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Blogowitz #4

September 17, 2009 | by

Hanoi Jane or Hamas Jane?

It's the High Holiday season, a time for family, prayer, and introspection. Apparently, it's also a time for the anti-Semites of the world to come out of the woodwork! Has anybody been following what's going on? If not, as always, we at Jewlarious are on the case...

He writes reports decrying Israeli human rights abuses while sleeping with a Joseph Goebbels teddy bear.

If it looks like an anti-Semite and quacks like an anti-Semite...

Many in the Jewish community have looked at all of these "human rights groups" who castigate Israel for "war crimes" while thinking Hamas are a bunch of little school girls with suspicion. We always thought the only way to explain their one sided reports was anti-Semitism, but we never had any proof. Until now. Marc Garlasco, an employee at Human Rights Watch as been outed as an avid collector of Nazi memorabilia. Think of it – he's written reports decrying Israeli human rights abuses, and also sleeps with a Joseph Goebbels teddy bear – how could he not be impartial? In his defence, Garlasco says he is just a "war geek" who likes collecting Nazi paraphernalia. If we recall correctly, we know of a similar war geek. His name was Hitler.

Hanoi Jane or Hamas Jane?

A group of actors, directors and writers including Jane Fonda and Danny Glover boycotted the Toronto International Film Festival because the program included some films celebrating the city of Tel Aviv's centennial. Rabbi Marvin Hier, who lives in Los Angeles, flew to Toronto, held a press conference and said, "By calling into question the legitimacy of Tel Aviv, they are supporting a one-state solution, which means the destruction of the State of Israel... If every city in the Middle East would be as culturally diverse, as open to freedom of expression as Tel Aviv is, then peace would long have come to the Middle East." Oh SNAP! Is it us, or is Rabbi Hier the closest thing we Jews have to a superhero? He should have his own comic book: watch out anti-Semitic villains! If you oppress the chosen people, SuperRabbi is going to fly into town, call a press conference and issue a strongly worded statement!

Harvesting Meatballs

By now you have probably heard about allegations made in Sweden's number one news daily Aftonbladet that the Israeli army is kidnapping Palestinians to harvest their organs. The country's foreign minister refused to condemn the ridiculous report citing Sweden's right to a free press. Right. And we're sure Swedish politicians were encouraging the same freedom of the press during the infamous Mohamed cartoon crisis back in 2005. What do we Jews have to do to get a little international respect? Set fire to some embassies and blow up some planes? Better yet, why don't we actually help Sweden with a domestic organ harvesting program? Sounds like they could use some BRAIN TRANSPLANTS!

Alright, enough depressing news. Let's end on a happy note...

Bark Mitzvah

You are a rabbi. Your name is Rabbi Benny Zippel. You are thinking about moving to Salt Lake City Utah. When you think of all of the possible problems you might have, being heckled by a dog while blowing shofar is probably not one of them. The truth us, Rabbi Zippel has done all of us jokesters a great service. Because the next time someone tells us a joke about a Jewish dog we won't have to suspend our disbelief when we hear the punch lines. For fun, here's a quick smattering of Jewish dog joke punch lines. Feel free to add your own: ]

  • You tell him – he wants to be a doctor
  • Why didn't you say your dog was Jewish?
  • said fetch not kvetch!
  • Don't worry, think about the odds we'll have on Yom Kippur

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