Let's turn our attention to the "quizzical" world of Yiddishkeit!
We recently offered you the opportunity to "come on down" (OK, sitting is good, too) and TEST YOUR YIDDISHKEIT with our YIDDISHE QUIZ. Some of you showed "genius," and the rest, of course, were gifted. Ah, but was it a fluke? A serendipitous event? Are you merely a one-trick maven? Let's find out as we once again turn our attention to the "quizzical" world of Yiddishkeit!
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1. YTC, the "Yiddish Television Company" has decided to do a Jewish remake of an entertainment show that reflects well upon our heritage: Yiddish Mission: Impossible. But, in keeping with the "mission" of the show, a name change is in order. Which is the best, most accurate title?
ANSWER: (a) SCENE ONE, FIRST EPISODE: "Shalom, Mr. Mandelbaum. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to convince David Duke to change his name to Dukovsky, buy only glatt kosher, and make a sizeable donation to Hadassah. It is essential this be done over a glass tea. Should any member of your team be caught, the Secretary won't know from you. And Mr. Mandelbaum, the next time you take a steam bath – please don't bring this machine – it's not schvitz-proof. This message will self-destruct in five seconds."
"Oy" says Mandelbaum. "A mission like this? Doomed! Lost! Farfalen!
An umglick, on the other hand ... is the loser who produced Yiddish Mission: Farfalen
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2. Today hip-hop has extended far beyond Black members of "da hood." Now, "da hood" could be anywhere from Harlem to Jerusalem. In fact, Jews were among the first non-Black hip hop artists taking on names they consider to be socially relevant. Which is the name of a real Yiddishe hip hop group?
ANSWER: (a) OK, "Solomon" we Jews over 40 "farshtay." But "Socalled?" He's Josh Dolgin, 31, and Montreal's leading mixer of klezmer and hip hop, rapping in Yiddish to a shtetl groove. Despite a childhood in Ottawa instead of say, a member of the underclass in a South Bronx ghetto, his burning funky musical question? "Where am I from? What's my crew? Who are my peeps?" Oh ... and there's "funk" Plenty of funk and so-called. The first rap he wrote, was "The Jew Funk." Another, "The Socalled Seder." Other Jewish rappers and groups include Sago 59, A7, Remedy, Antithesis, squad, Made E, and the Hip Hop Hoodoos, a Latino Jewish rap group. "Gaiting Tribe," however, is pure invention.
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3. Yiddish and words derived from Hebrew, is rife with such color, nuance, and emotion, that English-speakers (with lots of help from the master, Leo Rosten) from the wilds of Canada to Mormons in Utah, might be heard uttering "chutzpah," "oy," "bupkes," or "Alright, already!" Which word's slang meaning has been used most often professionally, by journalists?
ANSWER: (a) Megillah, from Hebrew, means "scroll." It most often refers to the Purim reading of the long and detailed Book of Esther. So American Jews started using "gantse Megillah" (a whole/big deal) wryly, to refer to anything complicated, that goes on ... and on. (Your sister, the mouthy "maven," turns everything into a mini-series or makes a big Megillah.) It went "secular" in the 1950s, starting in show biz, and added yet another meaning -- "the whole thing" -- in 1971 thanks to the TV's Laugh-In. Now, it's even used by news media.
"Tsimmis," that yum yum casserole of meat, sweet potatoes, carrots, and prunes, in slang, means "fuss." Also adopted by many Americans of all stripes, and at times, could be substituted for Megillah – as in "Stop making such a tsimmis out of making ... tsimmis" – it's still more ethnic.
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4. Neighbor #1 tells the widow Goldberg a widower from Russia moved into the apartment building. "You might be interested to know, darling, he's a yid (pronounced "yeed"). In the lobby, Mrs. Goldberg overhears neighbor #2 telling the building manager, "Another Yid (rhyming with "did") moved into building." Which neighbor deserves a sock in the punim (face)?!
