jPad

For centuries, philosophers and scholars have argued and debated over the question – must there be a Jewish version of everything? Personally, I think the debate is entirely unnecessary. If you’ve ever endured a non-Jewish deli (with rye bread that looks like Wonder Bread with rye seeds glued on), experienced an Episcopalian attempting to play Tevye in “Fiddler On the Roof,” or met a married couple over 65 who did not reside in Florida – yes, there obviously needs to be a Jewish version of everything.

Yes, there needs to be a Jewish version of everything.

Now that Apple’s new iPad tablet has taken the computer world by storm, it was only a matter of time, then, before some enterprising Jewish tech-head created its Hebraic equivalent. Rejoice, fellow Jeeks (Jewish geeks)! That day has now arrived. Apple’s Israeli division, Orange, has just announced the introduction of its new Jewish tablet computer – the jPad, due for release this Summer.

No longer must we feel compelled to use the same tablet computer that every other Catholic, Protestant and Buddhist is using. We now have one that addresses the needs, lifestyle, background, and attributes of our Jewish community. And while it may not be Moses’s Twin Tablets, I think you’ll agree that it is absolutely Hebraic in every sense of the word.

Here’s an inside look at some of the jPad’s impressive features:

jTorah

No more having to lug that bulky Torah scroll around. The entire contents of the Torah; that’s right, all five Books of Moses, the entirety of Judaism’s founding legal and ethical religious texts, plus thousands of years of commentary, fit easily and conveniently on the jPad. Optional accessory: protective jArk case.

jBagel

Out in the park reading the jTorah on your jPad and feeling hungry? No need to interrupt your intense study. The jPad’s advanced, state-of-the-art heating unit comprises the heart and soul of the jBagel’s technology. Perfectly prepared bagels, bialies and pletzels are easier than saying, “Next year in Jerusalem.” Something to top them? Try the jBagel’s refrigerated jShmear application which offers you choices of blueberry, garden veggie or garlic-herb shmears.

jMail

Not only can you read your email on the jPad, but also that of your children, friends, relatives and any celebrities of your choosing. Privacy violation? Shmivacy violation! jMail is a busybody’s dream! Gone are the days when you’re the last to know your daughter and her husband Stan are expecting, your friend Linda has been holding a 12 year grudge against you, or that Dr. Phil enjoys relaxing in women’s clothing on the weekends. It’s all here!

jMusic

You’d expect the jPad to focus on offering Jewish music and boy does it! You’ll get the most Hebraic tunes from all eras and genres, even obscure rarities, ranging from the Vienna Boys Choir’s rendition of “Ma Nishtana,” to Al Jolson’s “Yidishe Ma'me,” to the rare version of “If I Were a Rich Man,” sung by Jackie Mason. A special jKaraoke attachment makes it possible to host your own Jewish karaoke party for all the musical Chosen People in your life.

jBooks

Like the iPad, the jPad features a very capable eBook reader. But in order to find the book we want to read, do we Jews really need to scroll through hundreds of titles such as: “Surprised by Truth: 11 Converts Give the Biblical and Historical Reasons for Becoming Catholic,” “Postmodern Children's Ministry: Ministry to Children in the 21st Century Church,” and “What the Buddha Taught: Revised and Expanded Edition with Texts from Suttas and Dhammapada”? We do not. So you won’t find them on your jPad. But you will find: “Outwitting History: The Amazing Adventures of a Man Who Rescued a Million Yiddish Books,” “Jews on the Frontier: An Account of Jewish Pioneers and Settlers in Early America,” and, of course, “Portnoy’s Complaint.”

Note where each contact has disappointed you, forgotten things, and offended you.

jContacts

With Apple’s iPad, you can link a photo to a name, so you can find someone at a glance, add an email address so you can send a message with a tap, and add birthdays, anniversaries, and important notes to any contact. Orange’s jPad takes it several important steps further. There are entire sections for each contact where you can add the times they’ve disappointed you, forgotten things, and offended you. Anyone who has made you cry, insulted you or hurt you in any way can be coded for quick and easy retrieval or deletion. If they have not contacted you in over a month, the jPad will automatically send them a “Shalom – what am I, chopped liver!?” message, encouraging them to either reply or state a believable reason why they can’t.

Apps

Apple’s iPad features over a thousand applications made just for the iPad, with more coming out every day. So does Orange’s jPad. But here’s the difference: the iPad features apps such as Elements, in which you can, “Discover the 118 elements of the Periodic Table up close on the large iPad screen. Flick to rotate 360 degrees and inspect each one. Then read the element’s story. You’ll learn its origins, how it was discovered, and its significance in the universe.” Feh. The Periodic Table bored us silly in school, and won’t be any more interesting just because it’s rotating. Check out one of jPad’s apps, in comparison: “In the jPad app Scents, you’ll be able to recreate the aroma of your Bubby’s home, selecting the exact foods cooking on her stove, the smell of her clothing, even her perfume or sweat type.” Now that’s an app!

Tech Support

Every iPad comes with complimentary telephone technical support within 90 days of your iPad purchase. After the 90 days, you’re on your own. With jPad, however, you get tech support for life, whether you want it or not. In fact, you don’t even have to call; one of jPad’s Jewish Mother Eternal Care Tech Specialist Team members will call you every day to make sure that everything is okay. And, by “everything,” that means not just with your jPad, but with your health, relationships, job, spiritual growth and anything else of concern. For those who need extra motivation or encouragement, an optional, add-on Nagging Application can be programmed to go off at any pre-set intervals, with a choice of voices and guilt factors.