a ‘pass him some potatoes. I think he likes potatoes.’

Host a Singles Event for Non-Single People

Single people don’t meet at singles events. Nobody wants to meet somebody who showed up to the single event they are at. Why? Because nobody wants to meet a loser. That is pathetic. They will only meet if you let them know the singles event is for non-singles.

Call it a Young Professionals Event

Single people still haven’t figured out that “young professionals” means singles. Once somebody gets married they lose young status. A 32-year-old married person is older than a 32-year-old single person. That is the mathematics of it.

There are other ways of disguising a singles event. You can also call it a “fundraiser,” an “oneg Shabbat,” or a “show” where the musicians play three songs and then stop for the next hour and a half so people can meet.

Make the Singles Event Not Awkward

If you are hosting a singles event for non-single people that single people show up to, make it a positive. Play a game where the message is to embrace one’s singlehood, maybe even to feel good about it. Bring a bunch of cards and have all the single people play solitaire. Have them play it in unison, so it feels like a social event.

Encourage Single People to Talk

Single people are “looking to meet somebody.” Ask anyone of them, they will say, “I am looking to meet somebody.” They are not meeting. They are not talking. They are looking. Single people like looking. I myself am looking right now. No talking. Just looking.

You can encourage conversation by saying something like, “This is Noa.” Let them know the name. Name pronunciation is a good way to start off the single people. You have to ease them into the conversation about what their names are.

Don’t Scream Out in The Middle of Shul

No yelling into the women’s section “I’ve got a single man sitting next to me!” He will catch on. The congregation will catch on too.

Of course, the real goal is to get us married, so be sure to constantly remind us that we are single and getting older. If a single person is feeling good about themselves, their chances of meeting somebody are limited. I understand. Nonetheless, as weird as we men may look showing up to shul without a Tallis or women with a head covering, we just want to come off as normal people sometimes. We just want to sit at an adult table.

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