ANSWER: (b) Neighbor. But according to Leo Rosten, "Yid," pronounced "YEED," is simply the word used by Yiddish speakers to refer to Jews. But ... "YID" as in "DID," is offensive. On occasion, Jews will use it for effect. For example, the musical group called Yid Vicious or, in Portnoy's Complaint, the line: "Doctor, my doctor, what do you say - LET'S PUT THE ID BACK IN YID!" Then again, is a Jew who uses "YID" in this fashion a self-loathing Jew or just anti-YEED? Or maybe pro-Yid? Or just self-mocking? Could he be funny? Then again, he could be an anti-Semite in Shabbos clothing, or .......Oy, already a debate – with myself
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5. For you "eppes-curians," I'll describe, and you choose the Yiddishe dish from my definitions. Simple, nu? Except ... I'm adding a bissel humor, and leaving out the obvious so don't be oblivious when you read.
It could contain barley. It sticks to your ribs, and anything else in the area. In fact, the leftovers might make excellent material for huts and dams in 4th world nations. Not only does it create the aura of noxious gasses, it has the power to knock you out faster than Sominex with a lacer of Schnapps.
ANSWER:(a) This is some divine stew! It was "created" to solve the problem of preparing hot food without lighting a fire on Shabbat. The solution? Prepare in advance! And so cholent— this slow cooked stew of beef, vegetables, beans, and barley — became a Sabbath specialty! " Ma would peel six pounds of potatoes, then leave them in cold water overnight to prepare for the cholent ... served to the menfolk when they come home from synagogue.... Ma and the other women on our block would blend and season their cholent Friday .... and let it cook all night on a low fire ...." Said Jewish boxer, Barney Ross (1909-1967):
Kasha Varnishkes is a mixture of buckwheat groats with bow-tie noodles. The "varnish" is only in the saying, not the eating. So, at my house we kids called it "kasha with booties."
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6. Your choice for U.S. President loses the election by five electoral votes. You think that the new President-elect is a shmegegge who has about enough skill for the job as a traffic cone. After he wins, he makes an acceptance speech that not only repeats his meshugge campaign, but is longer than it takes to impeach. You yell which at the TV?
ANSWER: (a)Ech mir, a close synonym for eppes is a put-down about, well, anything. What you're saying is, "This guy's a President like my pupik's a President." (There's sarcasm involved, of course.) "Zeyer sheyn gezogt!" on the other hand, is a (rare) compliment – "Well said!" You couldn't agree more.
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7. Keyn 'eyn-hora! (OK, Kenahora!) We Jews not only have our superstitions, but, as always, highly creative defenses against demons, along with dream-helpers. Many have to do with ... what else? Talking, eating, or spitting to keep out the bad mojo (ptui, ptui, ptui!) or encourage the good. Your 38-year-old daughter got married last week. Now you may get to be a bubbe in your lifetime! To speed up the process you suggest which of the following.
ANSWER: (b) Nothing says lovin' like something in the oven. But will always keeping something in it, say, some pie, a little bread, even wood ... put a bun in yours? All you'll grow is maybe penicillin. Ah, but eat a double-yoked egg and you'll get a brood, according to superstition. Oh ... but steal an egg --no matter how many yokes-- and you'll wind up broke (for seven years).
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8. 97 ... 98 ... 99 ... ????? Who among us can forget all those cockamamie fears that the world, as we know it, would glitch itself into chaos at the prospect of y2k? Oy ... the shvitzing over hacker attackers, viruses, and yes ... the end of the world. Some glitches did occur, but all that quaking turned out to be the result of cockamamie catastrophizing. My question is ... could I have written this last paragraph without using Yinglish? Well ... partly. Which does NOT have ties to Yiddish?
ANSWER: (b) OK, yes. It sounds "Yiddishy," and looks "Yiddishy," but "Yiddish" – it's not. "Cockamamie" is a slang corruption of "decalcomania," a temporary tattoo using dye transfers that was a 19th century fad. Because they were cheap and wore off, "cockamamie" first meant "second-rate," and later, silly, laughable, phony, ridiculous, worthless, crazy, confused, absurd, or strange. A lot of connections it has ... but not with Yiddish.
