Free Spirit Vs. Authority

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My smart daughter got a free pass in school. How do I teach her to listen to authority as she enters the real world?

Dear Emuna,

My daughter is very bright but a bit of a free spirit. She chafes under authority and restriction and very much likes to be the master of her own schedule. Because she is so talented academically, her teachers and schools have given her a bit of a free pass. She hasn’t had to sit in a regular classroom very much (lots of independent study) and she hasn’t been subject to the standard discipline. In general this has been very good for her and led to productivity but now she is a senior in high school and I’m concerned about the future. Most colleges/future employers won’t give her this freedom. How can I teach her discipline and obedience to the sometimes capricious rule of authority?

Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned,

That is certainly a tough one. No one really likes to be subject to the authority of others and teenagers hate it most of all. You have an especially bright child who has been given a long leash and you want to rein her in. It’s not going to be easy. I think that your best bet is to play to her strength, her intellect. If she is as bright as you say, then she will understand when you explain that the way of the world requires that she put her in time, that she allow herself the growth and learning available in the college/employment of her choice while under someone else’s rule. She needs to appreciate that discipline and the ability to listen will actually equip her very well in the long run when she wants to fly alone.

Perhaps there are stories of her role models that illustrate this very point. It’s not going to be easy because she isn’t used to it – you yourself need to be clear that this is a process she needs to go through. As smart as she is, she is not yet a fully realized adult, she is not yet able to make all her choices based solely on her own reason, she is not yet able to dictate all the terms of her life. Recognizing that reality is crucial to her growth. Intellect is a gift but it is not the only one needed for success. In fact, for bright people, a little humility, a little subjugation to others, may produce a healthier, kinder, less self-centered human being. Keep in mind that this is for her own good.

My Unmotivated Husband

Dear Emuna,

My husband and I have different work styles. I am very get-up-and-go; he is very laid back. I over schedule; he under-schedules (from my perspective!). I am very driven to accomplish; he is more relaxed. Sometimes it’s a nice balance but lately it’s been driving me crazy. I just can’t seem to light a fire under him. To top it off he accuses me of being a workaholic. We aren’t sure how to resolve this. What do you suggest?

Motivated and Unmotivated

Dear Motivated,

From the wording of the letter and even from your signature, your prejudice is showing. You mention that “sometimes it’s a nice balance” but it’s clear you have forgotten that. Both you and your husband seem to think that each of your ways is the best and only one. This is of course a recipe for disharmony, not just with each other but with your children, if you have any, as well.

I assume that your children also run the gamut from the very motivated to the more laissez-faire (mine certainly do!). It would be a very grave parenting mistake to judge your children by the standard of your particular personality, suggesting that the more laid-back ones were somehow lacking. Just as we can appreciate that all of our children are different and that not only can we learn from their different approaches to life but we can’t make them what they’re not, the same is true with our spouse.

Instead of constantly being frustrated, it’s better to focus on what’s positive about your husband’s approach and what you can learn from it. Is it possible that you will both be healthier and happier with personalities that meet in the middle rather than taking rigid positions at the extremes? It’s not just that marriage is about compromise, marriage is about growing together, about moderation, about appreciation. Instead of focusing on the negative, focus on the positive, on the benefits of your spouse’s approach and how you could grow from it. It will change your marriage and ultimately all your relationships.

Night Owl Married to Early Bird

Dear Emuna,

I am a night owl. I don’t really come alive until around 9 in the evening and I could stay up until all hours working, surfing the web, cooking, cleaning…you name it. My husband, on the other hand, really symbolizes the “early to bed, early to rise” maxim. This is starting to interfere with our marriage in multiple ways. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to get into bed earlier and he claims that early morning is his most productive time so he doesn’t want to go to bed later. What do you suggest?

Betwixt and Between

Dear Betwixt,

Your dilemma is similar to the previous letter writer. You both have different styles, different approaches to your days and you both seem rigidly wedded to your way of being. This is not healthy for your marriage, as you are discovering. You need to find a way to meet in the middle.

This begins with an acknowledgment that there is neither a right nor a wrong way to be; they are just different. Each way has its advantages and disadvantages – but even though we categorize ourselves as a “night person” or a “day person”, the categories are flexible. And we should be as well. With good will, we can make slow, small changes in our approach and end up meeting in the middle. He can stay up an hour later; you can try going to bed an hour earlier – until you meet in the middle. You can also work on designating some nights as “late nights”, a Saturday night for example when you would like to go out and some nights as “early nights”, a Sunday night for example when you need to rest up for the work week ahead. It all depends on your motivation and desire. If you want to make this work you will.

We are not forever fated to be day or night people; we can change that just as we can change other qualities about ourselves. The first step is deciding that our marriage takes precedence over these ways of being. The next step is to work on doing something about it!! As always, when change is difficult, it helps to solicit the Almighty’s help. We can’t do it alone!

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