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Letter from a Terrorist

May 9, 2009 | by Newton Hoffer

Call me what I am -- a terrorist. I didn't go through years of terrorist school to be called a "militant."

Dear Jewlarious,

Has the world gone mad or just me?

With the exception of ransom notes and ultimatums, this is my first letter to the media. I am writing because my anger has finally reached its limit and I feel like I'm going to explode! Please. Help. Help remove this weight off my chest. Print my letter

As a 'TERRORIST' in good standing I am morally outraged when Western media outlets refuse to label me a Terrorist. What did we ever do to you to deserve this slap in the face? I am of course speaking on behalf of (1) my many like-minded "Terrorist Brothers," the majority of which are living safely abroad while studying in Europe) and my (2) ‘Terrorist Sisters' - proof positive that even we recognize equality when ‘Boom comes to Shove'.

So as you see I'm not the only one affected - when you insult me by not calling me a "Terrorist", you also insult my friends, my family, the Terrorist work we do along with our commitment to Terrorism. I am not singling you out Jewlarious, because with very few exceptions, everyone does it. But just because everyone does it, does it make it right? If my neighbor was to blow himself off a bridge does that make it OK for me to do it? Do not think this doesn't hurt.

So in the future, please don't be shy to use the "T-Word". If you're going to report the news, then report it. But do so factually, honestly and give us the credit that is rightfully ours. Why don't you just portray us as "Victims"? Oh wait a minute... you're already on top of that. Thanks.

Why don't you just portray us as "Victims"? Oh wait a minute... you're already on top of that.

What's next? Will we soon be referred to as "ambitious bullies"?

So I'll ask you again: Has the world gone mad or just me? At this late hour I should be moving between my many hiding locations. Instead, I have to look for a stamp. I apologize for not sending a video. As everyone knows, I prefer releasing my messages out on video (F.Y.I. ‘Best-Of' Boxed Set now available on DVD). However, the router in my cave was broken; not to mention the mile-long waiting list for the video camera. I'm telling you, every kid with a gun these days thinks he's an ‘artist'. I can't even get close to it anymore. Things were different when I was growing up -when the expression "Burning the Midnight Oil" meant Bombing the Oil Refineries

I must mail this now to make your deadline (something I too am most familiar with). I hate using our mail service. Where do you think the expression "Going Postal" came from?

If you haven't figured it out by now, my name is not that important. In fact, you couldn't pronounce it anyway. But if you want, you can call me Mr. Spock, my friends do, on account of my pointy ears. You probably didn't think we watch Star Trek, right? Will these misconceptions never end? For the record, we tried to organize our own Star Trek convention but... no one would come out of hiding to buy the tickets.

Signed with Bravado,

Up at Night

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