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My Very First Article

January 21, 2010 | by Mordechai Schmutter

Ever wonder what a baby’s journal might look like? Well here’s your answer.

I recently came across the very first humor article that I ever wrote. It seems to be in journal form. I’m so glad I’ve matured since then.

Anyway, here goes:

Let’s see: First I was born -- that’s always a big deal

DAY 1: Whew, what a long day! Let’s see: First I was born -- that’s always a big deal, and then I met this older couple – older than me, anyway. The man looks a little like me, but hairier, and his wife looks – well, she looks tired. (I think I might be their first, because the man seemed afraid that he was going to drop me.) I also got to meet my doctor, and a whole slew of nurses, and the guy who cleans the delivery room. The nurses gave me a free hat – in blue, that’s just my color, plus I got this bracelet with all of my information on it. I wish I knew what it said. I’m going to find out if any of these other babies knows how to read.

DAY 2: Still tired from the move. There’s not much to do here, plus they’ve got me all bundled up in a blanket. And when am I getting some pants? I tried crying for them earlier, but the nurses didn’t seem to understand me. Some professionals they are. Mommy said we were going to go for a walk, but she ended up just pushing my bed around the hospital. Am I some kind of prisoner here? I don’t even remember doing anything. Why is there a theft tag around my ankle? Oops, I think it just fell off again.

DAY 3: I finally got some pants. They came with socks already attached. I think this means we’re going home. The nurses tell Mommy that we can leave as soon as they process her paperwork, which should take about five or ten minutes. Mommy says that she wasn’t born yesterday. Neither was I!

DAY 4: I went to shul for the first time today. They made me sit in the women’s section, which I didn’t like, because I wanted to bentch gomel (make a blessing of thanksgiving).

DAY 5: I am officially the cutest baby ever. This has been confirmed by both of my parents and at least two aunts. But I sure wish everyone would stop squeezing me so much.

DAY 6: Got a sponge bath today. DaddyDaddy bought me a towel with a hood on it. I guess that’s in case I go outside in my towel, and it starts raining.

DAY 7: Mommy and Daddy seem very busy today. They’re buying bagels, setting up platters, and cutting melons. They even bought me a yarmulka that ties under my chin. How come Daddy’s yarmulka doesn’t tie under his chin? Also, a Rabbi came by and said Shema with me, and he got a bag of candy. I think we’re having some kind of party tomorrow.

DAY 8: Oh.

DAY 10: Still tired from the party. I’ve never had so much wine in my life. That was a good napkin. Did anyone catch my name? I didn’t hear it; I was screaming the whole time. And no one is actually using it; they’re still calling me “the baby”. I guess I’ll find out the first time I get an aliyah.

DAY 11: Someone put a bear in my crib that’s twice my size, and they wonder why I spend half the night screaming.

DAY 12: I think I like this middle-of-the-night feeding thing. I get my parents all to myself, and they have no distractions or anything. I’m going to have to do this more often.

DAY 13: I lost my belly button thingy. Seriously. I have no idea where it is. I’d retrace my steps, but I haven’t taken any. Who would steal a belly button thingy? I hope my belly button still works without it.

DAY 14: Everyone talks to me like I’m mentally challenged. What exactly is a “Googoo gaga”?

DAY 15: “Hi” is another big word for grownups. “Hi.” “Hi.” “Hi.” Okay, I get it. Can we move on?

DAY 16: And what’s with this rattle they keep waving in my face? That can get annoying. Are those beans inside that thing? As soon as I learn to crawl, I’m going to crack that thing open and eat the beans.

DAY 17: I think I’m getting bigger. I just went up a size. I suspect it’s because I drink so much and never really get exercise. I need to get an exersaucer.

DAY 18: What exactly is in formula? Why does it smell like that? What’s with the aftertaste? Personally, I prefer kiddush wine.

DAY 19: Mommy taught me a new song. It’s called “Rock-a-Bye Baby”. It’s about a baby in a cradle hanging from a tree branch on a windy day, and it doesn’t end well. And now I’m supposed to fall asleep?

DAY 20: Daddy put me on the phone with Bubby today. I didn’t say much, but she didn’t exactly say anything of note, either. She basically said “Hi” a lot, and then asked me, “Who’s my little bubbeleh?” I don’t know, Bubby, I haven’t been around the block enough times. Why don’t you tell me, so I know what to answer next time?

DAY 21: Mommy and I went to the doctor. Mommy drove. The doctor examined me, and then asked her if I respond normally to sounds. I didn’t hear what she answered, because I was busy listening to the people talking in the next room, and to the car backfiring outside. The latter scared me, so I started crying, and no one knew why. Maybe the adults should get their hearing checked. After that, the doctor gave me a shot, and remarked about how well I’d behaved. Of course I behaved. When I saw the huge needle in your hand, I had no idea you were going to lunge at me with it. I haven’t been around the block yet, remember? Next time, you bet I’m going to cry. I may even spit up on your shoes. But I got a Snoopy band-aid, so everything makes sense again.

DAY 22: My parents put a lot of toys in my crib to keep me busy. Busy busy busy. I hardly have time for writing anymore.

DAY 25: I learned how to hold my own head up today. There’s not much to it. It’s like riding a bike.

DAY 26: Spent a lot of the day crying. No one knew why. They kept passing me back and forth: “Is he hungry?” “Is he tired?” “Does he need a diaper?” No. I need a cookie.

DAY 27: Daddy gave me a pacifier. I tried sucking, but there was nothing in it. It’s like that time I tried sucking my thumb. There was nothing in that, either.

DAY 28: I finally went for a walk around the block. It’s overrated. I don’t know anything now that I did not know before that isn’t loshon hora(gossip).

DAY 29: More platters. It looks like we’re getting ready for another party. Hmm.

DAY 30: Turns out one of those platters was for me. I now officially have a last name too, although I didn’t get to hear it, because I was busy putting sugar cubes in my mouth.

DAY 31: All in all, even though not everything my parents do is completely logical to me right now, the main thing is that they mean well, and they always have my best interests at heart. Maybe instead of trying to second-guess them at every turn, I should at least try to humor them. After all, they did bring me into this world.

DAY 32: Googoo gaga.

Excerpted from the book, A Clever Title Goes Here, by Mordechai Schmutter available here.

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