7 min read
I come from a long line of nappers. After all, my people mastered the Day of Rest.
"What's your secret?" she asked examining my eyes and pores. "You had a little chop chop?"
"No," I replied.
"A little shot of something?"
"Nope," I answered.
"Then why," she sighed, "do you look so radiant and rested while I look haggard after a long day?"
"Well," I intoned knowingly, "I nap."
"NAP?!" Her snort suggested she preferred a beauty secret she could buy.
Yes. I nap. I call it my time release Day of Rest, taken in 20 minute installments. In days of yore, the Jewish people bestowed unto the world the idea of the Sabbath. I attain what I call "Napture" through my daily non denominational "Nappath." No candles or devotional mantra required. I just nap.
In days of yore, the Jewish people bestowed unto the world the idea of the Sabbath. Allow me today to introduce the Nappath.
I admit with shame that for one ambitiously fraught year, I was thinking of how I could make money teaching the lost gift of napping to the world, by franchising and leasing naps worldwide. The concept, of course, occurred to me while lingering in the netherworld of a nap. I would become the Talmudic Scholar of naps.
That day I dream dozed an entire business plan for non denominational ‘Nap Classes.' I awoke writing all the details in an uncharacteristically frantic post nap state. I would train the nap instructors, issue nap licenses for a fee, lease portable ‘napbacks,' build a chain of "Napture" stands in airports, malls, and office buildings and rent them for an even larger fee to travelers and cubicle workers with no napping lair. I would form co-napper clubs -- chaperoned naps for singles having napping in common. I would write a book, go on Oprah, tour the unnatural world. My fame and the nap legacy would grow. I could work from home or the finer hotels in the suites outfitted with my very own "Divine Divan Nap Laps."
I got so excited I couldn't nap for months! I became short tempered, short attention spanned. Spent, I arrived home at three one day, tumbled into my barcolounger (invented by some nap addict), raised the footrest to invite a 20 minute trip. And after that deeper nap whose content seemed dictated from a higher consciousness, I awakened knowing it would not be right to patent what is God given. Why, it would mar my calm, attained by the very gift I was about to exploit for profit!
My nap wisdoms shall be given freely. I will donate my legacy here with nary a thought of what I might get in return. I hope I am rewarded from the Heavens for my unselfish behavior – with a long life of restful naps. Let us begin:
The most successful, joyful "Naptures," in my experience, share these conditions:
The nickname ‘catnap' is apt. One wants to be able to spring into action at the drop of a chew toy. Forty is too many winks, 20 to 30 winks ideal.
No moisture must be allowed to seep and harden in the corners of the eyes or the lashes: for females, make up would smear and smudge; for both genders, eye rubbing could cause possible lash loss and redness. Tearing eyes send the body diving from the edge of R.E.M. dozing into deep six sleep. Also, re-fluff the back of the hairstyle, which may appear misshapen -- a dead giveaway if you are in an Agnostic, anti nap environment.
If the room is too chilled, you may cover the body with a light blanket, sheet, or coat, with one caveat: one leg up to the knee must be exposed at all times. This is to make the body aware that you will be stepping out into awakeness in 20 to 30 minutes!
Weave any background noise into the tapestry of the nap, or ‘napestry,' as I like to call it.
If you have trouble discerning the difference between nap and deep sleep, here's the criterion:
If irrational or illogical thoughts begin to generate involuntarily, WAKE YOURSELF UP! This discipline took me quite a while to master. Drifting from drowse into seductive sleep one day, I found dark thoughts that I didn't think, suddenly surfacing, involving the neighbor who was talking loudly on his portable phone right outside my window. I awoke with a jerk.
After 10:30 in the evening, it is quite permissible to cover up with a heavy comforter, recline to horizontal fetal, and dive. Let sleep have its way with you for a full eight hours.
One must long hone these skills before one experiences the exhilaration of the Creative Nap. Many inspirations, insights and solutions have occurred in this twilight of consciousness. Franz Listz reputedly wrote his haunting "Lieberstraume" ("Love's Dreams") while under the influence of the nap muses, and simply scribed it on awakening.
One final suggestion. Many neophytes worry they won't be able to locate the slot in between awake and asleep. This keeps them from trying. Counting sheep is maddening, counting breaths nerve-wracking and makes the nap shy about arriving. ("Am I napping? Now am I napping?") much like the announced sneeze ("I'm going to sneeze..ah...ah...I'm going to....Oh. Where did it go?") I find that reading a long, educational article at that crucial forty-five degree angle, twice if necessary, can make the eyes grow...heavy...and....nudge....you... into....a happy....natural...napture.
*Disclaimer: The author is not responsible for bodily injuries incurred during napping.