Passover’s Message of Hope in the Aftermath of Oct. 7
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A wide-ranging interview with star matchmaker and Aish.com columnist Aleeza Ben Shalom
“Finding your person is the hardest thing to do in the entire world. And that’s where I come in.”
This is what Jewish matchmaker Aleeza Ben Shalom proclaims in the trailer for the upcoming Netflix show, “Jewish Matchmaking.” It’s a spinoff of the hugely popular “Indian Matchmaking,” and follows Aish.com columnist Ben Shalom as she works with Jewish people from different backgrounds to help them find their bashert, their soulmate. The show premieres on the streaming service on May 3.
Ben Shalom, who is originally from Philadelphia and now lives in Israel, has helped over 200 couples get to the chuppah. With her show, she hopes to help people find love as well as bring about understanding of the ancient Jewish custom of matchmaking.
“Everyone – Jewish or not, religious or secular, old or young – can learn from it.”
“This process is an important thing for the world to see and understand,” she said. “I found a way to help singles not only on TV but in the real world too, by bringing my matchmaking, coaching tools and Jewish wisdom to the whole world. Everyone – Jewish or not, religious or secular, old or young – can learn from it.”
Aleeza Ben Shalom coaching a dater.
On “Jewish Matchmaking,” Ben Shalom helps a woman who feels the pressure to get married and have children, a Black Jew who says she is “the only one in Kansas that is a Jew of my color,” Orthodox Jews in their 20s, and an Israeli man who’s looking for love – just not with a vegan cat owner. The show was filmed all over Israel and the United States, from Jackson Hole, Wyoming to Pardes Hanna, Ben Shalom’s community in Israel.
“This is a show that portrays people at all different levels of practice and at all stages of their relationship with their Judaism and with God,” she said. “The show is a safe, fun place to experience and learn about Judaism. Jewish wisdom about dating can match up with reality TV because the wisdom is timeless.”
In the past few years, Netflix has been criticized for not portraying Orthodox Jews accurately or in a positive light, with shows like “Unorthodox,” “My Unorthodox Life” and “One of Us.” According to Ben Shalom, “Jewish Matchmaking” is different.
Does this Jewish couple get engaged?
“This show finds a balance between giving a positive portrayal of Jews on TV while being very real and authentic,” she said. “In my experience, Netflix went out of their way to be culturally sensitive.”
However, she notes that you can’t watch a few individual observant Jews and understand everything about the community.
“Viewers are going to learn about individuals who happen to be observant, not about observant Jewry as a monolith,” she said. “They will see me as a person who observes Torah, just one of millions of people who do, and also that I have a lot of fun and a sense of humor. We don't have to choose to either be in the world or be Jewish. I wish everyone in the world would understand it’s not one or the other, but both.”
When it comes to Jewish matchmaking, typically, a matchmaker will suggest two people whom they think would work well together. They send their resumes to the matchmaker and then go on a date. In the Orthodox world, couples may become engaged after a handful of dates and married soon after.
One of the participants on “Jewish Matchmaking” was Fay Brezel, an Orthodox Jewish woman who was familiar with the shidduch (matchmaking) system within her community. While at first she wanted to decline the opportunity to go on the show, once she consulted with a leading Orthodox rabbi, he gave her a surprising response.
“He believed I would be an appropriate representative for the Orthodox community and he gave me his blessing to participate,” she said.
Brezel’s primary intention was to show how beautiful it is to be an observant Jew. “It is my hope that people get an honest look at what it is like to be a religious dater in the Orthodox community and that they can see and appreciate the beauty our system offers while also respecting its imperfections,” she said.
Additionally, as a therapist and founder of OKclarity, a mental wellness website for Jews, she wanted to be a representative for observant singles.
“It was an honor for me to be able to represent and be the voice for religious singles, young and old, to help them feel less alone and more alive,” she said.
Brezel didn’t say what happened on the show, but it’s clear that traditional Jewish matchmaking works. Aside from using it to set up hundreds of people, if it weren’t for Jewish matchmaking, Ben Shalom might not be with her husband Gershon.
“We met at a Jewish retreat, but we actually brought in a matchmaker, my husband’s rabbi, Rabbi Michael Stern, of blessed memory, to guide us through the process of dating,” she said.
Ben Shalom didn’t grow up observant. She started seeking religious Judaism in her 20s, and shortly after that, she married Gershon. They’ve been together over 20 years and are proud parents of five children and their dog, Koda the Kelev.
She got involved in the show thanks to a matchmaker she trained. The other matchmaker called her and said, “Aleeza, someone asked me to interview to be part of a matchmaking show. I don’t want to do it… but you’re great on camera and I think you would be fantastic!”
“So basically, a matchmaker made my match with the show,” she said.
Once Ben Shalom signed on, she had a request: she wanted an Orthodox Jewish producer as well to ensure that her community was correctly portrayed. Ronit Polin, a religious producer, became involved with the show. From pre- to post-production, she gave insights into the Orthodox Jewish culture and sat in on every meeting to make sure that the team understood all the aspects of the culture, beliefs, and laws relevant to the show.
No one is a caricature and there are no stereotypes. This is a first in reality TV, and frankly a triumph.
“Not all the participants are observant, but they’re all portrayed positively and they’re all proudly Jewish,” she said. “No one is a caricature and there are no stereotypes. This is a first in reality TV, and frankly a triumph.”
When people watch “Jewish Matchmaking,” they might be inspired to set up two friends and try to make a shidduch. Ben Shalom thinks anybody can attempt it, and has only one rule: don’t be rude or pushy.
“Be empathetic and gentle and loving towards people who are searching for their soulmate,” she said. “It is the hardest thing in the world to do, and we must approach it with tremendous kindness.”
As an observant Jew, Ben Shalom knows that God is the ultimate matchmaker, and she helps people find each other.
“One core tenet of my belief is that I believe that everybody has a soulmate,” she said. “In the blueprint of creation, God sent into the world you and your soulmate. It is a big game of Where’s Waldo to search for them and find them. A big part of my faith is the belief that everyone’s person exists. “
She continued, “I also believe in the Jewish edict that when God gives you a gift, you have an obligation to share it. For me, matchmaking is my gift from above, and it is my greatest honor to share it widely with the world.”