"Glitch," on the other hand, while not 100% "positively, absolutely," probably came from the German "glitschen," (to slip), via the Yiddish"glitsh/glitshn" (slide or skid). "Glitch," pre-tech, a minor malfunction, mishap, or snag, has now, in our cockamamie world, taken on a bazillion computer and scientific definitions – all designed to "bug" us.
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9. Ever read those lists of "who's Jewish" and who's not? Even assuming they're NOT written by some "White Nationalist" (a.k.a. an evil anti-Semite), most of these lists are riddled with errors. ONE list below are celebrities who are OFTEN identified as Jewish – and aren't. The OTHER list contains are Jews, OFTEN identified as – not. Choose the list that is 100% kosher. (All are/were born Jewish.) And no Googling or Yahooing allowed.
ANSWER: (a) Yup! The man who made "Nightline" a news staple, Edward James (Ted) Koppel, is the son of German Jews who escaped the Nazis by emigrating to England where Koppel was born in 1940. As for irony, John Banner, who played Luftwaffe prison-camp guard Sergeant Schultz in Hogan's Heroes, was a Viennese Jew who was forced to emigrate to the U.S. as a political refugee after the 1938 Anschluss. Forever "Ashley" in Gone With the Wind, the celebrated British actor, Leslie Howard (Stainer), was the son of a young Jewish couple. Dan Hedaya, known for playing villainous, sleazy, wisecracking characters, such as Carla's husband on Cheers, and Monk's no-goodnik pop, was born in Brooklyn, in 1940, to a Sephardic Jewish family from Syria. Yes ... Andrew Dice Clay, nee Andrew Silverstein, is one of us, too, as was The Odd Couple's, Tony Randall (Leonard Rosenberg from Tulsa, Oklahoma).
All the celebs in list B have often been thought of as Jews perhaps because of their names, style, or, via marriage. The most "Jewishy" of the group is Penny Marshall (as well as bro Garry Marshall), whose accent is pure Bronx, along with the fact that she was married to tribesman Rob Reiner. The family's real last name? Marschiarelli.
Of course we can ask the question, why are some of us even interested? After all, how many gentiles pour over lists of Protestants? But ... when some of these anti-Semitic sites have decided that Jack the Ripper was a Jewish barber ... a little clarification wouldn't hurt. (At the time, certain "clues" led some to buy the theory, given the anti-Semitism of the day. But despite hundreds of investigations, "Ripper's" identity has never been determined.)
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10. FOR THE MAVEN: Bei Mir Bistu Shein or Bei Mir Bist du Schon. (Translation: "To Me You Are Beautiful") Are you humming yet? Written by Sholom Secunda with lyrics by Jacob Jacobs in 1932 for a Yiddish operetta, I Would If I Could, in the late thirties, Sammy Cahn wrote an English version of the lyrics (though retained the Yiddish title), the Andrews Sisters recorded it, and the song became a worldwide sensation. In fact, no Yiddish-language song ever charted as high again. Good news for the song-writers, right? Not right. Which of the following is true?
ANSWER: (a) Yes, it's true. The great Secunda sold it for $30 – and had to split it yet, with Jacobs! It was so popular it made the Andrews Sisters famous, earning them a Gold Record, the first ever for a female vocal group. The Soviets loved it so much they claimed ownership, and it was even a hit in Nazi Germany – until they "discovered" its Jewish origins and banned it! Gentiles ran to buy it, even if they couldn't pronounce it, and wound up asking for Buy Me a Beer, Mr. Shane or My Mere Bits of Shame.
All this ... and yet ... the composer sold it for bupkes.
Ah, but that's not the end of the story!
In 1961, the copyright on Bei Mir Bist Du Schon expired and ownership reverted to Secunda and Jacobs! Not to be "fooled twice," Secunda signed with Harms, Inc., the music publishing company, and got full composer's royalties which, according to current copyright law will remain in effect until 75 years after his death. So ... his relatives are no doubt singing Bei Mir Bist du Smart – till 2049!
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