> Jewlarious > Funny Stuff

Apology APPccepted

September 24, 2017 | by Zechariah Saltman

Introducing the pre-Yom Kippur APP!

Texting before Yom Kippur can lead a person to major, relationship related anxieties. When you text, you naturally think of your friends and acquaintances and because it’s almost Yom Kippur you begin to count how many of them you offended and worry about all those hours you need to invest in preparing appropriate apologies, which subsequently leaves you obsessing about the next obvious, mortifying, social dilemma;

I have provided an apology template below for you to customize

“Will you still have time to text?”

Fortunately, I have recently discovered that a number of APP developers and a few top psychologists have collaborated to design an APP that will take care of the whole forgiveness process from start to finish, without you having to lift a finger.

I hereby give you the Apology APP©;

Immediately, after you upload the APP to your phone, it will send out the following personalized text message to all of your contacts;

Dear Parent, Sibling, Friend, Wrong Number, Cleaning Lady, Poison Control or one of my other 557 contacts,

You are and always have been very dear to me. I hope that we remain an active part of each other’s lives and continue to grow closer and closer as the years progress. Unless of course, you are the Hatzolah dispatcher.

As the Day of Judgement approaches I can’t help but wonder if there was anything I did this past year that may have hurt or offended you. For me to even presume that I possess the right words to mend your heart would be insensitive on my part, which is why I have provided an apology template below for you to customize as you wish;

Apology Template



Feel free to customize the apology template with any of the words in the word box located below.

Word Box



Do you forgive me?


If you don’t forgive me, I assume you are extremely angry at me. Hopefully ‘extremely’ angry is the highest level of anger you are capable of feeling towards me. Especially, because I just realized I’m about to apologize through the premium version of the Apology APP, that will require you to provide your credit card information. Don’t worry though, as long as you forgive me your card won’t be charged.

Apology APP Premium Version

Please provide your credit card information

Please clarify exactly what it was that I did to you, by selecting one or more of the options below;

  1. Something Pharaoh would do.
  2. Something Haman would do.
  3. Something way worse then what Pharaoh and Haman were ever capable of, even if they both put their heads together.
  4. Other.

Let’s spend some time working through your personal feelings so you feel fully validated. How did whatever it was that I did to you make you feel?


If for some unknown reason you experienced feelings that don’t fit into any of the previous categories, please describe them in depth below.

Sorry, you have reached you’re one sentence limit. Here’s an idea; write out all your feelings on a piece of paper and fit the worst ones into one sentence. After all, no one likes a drama queen (LOL!).

I am truly sorry that I made you feel some unhappy human emotion; please accept one of the following as my sincere apology. Please click on the apology that best suits you;

Heartfelt Apologies

ISIRUL (I’m sorry I ruined your life)

I’m just God’s Messenger.

IWNPIJHACORBATPY (It Was Nothing Personal I Just Had A Case Of Really Bad Allergies This Past Year.)

Practical Apologies

Forgiveness is second to Godliness.

Time is the biggest healer.

FYI, If you forgive me, Hashem will forgive you. And boy, do you need it!

At the end of the day didn’t I make you tougher?

I’m sorry but you make a really good victim.

Humorous Apologies

I’m sorry you’re so sensitive.

One day we will both look back and laugh.

You’re the only one losing sleep over this. It’s very possible I’m sleeping at this exact moment. Don’t forget, this is an APP.

How would you prefer me to act towards you in the future?

Never do what I did to you ever again.

If you don’t remind me not to in 6 months, I can continue until you tell me to stop.

On Purim, when you are too drunk to remember what I said or if you never find out, I can do whatever I want.

I have done everything within this APP’s capability to ask you for forgiveness. Depending on how you are feeling at this point of time please choose an appropriate response from the following 4 diverse choices;

  1. I forgive you with a full heart.
  2. No worries.
  3. Already forgotten.
  4. I have never been more upset in my entire life!

We apologize, option 4 is temporarily unavailable. But please bear with us, it should be up and running no later than next Yom Kippur.

🤯 ⇐ That's you after reading our weekly email.

Our weekly email is chock full of interesting and relevant insights into Jewish history, food, philosophy, current events, holidays and more.
Sign up now. Impress your friends with how much you know.
We will never share your email address and you can unsubscribe in a single click.
linkedin facebook pinterest youtube rss twitter instagram facebook-blank rss-blank linkedin-blank pinterest youtube twitter instagram