Jimmy Carter Accuses Israel of Being Democracy

May 9, 2009

3 min read


Ex-President demands Israeli government end its occupation of Israel.

JEWLARIOUS SATIRE -- At an appearance in a Jerusalem Barnes and Noble to promote his new book, Palestine: Peace Not Apartheid, former U.S. President Jimmy Carter made a brief statement, repeating his demands for Israeli withdrawals. "Israel must remove itself from all occupied lands!" the Former president exclaimed. "Starting with Lebanon!"

When a passerby casually responded, "Been gone since 2001," a confused Carter said, "Really? Had no idea. How is that going?"

"Not well. They've been firing rockets at us everyday; they kidnapped soldiers and started a war too. It seems that the country is pretty off balance because of it -- might be a civil war there soon."

"No kidding? Well, then... maybe the Israeli Government should get out of Gaza! The Israeli Government has no business in Gaza!"

An elementary school girl in line to have her book signed, looked up and said, "President Carter, everyone knows we left Gaza last year. And they have been shooting at us since."

Taken off guard, Carter responded, "Hmmm... I was writing this book and wasn't really watching the news or paying attention to well-recorded history. Well, I was in Jericho yesterday and I saw Israeli troops everywhere. What happened to the spirit of Camp David?"

A Barnes and Noble security guard chimed in. "Funny you should mention it. Barak was at Camp David with Arafat and basically offered him the entire West Bank. Arafat said ‘no' and started the Second Intifada. He kind of died in infamy because of it -- most heads of state wouldn't go to his funeral because they considered him to be a terrorist."

"I have seen the tyranny personally since 1948. First, Israel established a democracy. Then it built roads and invested in education..."

Carter mused, "Funny. I always thought him a nice chap. Such a cute beard. Give me a moment."

As the crowd grew restless, Carter continued. "Uhhh... I demand that the Israeli Government withdraw from Israel. I have seen the tyranny personally since 1948. First, Israel established a democracy. Then it built roads, invested in education, agriculture and technology, offering universal healthcare and in a short time a first world living standard. From Eilat to Metula, I have seen the long arm of the Israeli Government and I say, 'enough!'"

Irked by the lack of response from the crowd, Carter motioned to his wife and demanded, "Come on Rosalyn, clap!"

Carter continued and added, "I also demand that Israeli doctors withdraw from their occupation of international hospitals. Their presence is inflammatory to sick people around the world."

Carter’s personal assistant Lisa James immediately pulled Carter aside and said, "Mr. President, don't you remember that Dr. Eitan Barak at Cedars Sinai is the one who successfully treated your colon cancer?"

To which the former President responded, "Um...you guys aren't really taking what I say seriously, are you?"


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