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An Open letter to Kim Jung Un

December 28, 2014 | by Shmuel Savage

Sony may be afraid of you, but Jewlarious is not.

Dear Kim,

(I think you put your last name first, or do I call you "Jung"? Or is it "Un"? It can’t be "Un," can it? Maybe it is just "Kim"? I am not sure, but Jewlarious provides a comment section below for you to let me know.)

I am ready to do hand to hand combat with you, Kim Jung Un.

Last week, Sony "Neville Chamberlained" to your regime in a manner unseen since....well...Neville Chamberlain. Newsflash, Jung-un: Sony may be afraid of you, but Jewlarious is not. You inherited one of the most repressive regimes on earth and then repressed it even more by making every Kim change his/her name and I am still not scared of you. (Thankfully, Kim Fields of “Facts of Life” mega-fame was already going by "Tootie" and did not have to make the switch). Anyway, we at Jewlarious and I, Shmuel Savage, am ready to do hand to hand combat with you, Kim Jung Un. That isn’t meant figuratively. I will throw down with you anytime. Here is my personal address for you or for that sake any North Korean assassin who dares to show up at my door:

Shmuel Savage
C/O Katie Holmes
250 West 7th Street
New York, NY 10001

Un, Someone has to defend Jewish-Canadian comic, Seth Rogen and whatever James Franco is, or claims to be, from you, your cronies and your hackers. Why not another satirist? Why not Shmuel? Sure, I may be a little sluggish after consuming 35 pounds of latkes and fourteen sufganiyot in the last eight days, but I am confident that I can withstand any assault by the “supreme leader.” In fact, my stomach is sufficiently hardened that I can take any punch from you, but I am giving you fair warning, if you punch superhard, you just might get jelly projectile all over your face.

I am so serious about battling you that I will goad you and your cybergoons: I personally urge you to hack my computer. In fact, I don’t even want your cryptographers to waste any time -- my password is Password123. Within my computer, you will be able to do all of the damage you want - you can change my Pandora playlist from “easy listening” to “Puerto Rico.” You can deplete my savings account from $237 to -$50, because my bank allows for small overdrafts.

And, if you dig deeply enough into the bowels of my 2009 MacBook Air, you will see that I did not even get a second date with Haviva Hertzberg. Yes, I spilled ketchup on her while trying to push the bill her way, before the entrées had arrived. It wasn’t my finest moment, but I am not ashamed of it, largely because I already lived the shame when Haviva posted extensively about it on various forms of social media last fall. (Why would she feel it necessary to post about it on Linkedin?)

Jung, we have an asymmetry of forces here. You are a general in your own army and you have nuclear weapons. I don't have the funds to order General Tao’s chicken and my greatest weapon is the whirly-blade in an unopened Cuisinart that Bubbe Savage got me as a housewarming gift four years ago. You may think that I am woefully unprepared to fight you, but I ask you this, General Jung-un, how are you going to get that nuclear weapon through my front door?

I have taken the time to read up on you, Kim. I know that you love basketball and Jackie Chan. Well, do you know what I like? I like South Korea. I like workaholics, kimchi and female golfers. So, here is my ultimatum, if you don’t find me in the next ten days, I will be making my way through the demilitarized zone and I will find you in one of your 14 palaces. And, I will kick your behind all the way to that little Kombucha place you like in north Pyongyang. Then I will make you watch The Interview.

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