About the Author

Mordechai Schmutter

Mordechai Schmutter writes a weekly and a bi-weekly humor column for Hamodia and a comic strip for The Brooklyn Family Pages of Brooklyn. He is also the author of the books, Don’t Yell “Challah” in a Crowded Matzah Bakery, A Clever Title Goes Here, This Side Up, Cholent Mix, What Is This - Some Kind of Joke?, and For This I Had to Grow Up? all published by Israel Book Shop. In his spare time, which doesn't exist, he attempts to teach Language Arts to a bunch of high school guys, most of whom are far more interested in bombarding him with reasons not to impart them with knowledge that their parents already paid for. He is also available to do stand-up comedy. He lives in New Jersey for some reason.

How to Sleep in the Sukkah

With a little preparation and the right kind of weapon, anyone can sleep in the sukkah!

Coronavirus Questions

Do masks work? Should you go to shul? Should you send your kids to Israel? Mordechai tells all!

Distanced Learning

My advice to parents who are suddenly vice principals of schools at home.

Jewish Tips for Your Doctor Visit

It’s important to know your family medical history, which is why your mother wants you to call a few times a week.

How to Spot a Jewish Family on Vacation

They have enough luggage for a family making Aliyah…

What is Going on at Camp?

Since our kids don’t write home, here are my guesses as to what’s happening at camp.

The Jewish Camp Newsletter

Here’s what we did in camp this week, in case your kid insists he did “nothing.”

Ask Mordechai

I’m making a bris for my son who has no name yet. Do I have to give a speech?

The ABC’s of Dreidel

This is how I roll.

Leftovers Exchange Program

“I love my wife, but I’m so sick of leftovers. What should I do?”

Sukkah Q & A

People need advice for Sukkot. Jewish men are building houses, keeping plants alive, and dancing in public, none of which they know how to do.

New Emojis: I Second that Emotion

Here are a bunch of new emojis you’ll use every day.

Should I Dress Up on Purim?

No, one size does NOT fit all!

Get Out the Vote

There are benefits to voting that I bet you didn’t even consider.

Back to School Pop Quiz

Class, complete the sentence: “If I get to class and Mr. Schmutter isn’t there…”


Don’t you get annoyed when people want to point out that you said something stupid and say, “Hellllooooo?!?!”

Close Quarters

Our kids keep getting bigger, but our house doesn’t.

Sign Language

As an English teacher at a Jewish high-school, I am witnessing firsthand the demise of cursive. And I couldn’t be happier.

The 25 Weirdest Menorahs You’ve Ever Seen

Here are some menorahs that might turn a few heads – to the extent that you might cause traffic accidents.

Testing 1-2-3

We teachers give you tests primarily because we hate you. There, I said it.

A Tight Fit

“You might be happier in portly,” the suit salesman told me. What exactly does that mean?

It’s Not For You

It’s tough, being a work-at-home husband.

Straight Trippin’

Some fun ideas to do with your family during Sukkot.

The Grass is Greener

The summer’s not over yet which means you still have time to perfect that lawn. Here are my tips.

Glasses Half Broken

Can someone please come up with a better alternative than letting kids wear glasses? They’re expensive, delicate and made out of glass!

Meeting New People

I was never really good at meeting new people. After all, what’s the point?

Basket Case

I’m terrible at sports, but my team always wins. They play their best to compensate for me.

Selfies: Take a Look at Yourself

Who needs 80 million pictures of themselves?

The Time My Family Got a Gerbil

My son, Daniel, came home with a gerbil the other day. These kids pick up the weirdest things in school.

Mordechai’s Mailbag: Answers to your Passover Questions

Q: I’m cleaning out my kitchen, and I found two slices of frozen pizza. Should I split up the two slices among my 8 kids, or go to the store and buy MORE pizza so no one will feel left out?

Speak Up

I am afraid of public speaking, which doesn’t help my career as a part-time standup comedian.

Purim Candy Field Guide

Purim is the holy holiday of candy – allow me to prepare you.

Flu-Like Symptoms

It’s flu-season and my kids are really starting to take advantage.

Back in Pain

I’ve got back pain so I guess that means mazal tov to me, I am old now.

Mordechai’s Chanukah Gift Guide

How about the Back-Scratch Shirt which comes with a grid on the back, like in battleship, so you can direct the scratcher to the specific itch with lightening precision.

Through the Roof

Today’s topic: how to save on home-heating costs.

Losing Sleep

When I go to sleep I’m out like a light. My wife though takes a bit longer and then blames me for it, like there’s a certain amount of sleep to go around, and I’m using all of it up.

7 Things School Teaches Kids About Real Life

As a teacher my students always ask me what school teaches them about real life. Here’s what.

Traveling Light

Gas prices keep going up. Here are my tips to keep your costs down.

Car Talk

We’re in the market for a new car. This is not going to be fun.

Stuck On You

Here’s a sure fire tip if you want to be remembered for posterity: do something really embarrassing. Humanity promises not to forget.

Put Me In Coach!

A manual to coaching Little League, or in my case, Yiddle League.

Pain in the Mouth

God has given me perfect health, but to make up for it, I have really bad teeth. Really bad.

Baby Talk

Ever wonder what that 1 year old is saying? Let me explain.


I am obsessed with eating food that was cooked, at the very least, that week.

Passover Q and A

Yes, Cheerios were invented by anti-Semites who totally don’t care about Pesach.

Sounds Strange

Some of the expressions we use sound like they were coined by someone who doesn’t actually speak English.

Sounds Strange

Some of the expressions we use sound like they were coined by someone who doesn’t actually speak English.


Time for a Mohel


Who Wants Tablets?

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